How do I end my marriage without feeling guilty?

Question

I am 26 years old I have been with my husband for 9 years. In the begining I let him tell me who to see, what I could and couldnt wear and who I could or couldnt talk to. I have always done everything at home I do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry-everything. He will not help me with anything. He is emotionally abusive and makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I am always walking on egg shells All he does is sit on the couch and watch t.v. or work on trucks outside and whenever he needs anything he just hollars for me and it drives me insane. We dont share money- because he said he makes allot more so basically he doesnt think we should and he thinks I am bad with money. He is selfish is every aspect of our marriage and I dont even feel like we are married- I feel more like roomates. He doesnt spend time with my friends or family and he gets mad if I want to spend time with them. I have asked him several time to go to counsling and he refuses.I want out but I dont know how to.

Answer 1

Can't believe some of the answers that you are getting. Guilt does NOT mean that you should stay in a relationship that is causing so much pain.

There is so much that goes into marrying a man that is abusive. Part of the reason why you married him likely is because you felt sorry for him. People who are controlling act like victims. They blame everyone else for their problems. I'm thinking the biggest reason why you feel so much guilt is because you have accepted the blame for his problems. It is time to stop accepting that blame. He brings those problems on himself. You do not cause them.

Secondly guilt is part of the grieving process. In this case, I think the guilt is coming more from accepting his blame then it is from the grieving process but you do need to know about the grieving process because it helps you to understand why you are ready to leave.

Divorce
There are two tasks that need to be done before a person decides to divorce. First the person deciding to leave needs to grieve the loss of what that person wanted out of the marriage. The ideal, the dream, or what once was and now is no more. That person needs to go all the way through the grieving process including the five stages of grief which usually takes about a year.
The five stages will be listed here because if you are thinking of leaving, it will give you an idea of how far you are in grieving.
1. Denial - I can't believe this is as bad as it is. He or she will get better. There is still hope for this relationship.
2. Anger - It is all my partner's fault. That person is the one that is in the wrong. Why me?
3. Bargaining - If only this would have happened or that would be different or if we could get help or if that would have worked. This is the working through understanding what went wrong in the relationship. Was it about me or the other person? Is there any way of salvaging it?
4. Guilt - It is all my fault. I am the one that allowed this to happen. I am the one that made all of the mistakes. I am the one that is wrong.
5. Acceptance - This is when you can say to yourself it is over and it no longer hurts to say it. This is when it becomes a relief to leave your partner because you know without a doubt that it is over.
Each of these stages have a purpose in understanding why the relationship failed. Each needs to be gone through.

The second task is to feel that you have done everything you could to salvage the relationship. While most of this is done in the bargaining phase, in the end it needs to be part of the acceptance that you have tried everything and nothing has worked. It does not matter what these things are, they are unique to the individual and the relationship. It just matters that you have tried several things and none have worked.

Let go of the guilt hun. Life is too short to stay in such a painful relationship.

Answer 2

I'm sorry that things have come to this, but your life is important. If this is the man that you do not want to share your life with, then simply go to an attorney and file for divorce. If he is abusive, the make sure that you file for a restraining order at the same time.

You can not let someone else dictate your life. If you do you are just a slave. It is hard to leave someone, you blame yourself for the failures, however, it takes two to make a relationship and if he is not one of the two then why would you want to stay.

It is hard, seek some counseling but first and foremost, remember...

You are a human not a puppet, don't let your strings be pulled by anyone except you. The only person you ever have to answer to is that Lady in the mirror.

Answer 3

Since you have given him many chances to go to counseling to save your relationship you need to decide if you are going to continue in this abusive relationship or if you are going to get out. And there is no reason for you to feel guilty, but he will use that against you if he can and try to make you stay with him (he may even threaten suicide, but don't believe it, its just a ploy to control you). He is immature and controlling and selfish. You don't mention children so you won't have that as a complication having to deal with him after you leave. Just look in the newspaper for rooms to rent or apartments or talk to a friend or family about temporarily moving in with them. Then each day of the week when he leaves for work take your personal belongings that he won't miss and take them to someone else's house. On Friday remove the last of it and leave him a note saying you wish him the best and you will file for divorce when you get enough money. Good luck to you and God Bless.
P.S. If he threatens you be sure to call the police immediately and get a restraining oder and document any threatening phone calls emails or texts.

Answer 4

Hon, you are going to feel some type of guilt either way if you stay or go. My Mother use to tell me that going through a divorce is like going to a funera. The only thing that I can tell you is you only live once and you have to life your life for you because no one else can do it for you!!!! You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Life is about making decisions and that is how you learn to live and learn. You are at the crossroad, now do you want to make a right or left?
Only you will know (not your friends & family) when you've had enough . There are 3 things promised in life: Trials and tribulations; death and taxes.
P.S. Remember, People do what they want to do not what you and I want them to do. Good Luck, Sister

Answer 5

You could be the poster child for why not to marry early in life. Of course you knew better at the time no matter how many people told you other wise...right? You made a stupid mistake kids to all the time. Just tell yourself you were stupid and you won't have any guilt for ending a dumb marriage.

Next time pick a good guy, there is a trick to that but I'm sure you already know what it is...

Answer 6

First of all if the relationship is like that you are still young and can find someone who treats you like a woman should be treated......The simple answer though is that your hapiness is what is important, don't worry about him feeling bad for a couple weeks when you have feeling like that for years. Once you decide to divorce and find another guy to spend your life with, the little pain or bad feeling you might have will go away and you will know it was the best thing...It's nest to feel guilty for 2-3 onths than be unhappy for the rest of your life.

Answer 7

sweetie, you could be me. I am also 26 and in the exact same situation, except I am not married, but I have been with him for 9 years. I want you to know that you are not the only one in the world going through this. I know eactly how you feel. I feel the same way. I can't give you any great words of advise, but I would love to talk to you. I know it is the hardest thing in the world to make a decision about. I ask my angels to give me the strength every single day. I know one day I will have the strength and so will you.

Answer 8

wait for a day when he is not there and just leave then send him the divorce papers in the mail...just kidding i know its not so easy when u have been with someone for so long. tell him that you are trying to save the marriage and the only way you can think is counseling if he doesnt want to go still then tell him u see no other way to work it out or u could write him a letter telling him how u feel about all the things he does to you and maybe he will see his mistakes

Answer 9

I'm in the same boat, do you have children? I have three so what I have been doing is every little bit of extra money,even if it is 5 dollar I have been putting it in a savings account. I have been more outspoken about my feelings and once the money is there if he hasn't changed I am out. No feeling bad he pushed and pushed,we have been married for 21 years and this last three months he has been awful.

Answer 10

First step is to leave. Pack up a few things and go stay with your family or friends. Next go get a consultation with a lawyer, it might cost a hundred bucks, but the lawyer should be able to point you in the right direction. If you are worried about your husband coming after you and harming you go to the court house and get a restraining order. After you leave, don't have any contact with your husband and enjoy yourself with your friends and family, the people who really care about you.