my wife has become more distant the past 3 months or so. Should i be concerned, How do I win her back?

Question

My wife started a new bartending job about 5 months ago. The place draws in a younger crowd and she is there until close on the weekends (2:00 a.m. , not home until 3:30 or 4:00). In the past couple of months she has been wanting to spend more time with her co-workers, etc. who are ~20-25 years old. My wife is 39 years old. She even has a myspace and talks to them on there. Recently she has put a regular customer (male, ~25 years old) as a friend on her myspace. I also found some pictures of him ( from his myspace) she had in her bag that she takes to work. I asked her about them and she said she had them to show a friend from her previous work. She thought they new someone in common. I thought this was strange as she had ~7 pictures of this guy. She denies having an affair and I am trying believe her, but a lot of trust has been lost. She seems to like the younger atmosphere to much and not the family life at home,3 kids. she says she doesn't like to be around me lately too

Answer 1

sounds like someone wants their party life back

Answer 2

Yes, you should be concerned. Her carrying 7 pictures of a guy in her purse b/c someone "might" know them- is a lie. She probably has a crush on him. She's getting caught up in the moment of hanging around younger people, which she may have never had the opportunity to enjoy. When my parents split up, that's exactly what my mother did when she left. She liked the party scene again, young friends, the attention.

I think you should have a one on one and talk to her. She can't live her life like this and keep the family in line at the same time. She has to choose- the family or the lifestyle.

I guess you could try winning her back by looking into activities that she's starting to get into and getting involved too, so she can see that she can have fun with you and the kids, and not just her new "friends". Try to look for new things to do as a couple, take a class together, picnics, anything that you used to do when you were dating or newly weds. Things that well help her appreciate what she has.

Answer 3

Distant is an understatement ! She is not even on the same planet right now. All that has happened is that her head has been turned by all the excitement. ( which is understandable and should have been foreseen by the fact that she wanted to bartend at 39 and married with 3 kids). Her head has been turned and SHE TURNED IT!. In my opinion she wont leave it behind unless given proper motivation. Sit down and tell her that you know its boring to be 39 with 3 kids and you want to have fun WITH HER ! Tell her you want for her to have a family and FUN ! Then the two of you can move on together from there. Dont worry too much about the 25 year old guy. If it wasnt him, it would be someone else but you need to really stay in her business and dont let her get any more caught up in the nightlife than she already has. Have fun WITH her. good luck.

Answer 4

That is what usually happens when one person from the marriage gets involved in the bar industry. Its never a good idea. She seems to be getting caught up in the party life and the flirting that goes along with it. She maybe not having an affair but the job is definetly becoming a problem. You should sit her down and talk to her about it. it may be time for her to get into a new profession if there is a chance at saving the marriage. If she refuses, i would say your problems are just starting. I hope it works out for you, doesnt seem like there is much you can do other than try to convince her to quit her job and focus on the marriage and kids. Good Luck!

Answer 5

This is definitely a problem, I've been in a very similar position. Although she's at work until 2am, she's absolutely no excuse being out so much later. Ironically, if I'm ever out 2+ hours after I'm supposed to be home, it's a major problem. Such double-standards. Maybe your wife is into the party lifestyle, the drinking, maybe some pot or other illegal stuff, doesn't really give a damn if you like it or not. She needs to grow up.

Wish I had an easy answer, but the bottom line is that even though she may love you, either wifey has to get a dose of reality surgically inserted up the rectum or you need to seriously consider your future relationship with her.

Answer 6

she is having a mid-life crisis. she wants to feel hip, young and single again. But, she is not single and 25 anymore! She is married and has kids....she knows it and you know it...no matter how much she tries to forget. You have every right to feel betrayed. You should talk w/ her and tell her exactly how you feel. If you don't say something or do something now, things are only going to stay as they are or get worse. You and the kids can't compete with her job or her new friends -- it is too much fun. Tell her she needs to find another job. What kind of job is a bartender anyway for a 39 your old woman?? She needs to be home with her kids, not out partying. If she keeps this up, hire a private investigator or enlist a trustworthy friend, to go to the bar and spy on her and see if she is really cheating on you with this kid. Of course, she will not do anything if you are there and she knows you are there. Have him take pictures if he sees something, they could be useful later if you decide to get a divorce. She is your wife & you have a right to know!

Answer 7

Yes you should be concerned. How can you win her back well make a nice dinner or go out to a nice place to eat. Do all the things guys do when they want to win the girls heart the first time around. There needs to be a way that see can quick her job she haas three kids that really isn't the best place for a mother to work since your kids are looking up to the both of you. Which brings on a good subject kids sense tings that you will not even think about so if you don't want them to know ou are having problems then keep in on the down low ntil things are back to normal.

Answer 8

She probably just likes feeling young again. Unfortunately, there is a reason why we have a youth, to be young. If she missed out, it's too late to live like the 20-somethings she works with. Of course the mid-20s are fun (little responsibility, no one to answer to, etc.), but there is a reason why that period of our lives only lasts a little while. Your wife needs to act like a mom with 3 kids at home. She should also get a job that doesn't keep her away from you guys at night. Why did she suddenly start bartending? Watch out for the young guy. Has she been calling him? Seeing him outside of work? At least she's not staying later than necessary at work. If the place closes at 2, I can see where she wouldn't get home for a while. Bars take a while to clean up I imagine.

Answer 9

Yes, you should be concerned. Sounds to me like your wife has had a taste of the single life. And, as a bartender..she is probably getting more attention from new guys that she can handle. If you aren't doing anything wrong in the marriage there is no reason why YOU should have to win HER back.. That is for her to do. Since, she seems to be the one out there acting like she isn't married and a mother of three. There is nothing wrong with having friends. BUT, there is no reason in the world why she should be carrying around pictures of another man to show anyone. Why don't you get a babysitter one night and stop in to her bar? Just lay low in the shadows and watch and see how your wife is conducting herself. If you suspect she is cheating on you.. ask her about it. If after she denies it (which more than likely she will- if she's smart) take matters in to your own hands. And, FIND OUT for yourself. Don't just sit there and let it eat at you. You are her husband and have more than enough right to know what your wife and the mother of your children is doing. Best of luck to you.

Answer 10

Wow!! I know someone else in this same situation. The first thing is this, be 100% honeest no matter how harsh it may seem. It's a marriage and you both should issue and demand respect of one anothers feelings. It may even be time to make a unexpected visit to the club. Remember this, you can tell what's going on just from looking. People only do what they are use to. Stay back in a corner and just observe. NEVER EVER NEVER lose your cool no matter what you see.

If your not in to that, what is done in the dark will come to the light and that is a bridge that's hard to cross. Wish you well.

Answer 11

it sounds like she has fallen out of love with you. She's 39 and now hanging with younger kids at the bar. She feels like she is getting old and this keeps her young. Sit her down and tell her that you n her have to really talk about your relationship. tell her how you feel and if she's not happy, then let her go. If you have treated her and the kids decently, then you deserve to find someone to share your life with that will be by your side and share your life together. Good luck to you. Also if you thinks she's cheating, hire a private detective or call cheaters. they can help you