Can a marriage survive if each spouse has different values and priorities?

Question

I've posted sevaral questions recently about my troubled marriage. My husband wants me to return to work after being an at-home mom the last two years. Being an at-home mom was so important to the both of us. I gave up a very lucrative career to do so until my daughter was old enough for school. Since that decision, my husband's values have seemed to change. He's more focused on money and material things than I, no longer goes church and lives to work . I'd rather live a more simple life and focus on our family and raise the baby. He's more focused on our big fancy house (that I never wanted), having an expensive SUV etc. etc. I feel like now I am sacrificing what's important to me (raising my child) by going back to work. He swears there is no financial problem...he wants my income to better prepare for the future. How does someone's family values suddenly change? Can my marriage work with totally opposite priorities? He's not willing to compromise. We are in counseling.

Answer 1

In my opinion, I don't think a marriage can survive with different values and priorities. It's good that your in counseling, I wish you the best.

Answer 2

It sounds like he may have either panicked(sp?) when he got into the real world of "keep up with the jones'" on a single salary. Everyone goes through changes but in a marriage you have to compromise for the good of the family. His idea of "good" has changed. You say he is not willing to compromise. Will he not sit down and make a family budget? If the current finances are fine, and he feels the future is insecure, then would he speak with a financial planner to help put away for the future? If he wont compromise on this, it may mean that he is a control freak or something and if that is the case, then counseling is a wonderful place to be. In my opinion, marriage CAN work with different priorities IF both parties compormise and respect each other. My hubby and I have some differences and its hard sometimes but both people have to come together in the middle ( sometimes not even the middle ) good luck

Answer 3

You should have started the question with the two ending statements "he's not willing to compromise" and "we are in counseling". If you are in counseling then let the counseling work. But if he's unwilling to compromise then you have to do what's best for you. He can't force you to go back to work. However, you AGREED that you'd stay home until the child is old enough for school. If he/she is, then you should hold up to your end of the bargain. If not, the HE should hold up to his end and not begrudge you for staying home. This seems so simple to me. It's a matter of working the plan you set for yourselves. If he wants to break the plan and the agreement, then you are not required to be held to it either. He can't have it both ways. You might also want to point out that childcare can cost more than a Cadillac payment. Seriously. For "good" childcare you can pay upwards of $600 per month. So would you really be saving all that much? Plus the costs associated with that, the traveling, the lunches, the gas...it adds up. I think you'd do better to stay home, raise your child - think before you have another one - and tell your husband to get over himself. Good luck.

Answer 4

The world is dynamic and so is our life. Yes, a person can change. No point to argue otherwise.

For you, there are several practical points. First, the longer you wait, the harder it is to go back to work. A couple of weeks ago, CBS EVening News talked about professional women leaving the workplace to be mothers. It is a trend. But some women also found it possible to work part time at home to keep their sanity. Yes!! Staying home all day long can drive somebody nuts as well. You can consider that.

Nobody can truly analyze why your husband is more into materialistic concerns, only you. If you measure him with your yardsticks, then you are already biased and unfair to him. Same if he measures you with his yardstick only.

Men are typically wired to be warriors and make their job their battlefield. That's why many men can't stay away from their work once they taste blood. This is for your info.

Answer 5

Counseling is already a big step . Changing his mind will take some time . See if you can compromise on reducing the size of the house and getting lesses expensive cars and then you maybe could go half of the day to work . If both sides come to an agreement everybody is happy!

Answer 6

Yes, I am a survivor of this, but total trust will never be regained. We are an older couple so I am betting that time is on my side, and that as he ages women will be less and less attracted to him. He was not that good looking to start with. His affairs were mostly on line anyway, which is ridiculous. Just sad that I had to go thru this like so many millions of other women. There is nothing to be proud of when something like this happens, because it never should have happened in the first place. We are getting closer -- not as a result of what happened -- but because we talk out things a lot, and so thereby reveal things to each other that are constantly surprising. One would think that after 23 years of living with a person that there would not be no more surprises, but there are. Wonders never cease.

Answer 7

You are very rare. Not many women would complain about this type of situation. Not saying your wrong though. My only thing about this is what exactly do you feel you will miss out on by going back to work. Reason being, I have 4 children. At one time I chose to be a stay at home dad when they were babies. My fear was them missing out on proper nourishment and caring. I had to return to work and guess what, as long as you are envolved in that childs life and show that child interest in what he or she does all else fades to the ditch for them. I do understand your point though, just understand that there are options out there to make it work. Good Luck!!!!

Answer 8

Certain differences of opinion and values can be overlooked and compromised, but when you're talking about core values and priorities that differ, added to a man who has no desire to compromise, then you have a real problem.

Have you actually gone back to work? I suggest you don't. It's more your decision than his. Tell him your future will look better, if he's so worried about it, if you start saving instead of spending now.

Answer 9

I think that the only hope is in just being you. If you end up giving up your priorities, you will resent him for those missed times with your daughter. I would not give up any part of myself (compromises can be made but should never have to give your priorities up like time with your kids). I would get counselling, but I think you can make it work as long as you both let go of your expectations... just take the other person for who they are (him too) and stop wanting them to change. If you can co exisit with each of you just being you and living your own life, then I think you can make it. Easier said then done, I know.

Answer 10

I think you have to have the same basic values and priorities.....but sometimes those change and you both have to be willing to work at finding common ground again.

Stay with the counseling even if you have to change counselors until you find the one that works for both of you