Again, When do you STOP HATING YOUR EX?

Question

I am posting this again because some of you raised issues that I need to address.

He got involved with a woman I know in the neighborhoood and moved two blocks from me. We have two very young kids together. He takes the same train that I take and he passes my house when going to her house. My kids talk about her daughter.

They are both very active in the community. I have to see both of their photos in the newspapers. Friends ( no longer) and in-laws have accepted them as a couple even though he is still married AND SO IS SHE.

Just move on?

He left 10 months ago but I still hate him to the core of my being. I am in therapy. My therapist says that it is normal when you have invested 14 years in a relationship and that I will eventually move on. I would like some sign that there is hope of doing that. Thanks.

Answer 1

Sweetie, there is hope. First I would say move farther away to another neighbourhood. You are torturing yourself by being so close and having to see him all the time. I can tell you I got over my anger much faster when I moved and left our church and didn't have to see him every Sunday.

It's normal to be mad but look at it as you have a new start on life. Start enjoying your own life and focus less on his. Join a group, take lessons or a course in something you always wanted to do. Remember the best revenge is a happy life.

As for the kids talking about him and the OW well not much you can do about that but grin and bear it. It does get easier. Get used to the fact that your in laws are his family not yours. Lean on your own. Don't expect them to hate him for leaving you. Blood is blood and family forgives. The longer you continue to be bitter and angry the less likely your friends will want to be around you. Find your own happiness, life is too short to waste your energy on him.

Answer 2

I know the feeling, but when you have that much hate it is hurting you not him. He has no feelings for anyone , but himself. Don't let him still control you . Remember when you are so angry , he is not feeling a thing. The best revenge is being happy and going on with your life. Doing things and going places. Join clubs , go to the activties he is at make them feel uncomfortable. (that is the hardest thing I have ever done, but it gets easier and people will see that it was him and not you. They will also, never trust him. They don't say it but they feel it. If he could screw around with a friend . He will do other underhanded things. ) You may never hear it or see it but that thought is running around in the peoples mines.
I know the hurt your are feeling, my ex is going with my youngest sister. My kids take her into thier lifes like nothing is wrong. They think I can attend ever holiday with her. I have tried and it is hard so . I now go and if she is their I leave and I say to the children , I see you do not respect my wishes, so that is find, kiss the whores a** . I have more respect for myself than to kiss her a** like you do. Well, after two holidays doing that , I now have my holidays free of her.
I was married 37 years. It has been hard. It destroyed my family and my marriage. Hold your head up high. My lawyer told me it takes 3 months for each year you were married.
It has been 4 years and today was better than yesterday. I take a day at a time. I still have some hate in my heart for my sister , even more than my ex. They both will get what is coming to them one day. I just want to be happy so I can enjoy it even more when it does. If you need a friend just write . I been there done that . You some times feel all alone, but we are not there are alot of us out there. We will survive and be better than ever.

Answer 3

Ask yourself if you want to be happy?

If yes, then let it go. It's out of your hands, you have no control over what happened. Tell yourself that you are better than this, pick your self up and decide that today is the day that you move on.

He's moved on, so should you. He's winning double here. He's happy, and he's making you miserable.

Show him that you are better than him, that you will be alright, that him leaving was the best thing that could have happened - and meet new people, see the world, become the person that you know you can be.

Stand up tall, not only for your kids, but for yourself!

LET THE ANGER GO! Live your life, you only get one shot - why spend it being angry all the time?

Answer 4

ok people here aren't telling you when. They are telling how but not when. I've been divorced around 2 years and have 2 small kids. I miss them so much. But here's the thing. I still hate her. Most of the reason is b/c of wht she has done to them and to me. She was seeing my b/f and he was married to. It was my choice to leave her and it was a choice i will have to deal with. Trust me it's not a bed of roses on the other side either. They are probably barely hanging on themselves with each other. Don't worry that will break off. It normally does. It took her and him almost 1 1/2 yrs for it to come to an end-if it truely has, but anyways i no longer care. Yeah i still have feelings for her and i'd wish things could have been different but they really couldn't be. She's such a b--- now. Everytime we get on the phone with each other she continues to be one. Everytime i'm out she calls not that i answer. I had to finally just ecnore her and what she was saying. It's been 2 yrs and i still hate her. It will be longer for me and you b/c of the pain we suffered through but 10yrs down the road you will be like why did i hate him? This will be b/c you will move on in time. You still have a few years worth of hate in you. The best thing i can say it think of you and of your daughter/son only. Then stick him with child support. He'll come back crying b/c he'll be broke and his g/f won't want him anymore. Remember that nothing last forever- that's for the movies- true and i know it hurts.

Answer 5

I know it is a tough pill to swallow. 14 years is a lifetime and you have children as well. You may not be able to stop hating him because he is basically too close to catch a break from it all. Two blocks may as well be living in the same house. No breathing room. You know what I mean?
If you have already filed for your divorce, then he is free to date other people. But, you know what? So are you!
What you may want to do is sell your home, after the divorce, of course so it is yours and move across town or to a new city. Start fresh and put miles between them and yourself. Don't be afraid of change because the best things in life come from taking a chance.
Love dealt you a crappy hand. But, it doesn't have to continue that way. So, hold your chin up and get ready for that new chapter in your life. Good luck to you!

Answer 6

It will get better. It just takes time. Once you accept what has happened, no matter how unfair, and accept it can't be changed, you will be able to move on with your life.
I try to remember that nothing is wasted. As painful and as horrible as this is, you learned something. I look at these events and I try to learn so that I never allow myself to be put in the same situation again.
May I suggest you consider moving. Seeing him everyday like that and him being so close has got to be hard. Even if it is moving across town, it may give you some peace and be well worth it.
Good luck!

Answer 7

When you realize that he didn't leave you because of something you did! He is a slime ball, but you still need to forgive him - for your sake! The anger will eat you alive! Do you want him to have that much power over your life? Be thankful that he is gone and move on! Your children need you to work through the anger so you are capable of helping them through this!

The way I see it is you really only have two choices. Continue to be angry with him. Allow that anger to consume you and everything that is good in your life. Live your life blaming him for everything that goes wrong and never regain the ability to love again. OR.....take a deep breath and forgive him. Be thankful for the beautiful children he gave you. Learn that life sometimes gives us crap we wish we didn't have to deal with, but learn to deal with it with grace and dignity. Being happy will be the best revenge you could ever get. It isn't easy and there is no easy answer. It has to come from within and you have to just keep reminding yourself that it is what it is! You have NO control!!

I wish you the best of luck! Keep your head up - don't feel ashamed of your situation! Love yourself - you deserve better than what he had to offer!

Answer 8

I answered your first post and just read your second one.

It looks like the reason it's taking you so long to heal is because you haven't ended your relationship with him...!

You cannot move on BECAUSE you see him everyday, you see his picture with her; your kids talk about their daughter..and you feel betrayed by friends and in-laws!

WOW ! This totally changes the scenario!
I think you should consider moving. Seriously. You need to put distance between you and him and his life if you even want to have a shot at rebuilding yours...! If you have savings or family elsewhere, consider packing up and leaving.

If you continue to live like this, you will never be able to move on. So do yourself a favor: END IT, move, take your kids away and start somewhere else. No matter how much therapy you go to, it won't help you if you see them every day.
IT's like someone putting lemon and salt on your wound every day- It will never heal and it will always hurt.

Sorry to hear about this. God bless you and your kids.

Answer 9

It'll get better when you no longer allow the whole situation to have power over you

That is, you'll feel better when you decide to feel better.

Or hasn't your therapist told you this - are you too full of vitriol for her to get a word in yet?

It's obvious he's not coming back, so you have a choice

You can go on hating him or you can choose to not let it get to you anymore.

Remmeber, how you feel on the inside will eventually come out for the rest of the world to see. Hatred especially will make you old before your time. You will be dried up and moldy and all kinds of ugly things - all because of hatred.

And it won't hurt him a bit.

So how come you haven't filed?

Answer 10

You are obviously obsessing on this hatred thing. Who is it hurting? I'm sure the fact that you hate your ex and his girlfriend isn't bothering them one bit. But your hatred IS festing inside of you, making YOUR life miserable and probably the lives of your children miserable. Hatred is a wasted emotion. Those it is pointed against don't care that the person hates them and the one who is hating allows it to fester and boil unti it turns them into a person no one wants to be around. Eventually your hatred of your ex is going to take a toll on your relationship with your children, if it hasn't already begun. The only reason HE is still married is because YOU haven't filed for divorce. You've had ten months to do so what is stopping you?