I want to know from the MEN on this one, what should I do?

Question

I've been married for four years this June. My husband drinks a lot in my opinion. His normal routine is, go to work from 7-5pm without even going home, he goes to his brothers and drinks till 8:30-9pm, then on weekends a little past noon, he leaves again and I won't see him till close to midnite or after.

I have been left alone with my two boys so much that I'm curious if he just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. I've asked him and he tells me that isn't the cause, but why wouldn't he want to come home more or spend time with me then?

Give me some out look on this. This has been ongoing for close to three years. Am I justified to leave him? or am I not trying hard enough?

I'm only 23 yrs old, and I don't want to be a single mom for the rest of my life, but I feel with him being gone so much I already am a single mom.

Give me your opinon I'm curious. What would cause a man to treat someone he supposivly "loves" like this? Be honest too.

Answer 1

Personally, if you want my opinion --- your husband is getting away with "murder", but you have let it go on too long. Three years of this!! hmmm, its a problem hun. He is avoiding you and that is a big issue. Plus, he is not being a good dad, nor showing his kids what a good role model a father should be.

I hate to tell you to end it, as I'm not in a good marriage myself (kids, but lack of intimacy/sex), you name it.

I'm sure your husband knows where to find you when he's horny, right, and and wants something?

Not right, if you ask me,. Going out (alone) is fine with friends/family, but all the time like he seems to do. He needs to assume some responsibility. Its not fair to you honey.

--Jay

Answer 2

ok you are getting a girl's opinion here but...

I honestly think the two of you got married too young and although you were ready to set up house and be a family - he wasn't. I'm actually curious if you got married because you were pregnant with the first...and thought it was the "right" thing to do.

He's doing things at his age (assuming he is your same age, you don't specify) that he would be doing if he were single...pretty typical for a guy who just isn't ready for the commitment that marriage is. He isn't done living out his "young" years yet - most people your age are in school and partying....not raising two kids and running a home.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you...I'm sure he does...he just isn't happy with how his life has turned out, I'm sure it wasn't what he was expecting...and he is using alcohol and avoidance to cope.

You can just give up and leave - or you can try to get him to go to marriage counseling...if he refuses to go, go yourself for a while, the therapist will be able to help you decide what you should do for your and your son's best interest in the future.

Answer 3

It sounds like your husband has developed a drinking problem and until he admits this to himself theres not much youre going to be able to do. Only you can decide when enough is enough and time for a change. You have to do what you feel is right for you and the boys and if leaving him is the best option for you three then so be it. He made his own bed here so he has no one to blame for histroubles and it doesnt sound like he even wants to change anyway. Youve already spent more time than anyone could expect you to have waiting for him to come around and nothing has changed during that period. There is no way to tell what would cause a man to start drinking like this and forego his own family but it doesnt much matter as you have this problem and its not going to disappear anytime soon. Hes going to probably need professional help to overcome this but everything to recovery has to start with him and him alone. You havent signaled anything like this here so for your sanity and the sake of the boys, its time to move on. Sorry about your marriage and good luck

Answer 4

You sound a lot like a woman I used to know. You live in NC? You continue to do the best you can do as the wonderful mother you are. This is a very difficult question. I would have to say you leave this man. I can only assume that he's not the friendliest of individuals after he's been drinking for 3 hours plus nightly. And if a man is going to choose a bottle over his wife and kids after work, the man has a problem. Try your best to muster up the courage to do what you feel is right. I thnk we both know what that is. God bless.

Answer 5

since he told you there is a reason why he is drinking late at nite, perhaps you can try to find out from him by talking to him. also try to analyze yourself. you might have done something that he don't like that drove him to do it. Or he has a problem of his own which he cannot share with you. perhaps its best if you could talk it out with him personally. be understanding and be ready to lend your ear. it might also be wise to seek a marriage councilor, priest or psychiatrist to talk to, so that you can explore ways to find out why he is acting like this lately.but im sure he has some concerns that he cannot tell to anyone that's why he is finding an outlet for it. Its much better if you can bring him to a councilor he trust where he can voice out his concerns, whatever it may be. Divorce is the last resort but be sure to consider what will happen to the children when you do so. They are more important than your own feelings. Exhaust all means first before ever thinking of divorce. I too have been separated from my wife before and i've seen my son's situation trying to catch up all the lost years we should have together.. You see,It is the children that suffer most, not you,in divorce. Remember, the children will be our replacements when the time comes.Ity is our foremost duty to train them well. Don't hesitate to write me in case you need further help. Lastly, always pray. It works! I hope my letter helps...

Answer 6

Most men tend to wander away from the relationship and get destracted by other things after four years, you need to invigorate him don't let things be routine when he's at home get intimate with him whenever possible but also take initiative and make him want you, make him spend time with the kids and promise him rewards for doing things like that, as for the drinking depending on what he likes get a bottle of it, and call him and tell him you wanna share it with him do things for him he doesnt usually get, once you pass through this faze in your relationship it will be smooth sailing until he's fourty, the other thing is flirt with him make him forget about everything else, give him a reason to call in sick your still young you can keep this together but you have to make things different for a little while, do things with him he likes doing go to the theaters blow a little cash have some fun. That is how you keep your husband reeled in at this point in time.

Answer 7

That sure doesn't sound like a good marriage to me. It's highly unlikely that it's going to get any better unless he gets counseling and help with the drinking problem. Obviously, I don't know you, but it's hard to imagine that you could deserve to be treated (ignored) like that.

I'd suggest that you start by telling him what you're not happy with and what you need (him spending more time at home with you and your children) and suggest that he go to Alcoholics Anonymous to get help with the drinking problem. Go to Al-Anon yourself to get help with dealing with an alcoholic. Give him a little time and if nothing changes, tell him you want to go to marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, I'd go to a lawyer to start working on the divorce.

You are way too young to have to spend the rest of your life in that kind of situation. Sure, there are some guys who won't want a woman with kids, but you don't want that kind anyway! There are plenty of nice guys around who will be fine with that and will make a better partner than the one you have now.

And as you said, you're basically a single mom now (but worse since you have to deal with him also), so I wouldn't worry about whether you can handle that.

Answer 8

if ur a worker u know how if feels to spend the whole day at work and then coming home, eat something quickly and then go to bed...
it feels like life is over.
so u should understand if ur husband goes out a little.

this though doesnt allow him to neglet u.

so...my suggestion is u get a lover...this way u wont feel frustrated anymore...ull b happy to let ur husband have fun the way he prefers, u wont put ur kids in an, at least, awkward position and if he starts suspecting something then ull even know if he still cares 4 u and how much...and dont 4get also that a little jealously is the best wake up call 4 a sleepy love...

Answer 9

Well you need to understand that you signed up for this. He has always drank a lot, you just didn't care when you were dating. You either though he would change (men don't change) or that you would change him (classic female mistake). Either way he is what he is and isn't going to change. You can either accept him this way or divorce him, those are your only choices.

That you want to know why he would treat you this way tells me you don't really understand what is going on. This is what he does, always has and always will. It really doesn't have much to do with you or his love for you. Next time see the signs when dating and choose a better guy.

Lucky for you that you are still young and probably pretty. Now is the time to get rid of this loser.

Good luck.

Answer 10

There are 2 problems. He has a drinking problem and he wants to be with the "boys". So he is just an overgrown kid that his buddies chastised him if he spends too time at home. They may play pool, complain about the world, or go to bars. That's the life of young men with no good prospects around the horizon.

The second problem is even if he doesn't drink, he may still not want to spend time with you.

You are trying to solve 2 problems at once. Which one you think is more urgent?