What should I do when I got disrespected in my Marriage?

Question

I have been married for one year and it has been the most devastating year of my life. When I first met my husband it was like I was in a dream but as soon as I got married he turned into a monster. He started to abuse me emotionally and physically. He would belittle me with words and and do things that a married man shouldnt do. He would call other girls when he wasnt around me or when he would pull off and say the reason he doesnt want to talk to them around me is because it would be " uncomfortable". I have no words to describe the disrespect I had to go through. He blames his actions on me, all of them. People say I should leave and wait it out for while and to see he if he changes. What should I do?

Answer 1

Advice For Cheaters and Their Partners

If you have repeatedly cheated, or are the partner of a cheater and can't seem to forgive or break off the unhealthy relationship, Dr. Phil has advice.

Cheaters:

Look at the statistics.
The chance of a successful relationship born of infidelity is not even one in 100. A marriage that starts in infidelity has no foundation. You go into it with guilt, shame, angst, worry, and all the baggage that comes with that. Add to that managing your ex and going through possible custody battles for children. Is it worth it?

Think of the children.
If you have children and you are cheating on your spouse, your children will suffer. You are turning their lives upside down, fracturing their family unit and destroying their peace and harmony.

Think ahead to what the courts might think of you as a parent. You may think your partner wouldn't fight you on custody, but people change when they get into a divorce court. Your spouse might just decide that the person who stole his/her partner will not steal the children as well. If you enter the divorce arena in the midst of infidelity, you have put your children in play. Again, ask yourself, is it worth it?

If the person you are having an affair with is married with children, ask yourself, "What right do I have to fracture his/her family unit in which innocent children are growing every day, just to feed my need?"

Be honest with yourself.
Is the unfaithfulness over with? Moving forward, do you absolutely and unequivocally have nothing to hide? You'll never get past this until you start being drop-dead honest. Remember, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If you don't think you can stop on your own, get professional help.

Be honest with your partner.
By not being honest with yourself and your partner, you're doing nothing but perpetuating the deception. If you know that you will continue to be unfaithful, and if you really care about your partner, you will let him/her go and get yourself some help.

Accept responsibility.
Have the decency to tell your spouse in all honesty and candor that you own your choices. You're the one who ran this relationship off in the ditch. This had nothing to do with your partner. If you want to fix your marriage, you have to accept responsibility and do whatever it takes to earn your partner's trust back one step at a time.

Assess your commitment level.
Are you committed enough to your partner in order to do the work necessary in order to repair the relationship? However long it takes to get this relationship back on the road, is however long you need to work at it.

Behave your way to success.
Keep in mind, you can no longer be in contact with the person you were having an affair with. Avoid the places you know he/she frequents, change your phone numbers, and if you're unsure of your strength in staying away from him/her, then move. If you're so out of control that you're like a moth to a flame, then get away from the candle!

Turn toward your partner.
When your life or relationship becomes rocky and affects your sexual relationship, that is the time you should turn toward your partner, not away from him/her because of your sexual needs.

Re-engineer your life.
If you are a sex addict, and you really want to change this, it's not a quick fix. It's an entire reengineering of your life, values, beliefs, thoughts, conduct and emotions. It's about deconstructing your life, and reconstructing your future. Unless you get professional help, you're going to continue to victimize everybody who you touch because you're controlled by your impulses rather than your values.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If You Are Being Cheated On:

Get real.
The best predictor of future behavior is relevant past behavior. What do you predict? If your partner has cheated on you repeatedly and now swears he/she will stop, what are the chances that this is true? You can't change what you don't acknowledge. Isn't there a point at which you say, "I deserve better. My children deserve better. He/She may not have any boundaries, but I do. And my boundaries say, 'You either treat me with integrity, dignity and respect or you don't treat me at all'?" Stand up for yourself and for your children. You've given your power away and you've got to get it back.

This is not your fault.
Stop beating yourself up about this. You have got to know that this has nothing to do with you. You are not the one who made the decision to break your commitment to your partner and cheat. You have nothing to do with your partner making the immature, inappropriate, self-destructive choice to turn away from you to someone else.

What is your payoff?
Do you want to get past this? Or is there a payoff you receive from the situation? Do you enjoy playing the victim or subjecting your partner to a life sentence? Do you fear that if you forgive a partner who truly is remorseful and has changed his/her behavior that you are "letting them get away with it?"

Assess your commitment level.
You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you can't. And if you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting this relationship together again.

Consider the consequences.
If you have children, your decision will affect them as well. You do have responsibility here for what you do next. You have to make a decision about whether or not justice is best served by allowing your partner to re-earn your trust, or if it's better not to subject your family any longer to the current situation.

Decide if you can choose to forgive.
Forgiveness is a choice. It doesn't mean what your partner did is OK. How much you trust your partner is in part about what your partner does, and in part a function of whether you have confidence to handle it if he/she disappoints you. If you find out that he/she strays again, can you handle that?

If you can't forgive, let go.
When you choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. If you continue to throw this in your partner's face, you will eventually run him/her off. Ask yourself if this is going to be a life sentence for your partner. Can you heal from this and forgive? If not, don't continue to live in anger and/or be with someone who causes you pain.

Answer 2

Hello. I'm truly sorry for your pain. I've been there.
Marriage can be a wonderful thing, but, only if it's to the right person. You obviously are not happy-(who could be when they are being abused?) It's hard to see things as they really are when you are in it, but if you could step out it, you'd probabally get a better look at how sad and unhappy you really are. This probabally is consuming you. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!
Are you willing to put up with him abusing you? Do you honestly think he'll change? Honestly? Are you willing to sacrifice yourself, your body, and your chance of true happiness, just hoping and praying that he might change? Only you can really answer these questions.
I was told, when I was in a marriage just like yours, that if I wanted to leave him, which I didn't at the time-But, I knew that it was the right and only thing I could do, if I ever wanted to be happy.
My mother said, "try as hard as you can, do whatever you need to do, so that when you leave him, there will be no question in your mind, that you have done everything you possibly can, given as much as you can give, so that whe you look back and think back on it down the road, YOU KNOW, THAT YOU'VE TRIED AND GIVEN ALL THAT YOU HAD, AND IT NEVER WORKED.(You won't have What If's or I Should've's.)
It's was hard, very hard, but it gets better, and I thank God everyday, that I found the strenghth in myself to leave and to finally be really happy. I deserve it, and so do you.
I hope you have outside help (family and or friends), because it helps the healing to have people around you that really love you and care about you.
Good Luck!

Answer 3

Hmmm .. no woman deserves this ill-treatment. Men such as this have a good way of turning things around to encourage the woman to feel at fault here (I am not saying here that most men do this and some women do behave just as badly). If your one year of marriage has been so devastating and you do not have children from this union - then I personally would consider the quickest divorce possible and get on with life (sorry - but people don't tend to change so soon and so easily). Sounds like you have a lot of living to do - could be the best thing you have done is to put this experience behind you. All the best of luck.

Answer 4

He blames everything on you? I don't know who is telling you to wait it out and see if he changes - but that is the worst advice I ever heard. GET OUT NOW while you still have your sanity and no bruises or broken bones. You know something is wrong - trust your own feelings - don't listen to other people- they are not the one being abused. This will only get worse. There is something wrong with him. This is not just a matter of being disrespected - he is a controlling , abusive and dangerous bully. You deserve a better life than to be under his thumb and beaten down like this. Do not accept it.

Answer 5

People like Kim Kardashian are also disrespecting the sanctity of marriage. People specifically say that gay marriage is disrespecting the sanctity of marriage because marriage is about the family unite and bring new life into the world. There are different forms of love out there.

Answer 6

If he is putting his hands on you, then you should definitely leave. He is going to have to want to change, and why put yourself at risk until he does? I don't know if you have children, but if you do, you don't want them to think that the kind of marriage you have is a normal and healthy one. I know sometimes "just leaving" is easier said than done, but who's to say that one day he hits you a little harder than he has before and kills you? It's time to get away from him now while the marriage is still young.

Answer 7

physical violence should not be tolerated. If every minute of this marriage has been a bad experience for you, why do you think he will change, and why would you want to stay in that situation. Run, now get off the computer pack what you can carry and run for a safe haven. Restraining order against this violent man should also be looked into.

Answer 8

Get out!!!

Now he's got that ring on your finger he doesn't give a s**t, and you shouldn't put up with that. You shouldn' let him beat you down mentally and definitely not physically.

You didn't say if you'd had any kids but please leave before you have some or the ones you have get hurt. Ive been there and there's nothing worse than seeing your mother belittled and beaten.

He is showing complete lack of respect or love for you. You should leave, if you can't bring yourself to do it then ive him ONE chance, stand up to him threaten to leave if he still carries on leave. Go to friends or family or a refuge.

But please don't let it continue coz' the physical violence will enevitably escalate unless he stops.

Answer 9

Waiting it out is being passive. This is your husband not some boy in high school. he took vowels to love , honor, and at least respect you. You are his wife...speak up! you are equal partner's in that relationship and it doesn't sound like he's living up to his end of the deal. It seems as though you are in his life to take care of him, not share his life. tell him how his behavior has affected you and suggest counseling. if he doesn't at least try then he is not the man for you. Life is too short to waste on people who disrespect you.

Answer 10

You should definately leave him because you don't deserve to be abused in any way at all. You are much better than he is and you can find someone better who will treat you like a queen. Don't let him be the thing that stops you from being happy. You deserve so much better.

Answer 11

You can't make him change. He will if he wants to, but that is the only way. If you can't love him as he is, you really need to move on, or find a way to accept the things about him you don't like.