He says his money is his, mine is mine, I got to ask to spend Is he right?

Question

I have been with my fiancee for 5 years, between us we have 4 young kids. 2 of them I had from another relationship and 2 are by him. Anyhow, he makes lots more money then me. I could make more, but since I am the one who has to worry about babysitters I have to work around his schedual, so I just work part time as a cna. He wants full controll of his money, wants to see receipts for all things bought and wants me to okay all purchases with him. We just got in a big fight because I bought my kids some clothes on clearance without asking, he made me take them back! He acts like we live so bad that he has to oversee every cent spent, but financially, we live okay. Our utilities are always on, we have phone, satelite, internet, pets. He acts like we barely scape by. i admit there have been times I over spent, but it was not a crisis type situation. I just dont think i am liking being treated like I am one of the kids. Is what he's doing wrong, or am I the one who's wrong?

Answer 1

This is something you two really need to come to agreement on ....
I personally would not put up with a man telling me how much, when, where and on what I could spend money on ...
To me it's a way of controlling another person...and I will not be controlled.

Answer 2

I personally feel that because he is the bread winner in the family he should have say so about how the money is spent. HOWEVER there is the extreme end of that, and this is what seems to be happening. And the reality is that once you are married (if you marry this control freak unless there is counseling I would think twice), all things become ONE. I do not think that there is anything wrong with your spending as long as it is not excessive. Afterall you are caring for YOUR children. Do you receive child support for the two children that are not his? Does that money go to the household? You are contributing to the expenses by taking care of the children, working AND keeping house. Those things should not be taken for granted and go unappreciated. Being a mom, is a job without pay and he clearly has failed to realize that. I do not feel that you are wrong, and it appears that he has some issues with control, and money, which ultimately could cause serious problems down the line for you. Seek counseling and see if there are any local budgeting classes that you both could attend through the community. A lot of times these classes will offer an evaluation of your finances, a budget (which include a clothing allowance!!lol) and also a savings plan for your future. You could also suggest that there be a third party financial advisor that handles the money to relieve the stress from the relationship, and this could be anyone from a trusted friend/relative to a CPA. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I think that maybe this is an issue of trust between you. You should both feel that you are working towords the same goals. There is no reason for you to feel "guilty" for spending money on family's nessecities. The times you went "overboard", ask yourself why? Did you really go over board, or where you feeling guilty? Check yourself and question what your intentions were, emotionally (lashing out) or logically (responible nessecitiy). As a parent we have to spend money on our family's needs (clothes, food, education......). When the money is spent on the children does the biological difference affect the issue? Are all your children being equally tended to? Is the any resentment? The children are the most important factor...above and beyond all/any monetary issue.

What are the goals you and he are working toward? What are your individual goals? His? The children's? How are you supportive of your family's joint as well as individual goals? Are your goals known and respected? Do you feel you're receiving the support toward your goals?

This subject is the #1 cause of divorce. Address and clarify your goals, before it is addressed in a moment of anger. Be sure that you both are on the same page, with the same goal. If you both understand and share one another's goals, then you both should be working to accomplish the mission. It is important to support and trust one another.

But what do I know, I'm not married ;). Good luck.

Answer 4

My first reaction was going to say something like...get the heck out of that relationship but then I really gave your question/dilemma some thought.

Some people are extremely tight with money and penny pinch every last cent. I work with a woman like this. She saves every cent and basically "pretends" she's poor. The reason she does this is to have money in savings. Last week, after 15 years of driving her old car, she went and paid cash for a brand new Toyota Avalon! Her and her husband own their house, car, truck, boat, and toy hauler free and clear. Maybe your fiance is this type of person??? Have you tried sitting down and explaining how his behavior makes you feel? You really should let him know. It may be that he's controlling or he could just be saving so you both have a great future.

Answer 5

This sounds like me a little. I have been with my boyfriend also for 5 years and he lives with me. I have 2 children (not his) and he has 1 child (who doesn't live with us but is with us more than his mother). My boyfriend makes twice what I make in a week but gives me only $400 month. I pay everything else myself so he's not giving me even half of the bills. (The house is under my name so he feels that he is not obligated to give me any money even though he is living with me and contributing to my bills). I am stuck because the kids worship him, and I can't do it on my own even without his measly $400. I would like to be on my own eventually so if you can do it on your own I would suggest leaving him. I definitely would not suggest marriage at this point as it will not get any easier, or better. You need to talk out the financial aspect now before marriage because he will probably control everything financially and that's no way to live. Good luck, I know exactly how your feeling!

Answer 6

What I did when my husband tried to pull this same thing was I refused to buy anything with his money. If I was spending his money he had to be with me-when we went shopping for school clothes it was the funniest thing I have ever seen. Oh God he hated it sooo much. But I made him come with me cause he had complained I wasnt spending his money properly. It did take about a month before he realized that I wasnt spending improperly -he just had no real idea how expensive everything is.
So next time you need some milk and bread from the store call him at work and ask if its ok to spend the money. Next time the kids want some ice cream from the ice cream guy call him at work and ask if its ok. Just keep calling every time - and very soon he will ask you why you keep doing that -then its your opportunity to talk with him on a realistic level.
Good luck.

Answer 7

Sounds like you are experiencing some major control issues with him. I don't envy your situation. A relationship like this can lead to a lot of resentment and happiness, well I'm sure you know about that.

There should be freedom for discretionary spending on every day items. He is creating a situation where he has assigned his roll as your keeper, not your partner. He has made himself the sole authority figure with your finances.

I think a couple should have separate checking and savings accounts, but should also share in all the expenses. Major purchases should naturally be discussed between the two of you. It's pretty simple, but you can't have one person thinking they have to approve of everything. You are going to have to stand up for yourself and get some help in learning some techniques to cope with this guy. Professionals can help you with the situation in a healthy manor.

Honestly, this does not sound like a healthy situation for you. I watched my grandmother go through the same thing with her husband and she is not all that happy and feels she has no other options. Ask yourself, do you want to live like this?

Answer 8

He is in the wrong. It is called a partnership for a reason. You should both allocate some money to pay the bills, save some for the future, and allocate some for yourselves and your kids. To do this properly, you need to tabulate your expenses and allocate it as I mentioned above. As you are looking after the kids, it is expected that he will need to contribute more money. After all, looking after kids is a job (and an important one at that) Perhaps he does not trust you fully with the money? If this is the case, then if you set a plan, and set your boundaries. Of course, you will need to talk to him first and get his agreement in doing this. That will be the hardest part. Good luck

Answer 9

Oh my, you should NOT have to 'ask' to spend for some things, but of course major purchases should be discussed as equals....you'd better reconsider your relationship with this person. He has control issues. But, I will tell you no one can MAKE you do something you don't feel you have or need to, (of course other than law and court) I would hardly call buying children clothes from the clearence rack a serious situation....maybe you could ask him if he would consider some counseling about this issue. Do it together....

Answer 10

See, when you are earning good, one definitly need to have a track of, where the money is spent. One has to keep the financials, tax payments, and endless things.
He is not stopping you from spending anywhere, you can, but instead of he asking you where have you spent, it would be good if you yourself keep a track of it and give him before he asks for it. I would recommend you to do the same thing for your expenses as well.

Trust me, this will clear out all the differences between you and him and life will be more easy.