Am I wrong for feeling like this? Fiance's daughter causing relationship problems?

Question

My finace & I have been 2gether 5 years now and are having problems over his 10 yr old daughter. I have always been nice to her & tried to treat her as i do my own child who is 8. Then over Xmas when he had her for visitation she brought a journal with her & she wrote nothing but lies in it. This is not the 1st time she has made up stuff. She accused my son of hitting her & yelling at her & he wasnt even there. Anyway to make a long story short, her father had a talk with her, she never got in any kind of trouble or anything which is an ongoing arguement because she can do whatever she wants with no consequences and my son who lives with us 24/7 has rules he has to follow. My fiance is now on a different shift at work & has asked me to pick her up on the friday nights when he has his visitation. I do not feel comfortable being left alone with her since this last incident of her lies eventhough he says he knows none of what she has said is true. Am i wrong for feeling this way.

I have told him how i feel about the situation and he has told me that im the grownup and she is a child so i need to not act the way i do. I do not feel comfortable being alone with her just because there is no telling what she may go home and tell her mom next. He states that he doesnt believe her and that her mom knows she lies too. But all it will take is her mom to beleive her sh*t one time and thats it. Why does neither of them see that she needs to be punished and let to do what she wants. Someone else commented saying that she needs her butt popped, but since we are not married and she is not my child I will not lay a hand on her. Her mom is psycho anyway.

They have been divorced for 8 years. they were married maybe 6 months and didnt get married till the kid was almost a yr old. Her mom is remarried and has a kid with new husband. Her little sister is 7. She has called her moms husband daddy since she could talk and only occaisonally calls her real dad daddy, otherwise she refers to him by his first name. To those of u who say that she is doing this because she isnt used to things and people living with her daddy. He lives in my house. He didnt have anything when i met him and all he really has now is his truck and his clothes. Anything i else i have provided. I have thought about counseling but he only has her every other weekend and her mom wouldnt agree to it.

to the person who asked why i was reading her journal. I didnt. my fiance seen it lying on the floor in my sons room and picked up and a paper fell it that was a note to her mom saying that she wanted to come home because we were mean to her and how my son was screaming at her, etc. It was then that her father read everything she had wrote in there. It wasn't an actual "journal" it was more like a documentation of what she did for the week at our house. She had times listed and everything. If we went to wal-mart it was wrote down what time we left, what i bought, how long we stayed there, if i stopped any where else, etc.

Answer 1

I soooo know what you are going through..I'm having similar issues with my fiance's son, he's 11. He lies, throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way, either gets slightly disciplined by his parents or none at all, and he's spoiled. I posted a question on here earlier asking for advice cuz my fiance's son is trying to break us up cuz he's not getting his way and he's treating my children as well as myself like we're crap!!! My fiance has spoken to him repeatedly and it goes nowhere!! I love this little boy like my own and I'm giving him his space, but it's not right when a child tries to take over and tell the adult how it is. I feel for you and your situation. You have valid feelings towards this situation and you shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in your own home cuz she's there and doesn't like how it is!! Just love her and treat her the way you have and pay no attention to her lies!!!

I think we future step-parents need a yahoo support group!!!

Answer 2

first, she is his daughter, period. he should never let on to her that he isn't, or even hint that the fact she wasn't made from his sperm makes her any less precious to him. He is strapped to that hateful so-and-so of her mother for the next few years, but he can take steps to avoid her and her mean impact on his life. She has finally done the most spiteful thing she possibly can and the best revenge he can get against her is to prove that knowing the truth about the pregnancy doesn't change his love for his child one BIT. And ignore her by not letting her pull his strings. go on with the wedding plans, keep a cheerful heart and a patient, understanding attitude toward him. There is no great hurry to tell him you're pregnant. Right now is such an emotional time, Wait until the wedding is over, smooth this rocky patch for him by giving him a quiet, soft refuge at home. After you're married, pick the right time to tell him the two of you are going to be parents. And I would add, include his daughter in as much as you can both for HIM and to show her mother that the child is very central to your family. She may use her like a pawn to manipulate people, but your and her dad's love for her is genuine and will never be used for ill.

Answer 3

WHen it's the spouses child you have no other choice but to let the biological parent decide the course of punishment. You DO NOT have to be happy with it, but you cannot let it come between you either - this really is the reason the child is doing this in the first place.

If your fiancee has sstated that he knows she's lying - accpet that and let him know that you appreciate him knowing this. Dont worry about what the ex believes or doesn't - she really is not a factor & your fiancee will deal with her accordingly.

What you must do right now is request that because of the time you'll spend with her without his prescence, you want a meeting wherein he is present that you can lay out what your expectations of her during this period of time are. You demand that she be respectful of the fact that you are the adult and she must obey the rules - just like everyone else must & that if she does something wrong this what the consequences are & that he support you in this. If he does not support that you are the "IN CHARGE" so to speak while she's under your supervision, then respectfully decline and explain to him why.

Expect that this will not be easy, explain to your fiancee that you love him and your future is completely dependant upon the levels of respect, trust and honesty each of provide to the other. You can get through this!

Answer 4

first off your feelings can never be wrong! but keep in mind she's only 10! i was 12 when my mom passed away, and although i don't know your situation(i assume her parents are divorced), my father moved on 6 months after she died. i was devastated! it's not that i didn't want to see him happy, i just thought it was too soon. i'm 26 now and have 1 child and 1 on the way, you know, my own life. they're still together and keepng eachother happy. i caused many more problems than that little girl could probably dream up. talk to your fiance about how you feel, about how if your son has consequences than she should have the same. if possible involve her mother in the conversation, don't rely on your fiance to talk to her, he may not fully understand how you feel. if all of you sit down and try to work out what's exceptable and what's not, so you're all on the same page, it'll make your life alot easier. in a way you are all her parents now and if there's any problems you guys have to be mature enough to handle like the adults you are. arguing will get you nowhere, you all really need to talk it out, without hating or being judgemental. i hope this helps, keep your head up. someday she will mature, look back and think omigod what did i do to my poor parents? she'll know that you all did the very best you could.

Answer 5

No, you're not wrong to feel the way you do as feelings are neither good or bad - they just are! I have to say that I don't blame you though - you could very well be her next target. Divorce is a very difficult issue with children - especially children of her age. They are aware of what is going on - but really don't know how to deal with their own emotions. Yes, you and your fiancee may have been together for over two years - but she is still struggling with issues. I think because she has targeted your son (who lives with you and your fiancee 24/7) that she feels she will never hold a place in your family equal to his - and that possibly she feels that your son has replaced her in her Dad's eyes. This is all very difficult for a child and for others who are trying to put a new life together successfully. Why don't you try getting her into child counseling. Many times schools offer a program for children of dysfunctional families (or blended or whatever) . It helps for the child to be able to talk out things that they would normally be uncomfortable talking about with family members. Give it a try - it can't hurt.

Answer 6

Many little girls can't handle their Daddy's girlfriends. It's either Mommy or them.

But it sounds like this little **** is taking this further than normal. I say fight back. Here's my suggestion.

1. Pick her you one Friday night.
2. Break a bottle at home (leave the glass out).
3. Cut your self with the bottle.
4. Call the cops on her.

You would do best if you handed her the bottle at sometime earlier in the evening in a fashion where she'd have to grab it and leave prints, just in case the police check. (Use gloves or a towel after that.)

She'll try to deny it and said you did this. But it's "she said, She said," and your the adult. She also has a history of lieing. That, and she has a motive, because of my first statement.

A few nights in jail or youth detention will change her attitude. Plus, she'll never cross you again. If she does, vary and repeat the above process.

As a side note. The last night you and your boyfriend are together (relations) before you execute this plan, give him a really good B.J. He'll be blinded by his satisfaction to ever imagine that you would pull this off.

Answer 7

shes 10 yrs old! shes clearly jealous of you and ur relationship with her dad. she doesn't want u two together so the best thing to do is form a bond with this child and try to mend the fences. u cant expect her to love u overnight, it take gradual change. the fact that your son respects the rules is simple bc hes there 24/7 whereas she is not. shes being tossed around house to house and this is physiologically affecting her trust in adults. why not pick her up, take her out for dinner, go get a manicure together, have some girl time . start a nice bond, leave the lies in the past, give her a2nd chance, understand where the child is coming from and be a caring compassionate adult.

Answer 8

I had the same problem with my step daughter and my husband wouldn't understand he never disciplined her and she used to run all over the place until I got fed up I let him know that's I'm gonna stress out over an 6yr old I let her have it I set her straight just letting her know that I'll be hear forever and she had to respect me or she'll suffer consequences and ever since she's been fine. You have to get through to her because her mother wouldn't even care and the dad is too blind to see what's she's doing just sit down and talk to her see how she feels about you and you tell her how you feel and how you are upset let her know that you are there for her and you don't mean any harm and she'll come around Good luck!

Answer 9

Remember Hurting people Hurt people! She's hurting and maybe rebelling against her Father trying to replace her Mother. There is a reason behind her behavior. Seek to understand why. Do you have a relationship with his ex? There maybe some incite/help there? Remember this is a child who's is smart, but is not fully matured. Keep letting her knownyou care about her, but let her know your not a push over. Be subtle in letting her know , that you know about the lies. Careful here she's going to be defensive. You have a long road but
KEEP KILLING HER WITH KINDNESS...
Don't give in on the parenting stuff she'll thank you later..
Communication with your future husband is critical because you two need to be on the same page and he needs to have your back. Ask his advice and show him respect by enlisting his help. Ultimately your relationship with him is most important. Once his daughter realizes you are not a threat, she'll start warming. This may take some time especially if he has joint custody; but, be patient be kind and watch her grow...
BE THE EXAMPLE SHE NEEDS!
Good Luck God Bless

Answer 10

Unfortunately, many a good relationship has been destroyed over kids. If I were in your shoes, I would tell him that I can't handle this, and can't see myself being his wife with all the drama going on. It's his place to discipline her, and maybe you didn't go about it quite right, but he has a lot of nerve telling YOU to grow up! Apparently the kid doesn't like the fact that her parents aren't together, and this is how she shows it.
I guess that your only other alternative would be to take the kid aside and tell her that you love her dad and he is not going back to her mom, so she may as well get used to it. Maybe you could take her to do something that she likes to do and try to endear her to you.
When my son was young, he acted up when he went to see his dad cause all of his friends had both parents, and his dad was married to someone else. We went around about it, and the stepmom finally tried to get along with him, and things were fine after that. But I had let my son know in no uncertain terms that if he wanted to see his dad, he had to learn to behave.
Your fiance should do the same!