how can i discourage manipulative behavior from my ex wife ?

Question

my ex wife plays "the victim" (by the way,SHE's the one who filed for the divorce) to manipulate people into giving her money. meanwhile making me look like an uncaring father.

Answer 1

She feels she can do it and will until she sees it doesn't affect you. I agree with other answers, document your interactions, make sure to take care of your obligations to your children, pay the support plus take the kids when you're supposed to have them. Children are quick studies and figure this out pretty quickly. Not to say that some of her actions won't cause them pain - it's very hard to avoid pain in any divorce, especially for the kids. Be true to them, ignore her and if it comes to it, use someone else to be your connection. Pick the kids up at your mother in law's, pay your support through the child support office, keep copies of medical bills and clothing you pay for in addition to the support payments. Above all, love your kids, try to keep them removed from discussions about their mother. No mater what a rotten wife and mother she is, children take a lot of abuse from a mother, especially at a young age and still love them and feel a need to protect them. I had 2 children age 12 and 10 when their father left for life with "my friend". It's been tough on me, and them, but 25 years later they know who spent time with them, who made sure their needs were met... You sound like a decent guy who wants to take care of the kids. Do that and let her figure out how to manipulate someone else. If you ignore her, she'll find someone else to bother. Only one other question remains, do you still love her enough to let this continue, do you want that life back??? You are the one who has to determine the next step on this road.

Answer 2

Society being the way it is, people already think you were the one who caused the divorce in the first place. You can not control what people think. Find out from a legal standpoint how much you will give her when you give her money and go from there. If you want to give extra money because you are a father and you DO care, then do that also. Since you know she is a manipulator, do not allow any "power plays".You have rights too. Find out what they are. Your legal rights are stronger than her manipulation.

Answer 3

Are you sure you aren't projecting your insecurities onto her? What she does or the sort of dealings she has with others is no longer a concern for you. Just pay your child support, visit the kids, and get them extra stuff when you can afford to. The only person who can make you look like an uncaring father is you.

Answer 4

My husband's ex plays victim all the time, it's their life theme I swear. People will eventually get tired of it. Those people drain everyone else of their energy. I promise that it will work out somehow. My step kids who recently all became adults are realizing how screwed up she is. They don't love her less but they have come to us complaining about how hard it is dealing with the constant drama. The ones who are close will shy away from standing up to her but they know. Stand up with the truth, being open and honest with your kids and never put their mother down. Tell them that she says many things out of anger and that you feel sorry for her but what she does is not healthy. Be the example of a healthy adult, kids need that.

Answer 5

Only u would know if this is an issue that u r causing and if u r rectify it if not try to sit down and talk to her with concern for the children. The most important thing to remember is it is about the children not the adults and both of u should be on this level of thinking. Divorce or not the responsibility of the children belongs to both of u.

Answer 6

She is no longer part of your partnership- there is not much you can do to stop her- but you can protect yourself.

Document all of your interactions with her and the kids.
If you go to pick them up, and they are not at home- document this. when she says "We WERE home- you never came" you can supply proof.

Your children still love you. Yes, she is a manipulator, and she will probably try and brainwash the kids.

If you explain to your children "I want you to love Mommy, so I am not to say bad things about her."..

When she is spouting bad things about you to them, they will start to get the picture. Kids are pretty smart.

If this gets really ugly, and the kids are in the mix... even if she gets them to turn their back on you- remember it's HER- not them.
patience, and archiving proof to show them when they are old enough to understand may win you through.

My father in law had the same problem, his wife got the kids and a court order for him not to see them. He paid child support while she blew it on collectables and had the kids living out of the car.

He is very sourful about how he could not see them. When his son was older, he came to undestand how his mother really was, and once out of her influence, went back to him.

I hope it does not come to that for you... but dont' give up hope

Answer 7

YOU DON'T ... ONCE IT STARTS ITS ONLY GOING TO GET WORST .. IS SHE SCREWING SOMEONE ELSE... THAT MIGHT BE THE REASON SHE BEING SO BITCHY AND JUST WANT YOU TO LEAVE SO SHE CAN BRING ANOTHER DUMBAZZ ************ UP IN YOUR CRIB WHILE YOU AT WORK OR DRINKING A FEW COLD ONES DOWN AT CUDDERS... INSTALL SOME CAMERAS AND NETWORK THEM INTO THE COMPUTER SO YOU CAN VIEW FROM WORK WHATS GOING ON AT YOUR HOUSE AND WHEN YOU SEE FOUL PLAY... YOU EASYOVER THERE AND YOU PEEP THUR THE DOOR.....AND YOU SHOT THE **** OUTTA THEM RIGHT IN THE CRACK OF THERE AZZ AND DAIL 911 .. WITH A GOOD LAWYER YOU'LL GET OFF SAME DAY.. YOU SURE WILL FEEL BETTER..PEACE

Answer 8

First look at yourself, are you in any way acting as the manipulator . . . in any way?? granted this gives her no right to manipulate the situation however, if you start to admit to your faults it may help her see hers.

Answer 9

If they are stupid enough to give her money so be it (less money she will be begging from you) Sooner or latter they will wise up and know her for what she is. My advice is to keep in contact with your kids, never miss a visit, buy them extra stuff (never give her money to buy things for them, buy the item yourself) Who cares what other think, you and your kids know what kind of a dad you are.

Answer 10

Just do your job as a good father and people will see right through her! Ignore her and you won't get caught up in her drama!!!!!!