How would you deal with a chronic Liar?

Question

Here is my story.


I have a business partner that most people find very charming, and rather simple. But that is deceiving to say the least and he is far from simple. Over the last year and say four months I would overlook what I viewed as exaggerations and tall tale telling on his behalf. Recently I had to confront him for what I saw as inappropriate sexual behavior towards me ( I am a lesbian and he is straight ), which he denied and I had to list about 4 incidents to get him to admit it. Also I caught him in two lies regarding our business that have led to some major discussions between us. Remember he is adept at placing the blame everywhere and direct questions are met with evasion. Even with direct proof he will evade and dismiss. Also a week ago it was brought to my attention by a computer geek that someone is accessing my computer without my knowledge and going through personal files. There was something irregular that came up on my computer that alarmed me. I am still investigating this one, but I will give you one guess on who I suspect. Normally I would just end my association with such an individual and jettison their *** to the curb, BUT suddenly, because a friend of mine connected me with two major players in our industry in the past two weeks, we are on the verge of being very, and I mean very successful with a product my business partner created and I marketed. And there are two other products that he created and I marketed that I learned this week are going to sell as well. Because of the financial/time investment I cannot simply walk away. I always knew the products would be a success but I never bargained for this…any thoughts, ideas or suggestions?

Mark, I knew you would answer this well my Aussie friend and it makes the most sense to me for a number of reasons. First and foremost it is true that everyone lies. I have lied to spare another person something painful, which is perhaps my rationalization or because I did not want an argument to ensue, but if I am asked a question directly I have always answered it…it is the lies of omission I am speaking about. Yet IMO there are “core issues” at stake with lies and business and it IS my reputation, and naturally because of my realization about my business partner ( who cares if I was slow in putting it together..lol ) it has made me ask a lot more questions, and conduct a lot more investigation, and most of all to be very clear in my communication. True, the bottom line is there are no friends in business and to think otherwise is an illusion. Perhaps this is one reason this all came to pass. My Disneyworld mentality needed to go.

Answer 1

I think you need to ask yourself is if the business relationship worth the aggravation of dealing with this individual.

If you decide it is, then steel yourself for more of the same and make sure -everything- is in writing.

As for inappropriate searching of your computer, either don't leave it where he can get it, or keep your personal info off of it (offload it to dvds or external harddisks) which you can store in a safe location.

It will also help to establish an exit strategy. Work out how you will get out of this situation with the maximum financial benefit. Then if he crosses the line implement your plan.

Seems to me the biggest problem is not knowing what is going to happen next. The more you can control events, the better you are going to feel.

Answer 2

We all lie, we all tread delicately around issues sometimes sugar coating the truth so as to protect someone from hurt, or just keep the peace. Sometimes no good can come out of telling the truth.

The issue is that it is the "teller" that decides what "truth" is told, the "teller" then dis-empowers the "receiver" by not giving them the choice of hearing the truth.

The lie isn't really the issue it's the motivation for not telling the truth that is the issue. As the receiver we are left to our own intuition to determine the motivation and sometimes we cant trust out own intuition and it's this that causes us the grief -

We might find ourselves thinking "If only they didn’t lie to me in the first place I wouldn't be here feeling like this"

So how do we determine what the motivation is - if we ask them why did they lie how can we be certain they will give a truthful response as they have lied to us once. We can’t we can only rely on our gut. So here lies the dilemma who can we completely trust what is real what is the truth - the truth is only what we decide to be true at any one point we decide based on the information we have at hand.

Recognising this and taking steps to ask more questions enable you to get a truer picture of any situation.

To answer your question - Recognising that he is a chronic liar is the first step, at least you know to question and get more information rather than just rely on his rhetoric. But you should do that in all business dealings as there are no friends in business.

Answer 3

Tell him you underestand why he's being defensive - no one likes to be caught in inappropriate behavior.

Also tell him you can each save a lot of energy if:
1. He comes clean and takes responsibility for things.
2. You don't have to keep a list of aggregious behavior for future discussions.

If he knows you want to fix things moving forward between you / him / the company, and not just randomly persecute him, he MAY change.

Answer 4

Honesty, honesty, honesty....just let him know ALWAYS that you know the truth and don't for a second believe his lies. You don't have to fight or argue about it, just lay it out there every time and leave it as that, soon enough he will realize there is no reason to make up the lies because you won't believe them. As for the computer, try changing your password about once a week, maybe that will keep him at bay.

Answer 5

You've just got to ask yourself what is more important - money or your self respect? Money comes and goes, but when ally yourself to someone you know is dishonest and a liar, his reputation will eventually become yours. Think about it.

Answer 6

Become a chronic doubter.

Answer 7

lie to him

Answer 8

no