I am thinking and doing.
i wonder how life will turn out.
i hear the ticking of an imaginary clock.
i see drops of light over snow covered mountain tops.
i want to be happy.
i am thinking abd doing.
i pretend thinngs are fine.
i feel the rush of time in a closed box.
i touch the sand of the beach.
i worry it won't be ok.
i cry for problems unfixed.
i am thinking and doing.
i understand why i am here.
i say God is by my side.
i dream to fly high above.
i try to make an effort.
i hope for happiness and satisfaction.
i am thinking and doing.
This is me.
2007-05-22 11:50:22 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Polls & Surveys
sorry: i have a few typos in there. whoops.
2007-05-22 11:57:50 · update #1
Some really great ideas here. I enjoy the repetition of "I am thinking and doing." The rhythm of your lines is good. I get the sense of time passing. Add more "ticking" by increasing words with "tick" sounds, like how you used "drops," "tops," "beach," "unfixed." "PS" and "CH" and "IX" sounds.
On the other hand, you explain your metaphors, which is a no-no. Instead of "i hear the ticking of an imaginary clock," try something like: "Tick. Tick. Tick." People will know what it means...and may even wonder if it's a clock or a bomb. Try to be less obvious. Point to an idea without saying it so plainly.
2007-05-22 12:03:19 · answer #1 · answered by backwardsinheels 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think its a beautiful poem, the only problem I have is that the use of I's in it ruins the flow a bit. Otherwise its lovely :)
2007-05-22 18:59:33 · answer #2 · answered by Darlington 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Lines 6 and 7 have typos. Other than that, I love it!!!
2007-05-22 18:54:44 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
i write poems too...
so i can tell yo for sure, that poem is good,just yo most have equale numbers of words in one roll...
but if yo do a free songs without a ryme than ,poem if ok, an grate..
2007-05-22 19:01:10 · answer #4 · answered by Paradox 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Very, Very Exquisite.
2007-05-22 18:53:28 · answer #5 · answered by Jadaman 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Has potential. Needs work.
2007-05-22 18:57:52 · answer #6 · answered by Alice K 7 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Wow!!!
Beautiful writing.
Keep it up.
You must have a wonderful spirit.
2007-05-22 18:53:16 · answer #7 · answered by Cutemum 6 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I really like it.You should put it up on poetry.com
2007-05-22 18:54:46 · answer #8 · answered by dcsteubenville 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
HI Mia, very sweet, I LIKE IT HUN!
you are quite talented!
2007-05-22 18:52:42 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 3⤋
its nice.
i c its all about yourself..[[18 I's]] heh
2007-05-22 18:57:26 · answer #10 · answered by ♥ S k I p [a] B e a t ! 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋