My wife talks to her mother on the phone 2 to 4 times, daily. Is that normal?

Question

Long story short, we met on Match.com, we fell in love, she moved across the country to be with me, gave up her whole life/family to be with me...and we just got married. All is well, we're made for each other in my mind....but I've been desperately trying to understand her need to speak to her mother EVERY DAY. This sometimes occurs upwards of 4 times a day. Morning calls, night calls, at work calls, etc. If it isn't my wife calling her mom, it's her mom calling my wife. We actually lived with each other for about 1 year before getting married and multiple times I expressed my concern over the daily calls to "Mom". My head nearly came off in one swipe. I completely understand the fact it's been hard to leave everything behind, but I do not quite understand the need to talk to your mother EVERY DAY, 2 to 4 times a day. There's a certain "controlling" issue I see and I believe this is unhealthy for us. Can anyone tell me if this is normal for Mothers and Daughters?

Thanks for all of the great answers. I have to say that my biggest concern about this is the following: I've started to pick up on the fact that when something comes up that needs discussing, even something personal such as finances or job related items or even a bad day at work.....her Mom tends to be the first one to know about it and many times I get "Well, Mom thinks...." I just want to say...'Wait a minute, what about what I think? How come you didn't talk to me about it me first" It's even gotten to the point where one time I had to literally wave my hand back and forth while she was on the phone with her mom, talking about money, and I had to say...."Ummm...hey, don't forget that I have a viewpoint too?" That's the frustrating point...I feel that as her husband I really should be the first priority concerning her thoughts, issues, and plans. Obviously not about everything, but especially when it comes to certain core marriage issues such as finances for example.

Answer 1

My first question is WHY is this a problem???

Is the mother trying to undermine your relationship w/ your wife?? Is she at all interfering? Or are they simply talking about "stuff!?"

Also.. did her mother raise her alone or was there a father in the household as well?

Ok.. NOW... as a "mommy's girl" myself I think that I can probably give you a LOT of insight into this!!

I talk to my mother on the phone at LEAST 3-4 times a day!! She is my BEST friend!! :) We dont really talk about important things all the time... sometimes we just "gossip" about stuff going on in the world, on the news, w/ family members, etc. Other times we talk about my kids and what they are doing and what I should do to keep them busy or calm them down. We also talk about relationships including my marriage and her engagement. But she has NEVER tried to undermine my relationship w/ my husband (in fact sometimes I think she likes him more then me! LOL).

As women we NEED an outlet. We NEED someone to talk to and bounce ideas off of. We NEED to VENT!! If there is something bothering me I ALWAYS call my mom! Now, granted, if it DOES have to do w/ my husband then unless its something that I have done wrong I usually dont bring it up. I simply do NOT want my mother to not like my husband for ANY reason so if he has done something to upset me I usually just take it up w/ him. BUT for example, I was "emotional" last week (b/c my monthly "visitor" was here) and my husband said something that made me cry. I called my mom b/c I KNEW that I was the one blowing it out of proportion and just needed her to CONVINCE me and calm me down b/c my hubby really hadnt done anything wrong. I can ALWAYS count on my mom to be the voice of reason!! LOL

Another thing that you may want to realize is that your wife MOVED ACROSS THE COUNTRY to be with you (which should show you right there how much she loves you) and she probably misses her mother a LOT!!! Especially if the two of them were close!! I live in Knoxville, TN and when I moved 3 hours away to Nashville, TN I missed my mom so much that it was really ridiculous!! LOL I simply can NOT imagine moving that far away from her! Your wife probably has not really had a chance to make any close friendships yet in her new town that she just moved to and NEEDS SOMEONE to talk to... that is her mom!!

What you need to understand is that talking to her mom (even 10 times a day) should in NO WAY make you uneasy or worried!! Its her MOM and YOU are her husband! In a woman's heart, these two people have completely seperate places and completely differant "uses!" There is NOTHING to be worried about (unless her mother is interfering, doesnt approve of you or is trying to convince her daughter to move back)!

If she IS an interfering mother, then you might have a problem. In that case though the WORST thing you could possibly do is make your wife choose, because her mother WILL win (simply b/c any man making her choose him over a parent wouldnt be worth it!) But you could tell her that it was making you uncomfortable and you were worried that she might start feeling differant about you if her mother keeps talking poorly of you.

But if there isnt anything "bad" being said, then stop worrying. It is COMPLETELY normal and healthy! After all, like I said, its not like she STAYED in her hometown.. she DID move across the country for YOU!! Be GLAD that your wife has such a WONDERFUL relationship w/ her mother.... after all, its a great example of how to be a good mother when the two of you have kids!!

*** I just read your additional details and here are my thoughts on all those issues! I HAVE talked to my mother about financial issues before (we have even had to borrow money before but have ALWAYS made it our FIRST priority to pay her back in a timely manner) but I TRY NOT to discuss things like that b/c I have learned THROUGH TIME that it just isnt wise and actually just causes more issues btwn my MOM and me then my hubby and me! I dont LIKE to hear her "harping" on me about how we are careless w/ our money or how we should be saving for retirement or whatever. Its frankly none of her business! LOL But, keep in mind that you and your wife just recently got married and she may not have had the time yet to figure out what is and is not "off limits" when talking to her mom (for HER sake as well as yours!!) She WILL figure it out! But..... here are some things you may want to share w/ her that I have learned from experience (and they ARE words to live by... you might even let her read this from one wife to another!!)

1) Wives (and or hubby's) can forgive and forget... but mothers even though they may forgive..will NEVER forget!! It is best to keep all SERIOUS problems w/ the marriage IN THE MARRIAGE and not to discuss them w/ your parents!! You NEVER want any parent to be left w/ a "bad taste in their mouths" for something that you are able to "get over!"

2) Anything financial... whether its your mortgage, everyday bills, health insurance, medical bills, how much you spend on "junk," etc.... ANYTHING that has to do w/ $$ should be off limits!! This is YOUR time to learn how to be responsible and take care of those kind of things yourself! If you want some advice its ok to ASK but dont give any info on what you ARE doing! Mothers (and dads) have a way of still treating us as "kids" in that regard!

3) SEX should ALWAYS be off limits!! Not only would it be uncomfortable for the mom/dad to HEAR about it.. but its EXTREMELY uncomfortable for YOU (as the husband) to know that your wife had shared things about you in bed w/ her mom!!

4) Even if her mom is her BEST friend (womanwise)... as a couple and in a marriage there MUST be room for you also! YOU should be the one she comes to FIRST about the really important things, ESPECIALLY things concerning you or your relationship!! She cannot and should not use her mother as a "crutch!"

As it says in the Bible (although I am not quoting it, just the basic idea of what it says) "A woman must leave her mother and cling to her husband"

When you get married, you mother can still be your best GIRL friend.... but your HUSBAND must be your BEST friend!! B/c if there is no communication, then there is no marriage!! After the lust and the sex and the looks are gone... what is left is your friendship and companionship.... you must nurture THAT FIRST and foremost!!

I really hope that helped!

Answer 2

1

Answer 3

Yes this is normal. Your wife and her mother are obviously very close. Leave them alone and if the $$ for long-distance is a problem, approach the issue cautiously and positively (she can always pay her own phone bill). Frankly, I'm amazed you have a problem with it. She moved long-distance to be with YOU!

Added: If you feel that issues that should be kept within the marriage (e.g., finances) are brought up too often, that would be a good reason to have a conversation about the things you'd really like her to keep between the two of you. Try to keep the discussion as pleasant and civil as possible (e.g., don't accuse her of anything...instead point out why some of the topics in her conversation bother you personally). I have a feeling your wife will begin to realize that she doesn't have to tell her mum everything. And be forgiving if she slips up once in a while.

Answer 4

, ok, ok, now lets here from some1 who is not attached to their mom, a person in the same boat since every1 else can only see it from where they're standing and not putting there selves in the OP's position. Normal isn't the word to be using here, its weather or not its gone too far, and clearly it has. Coming from some1 in the same position, no matter what any1 says, there is a level of influence that the in laws bring into your marriage when this happens. And from the person who litteraly wrote the book on marriage (god), a wife and a husband are supposed to leave their father and there mother and stick to they're mate. This in its self should regulate how often any 1 of them talk to they're parents, every now and then OK, every day????// and multiple times a day??????? That's wayyyy to much. When u make a vow to stick with ur mate for the rest of your life, you've chosen them to be your (out) or your (safe haven), going to your mom sooo often is almost like cheating.

Answer 5

Yes, it's normal for new brides to talk to their mother 3 or 4 times a day, even if they live across the street from one another. As the wife grows closer to her husband, the calls get less frequent. Soon, the wive begins to confide more in you than she does her mom. And when that happens, your mother-in-law starts turning into a real battle axe, because she finally realizes that you've stolen her daughter away! It's an all around fun event, for everybody but you. For now, just be glad your wife has a warm relationship with her mother.

Answer 6

Well, to me it sounds completely normal. I'm 31, been married for almost 6 years and I speak with my mother (who only lives 3 miles away) at least twice per day. We are very, very close. I love her dearly and I just enjoy hearing her voice, sharing about our day etc. It does not interfere with my marriage...I don't call her to complain about my husband or anything. And, she doesn't call here and interefere in our life at all. We just enjoy each other...sometimes mothers and daughters are so very close. It's hard to describe.

However, if these phone calls are about you in some way and your new mother-in-law is butting into your marital business where she doesn't belong then I'd say these conversations are a real problem. Your wife should keep things between you and her private.

But, if she just misses her mom (especially after moving away from everyone and everything she's ever known) then I'd cut her a break and just accept that moms and daughters sometimes have a relationship like that.

My husband just laughs and rolls his eyes when I'm on the phone with my mom. He doesn't understand it, but it doesn't directly affect him in anyway so he doesn't get mad...he usually just teases my mom and I about it. To him it's a little odd, but to me and my mom it is completely normal.

Good luck!

Answer 7

I think it's totally normal.

If I'm not seeing my mom that day, I talk to her at least 2-3x's also, this may be a little much, but you know, oh well.

She's my mom, one of my best friends. She'll always be my mom.

Having to make a choice between my mother and my man would be horrible, and if you even make it seem like your wife has to do that, trust me, you'll lose.

She already moved for you and married you...congrats by the way--but moving does not mean you leave everything about your previous life behind, least of all your family.

Ever heard the experession that "when you marry him/her, you marry their family too?"

Good or bad, like or not, your wife's mother came with the package, and while there are definately limits and boundaries--set them up, absolutely--don't make it seem like a choice she has to make!

You knew about this before you married her, what made you think it would change? Your wife has two best friends, and isn't that cool! I think it is! My mom and my bf are my two best friends, that's the way it is. My bf is secure enough in our relationship to know that he does come first, 99% of the time. He can say the same for me. Mothers were there first, marriages are important, but that parental bond is truly ever lasting, and if you're not a parent, you won't understand it--period.

Are you perhaps a little envious of your mother-in-law? Is the communication between you and your wife lacking? Does she make time for you? Does she turn the phone off at certain times? If she doesn't, than I can see your point, but still....

A lot of times, I turn my phone off, or will purposely tell my mother "don't call me until ...." that way, she knows and my bf knows, that they each have their seperate times.

Everyone can be a priority, just not at the same time, and not all the time! It's all about balance!

As long talking with her mother doesn't interfere with your marriage (my mom and I very rarely talk about my bf), then don't worry about it.

It is completely normal and a woman thing! We like to talk!

Perhaps if our men would talk a little more to us and with us, we wouldn't need to call others so often! Just a thought!

There are plenty of cell phone companies that provide unlimited mobile-to-mobile plans....get yourself, your wife and her mom on the same plan with the same company, you'll save hundreds of dollars! Or try a digital phone company with unlimited long distance! There's ways to combat the prices these days, just look into it!

Bottom line, speaking from experience as a woman, she did move for you, so praise her for that (that was very brave) and support her.

A woman who's close to her mother will make sure she's just as close to her own children, and that's a good thing!

Goodluck!

Answer 8

I believe they are going totally overboard. I also note most of the long answers are women who also talk to their mothers too frequently and are trying to justify their own behavior as normal. On average, most people talk to their mothers once or twice a week, and it is true that women talk to there mother more frequently (more like 2-3 time a week on average). So, looking at those averages, you can see that 14-28 times a week, in indeed, well out of the normal range. There are too many possibilities on the potential cause to discuss, here, but it is clearly abnormal behavior.

Answer 9

This is a wonderful thing that your wife and her Mother are this close. You cannot be concerned that it will interefere with your marriage as the only way it can is if you allow it to by being consumed with - what are they talking about, what is she telling her mother that she cannot talk to me about, etc., etc.. Trust me nothing like that is really going on - she's talking Mother/daughter stuff such as why is this way or would purple go good in that room.

I speak from experience. In order to accept it - you must trust your wife inplicitley! If you are at all concerned - just say to her "your not talking to your Mother about things that should stay between us are you?" if she says no - believe her & then let it go. DOn't try and understand the relationship - accept it & be happy for your wife that her & her Mother are this close.

Answer 10

a girl's mom is her best friend we live 40 minutes from my mom and we talk ALL the time my last months phone bill had 150 calls to my mom totalling in almost 1500 minutes....i love her and she is my only mom and if you are worried about the bill i have a plan that adds in unlimited long distance and it is only like 5-10 more a month than a normal plan....let the woman talk to her mom bc if you try to tell her not to then that's what's gonna cause problems...she left her family to be with you so don't take the phone from her....my husband is military and just think in 2 years we might be half way across the world....if he took my phone from me so i couldn't talk to my family then i prolly wouldn't go with him...simple as that

Answer 11

Yes, this is normal. You have to understand her she was very close with her mother and more than likely the first born or the youngest and you took her away. As years go on your wife will not be calling as much as she is now. She will have other priorties such as kids, work, every day life, ect. So be patient with her and let her talk. I live no even 5 miles from my mom and I go over just about every other day and talk to her like more than 3 times a day. Just remember she is talking with her mom not another guy so lighten up alittle and just let her be.