Troublesome wife?

Question

Hey everyone,
I need some serious answers with my problem.
Naturally I am very cool headed. However, I have been with my wife for two years, we dated for 5 making a total of seven. She is very very troublesome. At times, she riles me up so much I want to hit her. In fact, in some cases she does hit me first and when I try to leave she doesn't allow me to leave, and still keeps hurting me. Naturally, I have to retaliate and hit her back, more out of self defense and not to hurt her. I have never caused her injury. She provokes me so much, even when I want to leave, she does not allow me to,.
Now my questions are these
1. How do I deal with this?
2. She says I'm abusive and I also feel so, am I?
3. I really love and can't leave her, what do u think i do. I've tried everything ,but she's just troublesome.
Please advise me and I'd really appreciate it Also, there should be no holds barred. State the fact as it should be very candid answers.
Thanks a lot and hoping to hear from you

Answer 1

I think I can answer this one best! My ex and I fought like that alot and I was the main reason...and I can admit that now. For some reason, I was addicted to arguing and fighting and crossing the line. I had no control over my emotions and welcomed them with open arms. My ex got physical with me after I would get physical with him and I made him out to be the abuser...the fact is neither one of us was mature enough to handle a successful mature relationship. These tendencies to argue in this manner did not end for me until over 2 years ago after I got married to someone else. I tried arguing with him this way and one night got into a huge fight. I spit in his face even and to my surprise he left me. He didn't want to but had to and I am so glad he did now. It woke my butt up to the reality that this was not healthy and if I wanted our marriage to work I had to make some drastic changes. I always thought in my head that my significant other pushed me to my breaking point and it was always their fault. Once he left me the only one left to look at was ME! It was sooooo hard, but I swallowed my pride and began taking steps to change my way of dealing with my emotions. Now, he is back and was actually only gone 3 days, but it was enough to show me that I would lose him if I didn't change. If he wouldn't have left...I'd still be the same person I was. Dr. Phil always says that we teach people how to treat us and by you continuing to stay you are teaching her that it is okay for her to behave this way. My suggestion is to first talk with her and let her know that you will no longer tolerate this behavior in your relationship. If she continues to act this way you will be forced to leave. Suggest that you both attend counseling together...neither one of you may want to, but at this point it is necessary because it isn't working with you guys making the decisions. Invite a licensed professional to work with you and if money is an issue there are free counseling services you just have to search them out, but they are available. Basically, it all boils down to what you are willing to do about it. Good luck...it's not easy, but change is possible!

Answer 2

2 things strike me: "naturally, I have to retaliate..." and later in your letter, "3. I really love and can't leave her...". The only person you can change is yourself, regardless of how troublesome your wife is. Provocation, retaliation, and violence are bad news, since it sounds like that line into physical contact/assault has been crossed. You CAN turn around and walk out the door. You need counselling; you both need help. We all tend to feel isolated during horrible times, but there are people around who can understand and support. Speak with your doctor or pastor if you need some suggestions... But you CAN leave, and it sounds like you need to. Walk away from the confrontations. What do you mean exactly that "she does not allow you" to leave? It is time to take a detour from the path you are on.

Answer 3

Talk to her about this when the both of you are calm. Tell her you think that you both need to work on your communication because the way you've been handling things just isnt working. Tell her that you would appreciate if you both really put forth a concerted effort not to hit each other.

If she continues to push your buttons, you have to stay in control of yourself. You cant control her but you can control yourself. Never let anyone get you to that point again after you commit to chillin out!

Now, she may have anger issues. She may even need to get counseling or something if she cant control herself. I guess the same would apply to you.

Both of you need to grow up! Grown Responsible people know that if you dont have communication, there really is nothing to hold on to. You have to know when to move on if nothing changes. Good luck to you! Keep your hands to yourself! Her too!

Answer 4

Counseling sounds like a great idea- both as a couple and individually.

1) She needs to find a new way to express herself that doesn't rile you up.

2) You need to find a way to tell her that you're upset, that you want to leave that she will accept.

3) She needs to allow you to leave when you do get upset.

4) NO MORE HITTING- either of you!... Don't make me come down and sit between you! (Sorry- channeling Mom again... ;)

Answer 5

What do you mean "won't allow" you to leave? Walk out the door. If she leaves any marks when she hurts you, document it with a camera and have someone witness this. There should be no "naturally" about hitting her back. If you say you "love her and can't leave her" then you are hopeless so you've made your own bed. Get a backbone. Grow up. Wise up. Lawyer up.

Answer 6

1- Tell her how she makes u feel use the when u do these things i feel--------! This is called the I feel method.
2- Not if she provokes you I think that both of you need to seek councleing this might help you with your marital problems.
3- You need to find one another once again. Take time for you and her only and be open with each other!


I have been through 4 marrages and 4 divorces and if i knew then what i know now then things would be differant!!!

Answer 7

Your both abusive and both accepting of it. You stated in your question "I really love and can't leave her" This is a typical statement made by each and every abused/abusive person.

You really don't want help, you just want someone to listen to your side of the story.

P.S. How can you hit someone and not cause injury?

Answer 8

File for a separation and state you need a temp. restraining order bc she is abusive. Then consider counseling. If she cannot control herself - that has nothing to do with how you control yourself. Stay away if you cannot trust her moods. I hope you don't have children in this situation - it's not good for children. There is no reason to live your life with this sick drama. It's up to you to decide what you want in your life - with or without her abusiveness.

Answer 9

I don't approve of a man hitting a woman but that doesnt mean she can going hitting you. Thats not very healthy, consuling sounds like what you guys need to do. It might get to a point of no return and you don't want that.

Answer 10

maybe you are cool headed but maybe you are seen as cold and indifferent!maybe your wife makes you mad so she can get some kind of reaction from you!maybe she is bored and wants you to act more manly and show some intrest not by hitting her though thats a bit too caveman like.either get some counseling or therapy or get a divorce this is not a healthy relationship for either one of you! good luck.