Several weeks ago my husband suddenly said he was't sure if he wanted to be married. I thought we were happy (at least I was) and this was a shock. I'm a stay-at-home mom who gave up her career 2 years ago to be with our baby. He seemed totally serious so I called the university where I used to teach and got my old job back starting this Fall. I figured I needed to protect myself in the event I became divorced. Then, he suggested counseling and we've been going for 3-4 weeks now. He explained there that knowing I'm going back to work has lifted tons of stress off of him and he'd like to work on the marriage. Meanwhile, he makes excellent $.Now, I'm the one that is angry. I feel like he took the agreement we made for me to raise our child and just took it away. That was very, very important to me at least until she was in school. Now, I'm stuck putting her in daycare. I'm in a bad mood daily and he's getting mad at me. I feel like I don't even need him after this whole mess.
2007-05-22 08:20:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Well of course you are going to resent him....I would at least try to make the marriage work...Maybe he was under the impression that you weren't ever going back to work and maybe the bills and other things started to stress him out and that could be one reason why he said what he did...I wouldn't worry to much if you both are really trying to work the marriage out....if there is a hug problem besides this one I would just try to get it out in the open...
Make how you feel known, what mommy doesn't want to raise her child without daycares....men just never understand the importance of things like this.....Make sure he knows exactly how you feel and why you feel as though now you should give up.....But just keep the faith.....
2007-05-22 08:28:14 · answer #1 · answered by danxtsupamodel 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you ask him why he was feeling stressed out? Just bear in mind that although he is making good $$ now, what makes you think this will last? I think he must have just been concerned that should he ever lose his job, then there wont be any breadwinner but he is too afraid to say anything?
Do not let issues like this blind you from your goals. A lot of marriages fail due to issues such as this. My husband feels a lot better since I started working too but so do I. I think that is it great that your husband is trying to make the marriage work. Dont be angry. Once again, remember that while he maybe making excellent money now, there is no guarantee that in the future it will be the same. Save up and perhaps yuo both can make an early retirement. Good Luck!
2007-05-22 08:32:09 · answer #2 · answered by SG GAL 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband is feeling pressured by something that it doesn't sound like he's sharing with you. It could be that he's struggling making the transition from a carefree guy to a dad & husband with greater responsibilities and less freedom to do what he wants, it could be that he misses the pre-baby version of you that was sexy and appealing (but he probably won't tell you that).
There are some big adjustments that come along with kids that couples often struggle with. You're not unique and it's nobody's fault - it's just part of life. My wife and I went through this and i had to learn how to change my lifestyle to adjust (it was hard sometimes).
I suggest you sit down and have a long talk about why he's unhappy. Don't judge, try to figure out what you can do together to get him through this stage. If you can navigate this phase successfully, your marriage will be stronger and you'll be a lot closer to each other.
A piece of personal advice - don't forget that you need to pay attention to the care and feeding of your marriage too, not just the baby. Spend some time with each other, take of yourself physically; and don't go too long without sex!
2007-05-22 08:42:09 · answer #3 · answered by cyclingnut86 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's probably just anger, but if you are that mad, take some time apart. Ask him to stay somewhere else for a week so you can both clear your heads and cool off. When he comes back, you need to agree on a course of action and stick to it, whether it be counseling or divorce.
The stress of being the single bread-winner may just be too much for him. Besides, putting your daughter in daycare may be a great thing. She's have the opportunity to get to socialize with many other children and be in a learning environment different than the one she's used to.
2007-05-22 08:30:00 · answer #4 · answered by Trisha 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to bring up your feelings about the baby raising agreement in couseling...Even though he makes good money, things change and him being the only one working is stressful no matter how you look at it....I don't know too many people who can stay at home with their kids, I have a 7 and 5 year old and I have worked the whole time, just be sure you put the child in a daycare that you trust...it will actualy be good for the child to be around other children his/her age
2007-05-22 08:36:30 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Bring your feelings of anger up at your next counseling session.
In the meantime, consider this: What if he wasn't able to make the kind of money he's making now - would you still love him?
Did you both mutually discuss your staying at home and agree on timetables etc. or did you just decide it on your own and bully him into accepting it?
Did you think of the toll the stress of being the breadwinner was taking on your husband - or did you just live in your princess land?
Are you taking the martyr-track now? It sure sounds like it.
And he's not blameless - he should have spoken with you sooner - about the stress he was under trying to live up to your expectations instead of the "maybe I want a divorce" salvo. But then, maybe he was trying to tell you something but you chose to ignore it.
Yeah. I'm glad that you are in counseling. You two need to learn how to discuss important things like this openly and honestly.
2007-05-22 08:47:18 · answer #6 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds to me like he was just needing extra help with the bills. Thats a lot of stress on one person, I think that you are mad because he hasnt asked you not to go back to work. Why dont you make a comp. call the university and see if you can teach part time. Maybe 2 days a week. Your daughter will love being in school with friends to play with and you will get some "You" time and the money can help your husband out.
2007-05-22 08:26:42 · answer #7 · answered by mama 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like something that needs to be brought up in counseling. He was feeling financially stressed - you weren't. You are now feeling stressed because you won't be home with your kid until they start school (most of us aren't, any more) as you both had planned, according to you.
The therapist will guide you through these issues and hopefully you both will learn something about yourselves and each other and will be able to reach an agreement that fits for both of you.
Yes - you are angry - you are feeling resentment that he changed the plans. I don't think getting divorced while you are feeling angry is a good idea.
2007-05-22 08:26:21 · answer #8 · answered by Stefka 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps it was a bit unreasonable for you guys to agree to you not working for 4 or 5 years. It was obviously putting an emotional strain on your husband. You were wise to go back to work, because this man may change his mind again about being married. He's not to be trusted, as you can see. Best wishes and keep an eye on this guy. He's a con man.
2007-05-22 08:43:35 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Stop allowing him to call all the shots and yank you all around. From your other question, it sounds like he has panicked and so have you. Stay calm. Stay in counseling EVEN IF he stops so that you can be a good mom to your daughter. Lives change all the time and you can be a good mom even if your husband flakes out on you. good luck.
2007-05-23 06:45:14 · answer #10 · answered by undone 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋