Just so no one thinks i'm dark and disturbed or anything like that this poem was written for a really important part in the book New Moon by Stephanie Meyer. It was written during the part were Edward left and Bella felt like she had an empty hole... Also in my last line it says "waiting for a NEW MOON to dawn" i chose the words new moon because of the name of the book and the reference in the book so here it is and help me edit it if you can
Empty
The empty hole
Residing in side me
has taken its toll
It's leaving me with nothing left to be
I can no longer feel
Wondering if I will ever heal
Watching my life pass me by
Hearing nothing but my cry
No reason to try
No reason to carry on
Just waiting for a new moon to dawn
There it is i know it really needs some editing i'm just not very good at that so please leave comments not matter how short or long they help
2007-05-22 14:05:00 · 6 answers · asked by ? 2 in Arts & Humanities ➔ Poetry
Dear Red,
Love the idea of
No efforts to try
No reason to carry on
Do you mind if i use it?.... If you don't post back I'm guessing i can use it since you put it out there anyway
2007-05-22 14:34:56 · update #1
OHHHHHH BYE THE WAY RED
THANKS!~!
2007-05-22 14:35:33 · update #2
Empty
The empty hole
Residing in side me
has taken its toll
(maybe change this line to "taking its toll", just like you refer to it "leaving" you with nothing)
It's leaving me with nothing left to be
(omit "left", "leaving" and "left" are referring to the same thing- you need but to say it once....."it's leaving me with nothing to be")
I can no longer feel
Wondering if I will ever heal
Watching my life pass me by
Hearing nothing but my cry
No reason to try
No reason to carry on
Just waiting for a new moon to dawn
(that may help it a bit...good luck)
2007-05-22 14:13:37 · answer #1 · answered by deziner7 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This seems like a great poem! Good job so far!
Here, I tried to edit as much as I could see that was wrong:
"The empty hole
residing *inside* me
has taken its toll
It's leaving me with nothing left to be
I can no longer feel
*I'm wondering* if I will ever heal
Watching my life pass me by
Hearing nothing but my cry
No reason to try
No reason to carry on
Just waiting for a new moon to dawn"
The rest seems fine.
p.s. You don't seem dark or disturbed. I've written poetry in this style before too, and I am far from being dark and disturbed.
2007-05-22 14:17:44 · answer #2 · answered by the aimster 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Beautiful Poem.
Hope this helps:
Empty
The empty hole
Residing inside me
has taken its toll
nothing left to see
I no longer feel
Wondering if I will ever heal
Watching my life pass me by
Hearing nothing but my cry
No efforts to try
No reason to carry on
Just waiting for a new moon to dawn
2007-05-22 14:23:11 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Empty
An empty hole
resides inside of me
and it has taken it's toll
leaving me with nothinglet to be
I no longer feel
wondering if I will every heal
watching my life pass me by
hearing nothing but my cries
no reason to try
no reason to carry on
waiting for a new moon to dawn
2007-05-24 19:35:59 · answer #4 · answered by Magical 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
don't worry about rhyming everything. play around with it like:
The empty hole
Resides in me
left me with nothing
left to no longer feel
will I heal
life passes by
nothing but my cry
No reason to try
No reason to carry on
Just waiting for a new moon to dawn
2007-05-22 14:14:51 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Cool!! The last line is the ray of hope. Alot of David's psalms are written like that. My comment is that the phrase "new moon" refers to the condition when the moon is on the same side of the earth as the sun, and you don't see the moon at all. Good luck with your poetry!
2007-05-22 14:17:33 · answer #6 · answered by jsardi56 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋