I cant get over things that my husband has done that have hurt me. Serious advice please.?

Question

Throughout our relationship my husband has done things that have really hurt me and made me feel unimportant. A recurring theme is devoting more time, attention or affection to other things/people. He is in the Army and we got married a year ago, right after we got married, we moved to Germany and have been here ever since. I am terribly lonely and bored; the majority of my time is spent at home waiting for him. I feel like I have made so many sacrifices for him and he doesnt appreciate it. Once we had an argument over playing rugby. He wanted to be on a team that practices 2 nights a week with games on Sat. I was hurt that he would be willing to give up so much time with me. I understand wanting to play but doesnt he realize all I do is sit alone and wait for him and he would be doubling that? Just an example. Sometimes I feel like I am being selfish and other times I feel like I deserve all his love and attention for the sacrifices I have made to be with him. Advice/opinions please

Also should tell everyone that we have only one car that he takes to work everyday. We live far from base and are in Germany so I couldnt walk to work. Also, even if I had a car or even if I could walk to work, there are no jobs available on base and I dont speak German. So Im pretty much stuck in the house

Answer 1

It sound like you have some maturing to do. Of course if you are waiting for him at home all the time every moment he is away will be amplified in your mind.

Start learning German is you don't already know it and begin doing local activities. You need to get busy because you are becoming a drag on your husband life and soon he will start to resent you for it. You will become more interesting to your husband if you have new things to talk about. Make some friends and find a way to enjoy your knew life.

Answer 2

Okay, take this advice as I mean it, as a gentle nudge in the right direction.

I am a very needy person. I expect my husband to give me a TON of attention. I become weepy when he doesn't devote time to me. I didn't realize it at first, but I was truly smothering him.

You should not be waiting at home for your husband, but two nights a week for practice and one saturday game is NOT too much time away from you. If he was on a bowling league, played poker with the buddies, out drinking on friday nights, AND playing rugby I would see a problem. But as it stands now, you are expecting him to devote every single moment he has off of work to you.

He has made sacrifices too. You only see that you're away from your family, but he is also working very hard and he too is away from family/friends. He may have new friends where you are stationed, but you have the opportunity to make new friends as well. DON'T sit at home. Walk around the neighborhood, knock on a neighbor's door and bring them some homemade muffins, etc.

You NEED to find something to enrich yourself. Join a wives club (the army has a lot of those), take an evening class, get a hobby. If you don't, you will smother your husband. I promise you will regret pushing him like this.

Answer 3

I understand your feelings. You want to spend as much time with this man as possible. I get that, I've been there, I totally relate. However, I have learned over time that you cannot make someone spend all of their time away from work with you. You will sufficate him. Your feeling that he owes you since you made this sacrifice is your problem not his (and I'm not being mean, really). If you throw it up in his face that you sacrificed and wait for him to come home, and how could he spend all this time away from you... you will push him away. Stand on your own two feet, find something to do while he's gone. Don't just sit around all lonely waiting for him. There should be other military wives that are in the same boat. Check into it.

Keep in mind that men think differently than women. He may need his "men time", playing sports or whatever. You do deserve his attention, but you aren't going to get it all the time. Just a fact.

I hope this helps, best wishes to you.

Answer 4

You sound very lonely. Your husband has made friends and just wants some guy time thats ok. What you need to do is really put some effort into finding a girlfriend. It makes all the difference in the world. You will depend on him a whole lot less. Because you will be busy with friends and that keeps you busy in your mind. Then you will look back and think what was I doing. I know I have been there. I moved to a new state and blamed my husband for my loneliness. Now I have a circle of friends that keep me so busy he is asking me for some alone time. I am so much more happy. Look for friends, do what you have to to find some.

Answer 5

Being married to a military man is hard. There job is always their first priority--I know this because my Dad spent 22 years in the Army. But the one thing my Mom never did was sit at home and be miserable waiting for him. She had plenty of friends, and had her own activities, and took advantage of the fact that we were living in a foreign country and did some traveling. If you spend the rest of your life with him thinking, "See, look what I've done for you?" YOUR life is going to pass you by. Don't be a martyr--we all know what happens to them. Find some balance--get your own thing going on. Germany is a beautiful country--take advantage of it while you are there. By doing this, you may find that your husband will show a little more interest in you.
I don't mean any disrespect when I say this, and please forgive me if it sounds cruel, but don't make him the center of your universe. You may be starting to sound like a broken record to him, and come off as being overly needy because you don't have anything else going on. Does this make sense? When this happens in any relationship, it tends to push people away because they would rather not deal with someone like that. I hope that I have helped you?

Answer 6

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband? Was he in the Army before you married him? Not that its an excuse but the soldiers tend to be away from home for extended periods of time...whether they are sent to Europe, or Korea or the Middle East. Usually a soldiers family accompanies them to duty assignments in Germany, so I don't quite understand why you didn't go with him. I'm not trying to be insensitive but if you are part of a military family you have to adapt to being alone quite a bit. Have you thought about getting a hobby? Or making friends in the area with whom you spend time with regularly? It's depressing that you sit at home alone and wait for him incessantly. I recommend being around for him when he is home; when he isn't...well, live your own life. There are so many options.... You can have a rewarding and successful career. You can take classes and learn new things. You can participate in a sport. Any of the above are great ways to meet people and make new friends that you share common interests with. Being in the Army is often times stressful and rugby is a great way for your husband to relieve his frustrations. It's unfortunate that it does indeed take valuable time from both of you as a couple. Maybe you two could set up a "date" night once a week, just the two of you having some romantic 'alone' time. I hope my answer has been helpful and I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 7

I understand that you feel lonely. But for crying out loud, would he be opposed to you making friends? Are there other military wives that you could socialize with?
If he practiced and played rugby 3 times a week, why would you not go along and enjoy it also? You could make new friends that way. Maybe you and your hubby could meet other couples and go out together after practice, or after the Saturday games. Give your husband a break. He is trying to socialize with others. You should do the same, or don't try to stop him.
Get off your behind. You are responsible for your own happiness.

Answer 8

The damage is already done. If you don't feel there is any trust or love left in the marriage, why stay? Living a lie can only hurt ever tone involved. My advice would be to get away from the situation as quickly as you can,the sooner you move on the sooner you can build a better home fro you and your children. Obviously there are legal issues involved,so finding a good attorney is a good first step. Good Luck!

Answer 9

hi hon... i'm sorry you are feeling lonely and neglected.

your husband probably has NO CLUE that you're suffering so much, and has never been left alone to fend for himself, and perhaps has never had to wait for anyone at all during his lifetime.

you can try to talk with him, let him know how you feel "i feel lonely, i feel neglected and abandoned" perhaps you could ask him if he could set aside at least one night a week and one day during the weekend (or his day off) to do things together?

PLEASE DO NOT blame yourself or feel guilty over someone else's actions. You DO deserve your husband's love and affection and attention.

let him know how you're feeling. if he doesn't see the light or realize how you're feeling, then i figure it's all about HIM.. and that's not how a marriage is supposed to work.

take care of YOU. i hope that, in the meantime you can find things to occupy your time... i haven't lived in germany so i am totally in the dark when it comes to what type of activities might be available to you... i hope you can find yourself a nice hobby or join a gym, -- some things which might interest YOU so you can get out and enjoy yourself, too...

take care.

Answer 10

I don't think your being selfish at all, in fact I think your quite right to be upset about this. Try telling him about how you feel, I know you probably have already but there's no harm in trying again. Sit down with him when you do have the time and discuss each other's side of the story. Maybe he has reasons to be like this and maybe he doesn't see why its hurting you. Also, instead of sitting around for him all the time, why don't you try and go out with some friends or something? That way, you can have the fun that you deserve as well!!! Hope this has helped