Struggling with my decision - help?

Question

I am going to file for divorce - I think! I have been maried for 15 years (together for 20). I have tried absolutely everything I know to try to work it out. We have gone to counceling several times throughout the relationship. It seems to work temporarily, but things always go back to the way they were. Our communication is terrible, if not non-existent. We have no intamacy at all! We haven't had sex since February and before that it was over a year. He is addicted to television. He never goes to bed with me because he has to stay up to watch TV. On the rare occasion that he does go to bed at the same time, he turnes on the TV and ignores me completely. I know I could probably beg him for sex and get it more often, but that is so degrading. I want him to at least pretend like I am important to him. I want to be happy! Religiously, I am struggling with the idea of divorce! Any advice would help! Thanks!

Thank you all for your answer! I want you to know that I have tried!! I have given it twenty years! I cook, every night - I wish the solution was that simple! I have been VERY clear about my feelings of rejection! I know he understands what I need, because he will do it while we are in counceling and he has to be accountable to someone other than me. As soon as we stop counceling, he stops putting forth the effort! My decision is about way more than the TV! I could fix that easily! I have 4 children with this man and I have given him twenty years of my life - I DON'T take my vows lightly!!!!!! This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do!!! If I felt like there was any other option, other than living like this forever or leaving, I would be open to it! Any suggestions??

Answer 1

Religiously? Goodness me, even Godly people have a right to happiness. If your marriage has been reduced to nothing more than flat mates, then whats the point? You have tried counselling...it works for a while, but his obvious lack of consideration always returns. Youve tried hard to keep this marriage alive and even with all your efforts everything remains the same. Your husband doesnt want the marriage to work. He is putting in no effort whatsoever, and until he does, then it wont improve. You can lead a horse to water, but you cant make it drink. Your husband knows what this is doing to you and still he does nothing. You need to feel loved, whats wrong with that? I dont think you will be condemned to hell for your decision to divorce. Youve given it your best shot, and now its time to realise your husband doesnt want this marriage to work. You cant do it on your own. Maybe the only way he is going to take you seriously is if you do leave him. I wouldnt be filing for divorce just yet. I would be moving out from him, or else get him to move. He needs to know you are serious, but whilever you are living with him accepting his unacceptable behaviour then he has no reason to change. When you are away from him for a while your head will be clearer and you will know definitely if you want a divorce or not. Never, ever make a decision while you are under stress........Leave, and get your head clear first. Couples separate all the time....sometimes they get back together, sometimes they dont. God is the God of Love, so why would He condemn you for wanting to be happy....He loves you.....He needs you to be happy and fullfilled.

Answer 2

You know, people will often get counseling for situations like this but the bottom line is each person has to be a willing participant. You can lay out the suggestions from A to Z but ittakes a willing mind. Sometimes people's reactions are like vapor or smoke. You can bring water to a boil and turn off the stove and it will start smoking and eventually die down. That's the way some think. It's hard to hold on to suggestions and ideas unless you're willing to make the transition. Our minds have to be transformed. It takes two walking and talking the same way. Sure we have disagreements and that's okay as long as we don't take each other for granted. If the communication is that terrible and you've tried every thing you know to do, then perhaps you may want to consider a separation. You got to make yourself happy. Who wants to be in a marriage where there's no comunication or intimacy. Life is short. Just wish that peacock and his TV well and get started living your life. You will be happy! The best is yet to come. Take care of yourself.

Peace and Love

Answer 3

I think he's not a people person you should try to tell him how you feel about it and how he doesnt make you feel wanted and not special enuf to get pass the tv... or another way is to get the satelit disconected from the back of the tv dont call the company he will get it connected again.. maybe push him to do something together over the week end if it's possible.. or if you have childreen try to make him understand that kids need they father to play with them...
and you should never beg for sex like you said it is low... and the sex must relly not be good because he he's not into it...

Or maybe it is better for you to leave to start your new life somewhere else trust me you WILL be more happy you are to young to stay home and do nothing of your life if that husby doesnt care for you that also means that something could bother him.
I know you said that you where thinking about the religion.. I don't think God want's you to be miserable with your life do what your hearth tells you what to do I know it will be hard

I hope this help
Keep me posted I wish you the luck
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Answer 4

Seems to me like you have given your relationship more than a fair go and it takes two to either break it or make it. Over the 20 years you have known this man - you have both likely changed a lot and I sense it is sad for you to feel less important than the idiot box .. hey, I do not blame you !! We all want someone in our lives to care for and to look after us in every way and this man is obviously not on the same wavelength. Life is short - maybe you should find the courage to make the break and build your life around stronger and better things. I wish you every happiness.

Answer 5

It's ok, I think you've made the right decision! Who wants to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? If you have to compete for his attention or "beg" for anything, you don't need to be with the person and better off on your own. I applaud you for your efforts to do what you need to do! I've been in that situation before and not being married and I ended up dumping ones who acted that way. He's not going to change and you've witnessed that. Get your ducks in a row and start looking for a different place to live and to file a divorce.

Answer 6

It sounds like you've tried everything in your power. He's not holding up his part of the marriage vows. Try talking to him once more and tell him how upset you are and to what point things have gotten to. Tell him it's his last chance.

I know how you feel about religious beliefs and divorce, I struggled with it myself. Can you talk to somone at your church? I found they are a lot more understanding than you think.

One last note: Don't "threaten" him with divorce. Make sure that if you tell him it's change or that's it, that you follow through. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 7

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Answer 8

Getting a divorce because he wont give you attention doesnt sound like a logical answer. Talk to him and see how it goes. You have been together too long to throw it away for him watching too much tv. I know its hard that he ignores you but tell him how much it bothers you.

Answer 9

It doesn't really sound like you have much of a choice here. I think you're making the right decision. I'm sure it doesn't feel right because you two have been together for so long but you deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and can't keep his hands off of you!

Answer 10

Sometimes men can become not interested in sex with someone if they don't feel like they are truly satisfying that person. So make sure your boosting his ego, when ya'll do have sex and its just not all about him doing the work.