My wife of 24 yrs says she has NO sexual desire. I'm trying to understand. Is 43 the "age" for this?

Question

Are there diet items to make her amorous or Spanish fly available? I have tried taking her out-of-town for a mini honeymoon type trip, I help with the kids, do all of my laundry and several loads of linens a week, pick up after myself, work at home and provide a very good living for her and the children. I have been patient. She has told me I am mean. I have never raised my voice at her or scolded her, I am supportive and never belittle or talk negative of her (never). She seems to tolerate me especially when a money issue is at hand. We have NO intimacy or sex at all anymore...she absolutely will not allow the opportunity to come around, she will not allow me to see her unclothed, she locks the bedroom door while dressing or undressing, if I am in there, she tells me I need to leave now. Sometimes I feel like really "leaving". I've gained 22lbs she 37lbs since married in 1982, what is wrong with me that she doesn't want to touch me or be touched. It has been 8 months without ANYTHING

Answer 1

Sounds like my ex,then i found out she was having an affair with a man for 3 yrs of are married lives of 10yrs. I got feeed up with no hope in sight i just told her that it was causing me to look at other women and if i got the chance i dont know if i could resist the urge for imtimate. She should be in the middle of her prime or 3/4. Or just indulge yourself in your kids and self pleasure which can be done,i know its not the same but sometimes we have to do whats best for are family,in which i did. If she is going she will go just be a father to ur kids .

Answer 2

There is nothing wrong with you.
There have been studies where a woman can have sexual dysfunction like a man when reached a certain age. Maybe this could be a legitimate reason why she has less sexual interests and afraid to tell you.

2nd, Women take their weight very seriously and sometimes feel ashamed to have their mate see them unclothed. Just assure to all the time that no matter what she looks like, she is still the beautiful woman that you married.

Advice: The best thing to do is maybe add some sexual excitement to the bedroom.... by surprise. Like a sex toy. Kinda like mention it to her every now and then while you're in bed and see what she thinks. Now she might be offended but assure to her that, all you want to is continue on making her happy. Then 2 weeks later, show her a new sex toy and ask her if she wants to try it. If she says, "No", then accept it....but tell her that you are going to leave it under her pillow.....check back a week later to see if she liked it. Trust me, she will be so curious that she will try it and not tell you..but if you see her smiling all the time, then you know..LOL. Just work on her slowly and you will see the change.
Also, leave her erotic poetry on her pillow 2 times a week and allow her 20 mins before you come into the bedroom. When you come to bed, give her a hug, kiss and tell her that you love her. Watch her reactions....... trust me, her mind is wondering what is going on in yours :-)

Leave her sexy nightware on her pillow and tell her that she is so beautiful. You have to encourage her to bring the sexy back in her. It has to come from you and only you.

Last, she knows that YOU are a good man and she is aware of the barriers in the marriage.

Give her a chance and please be willing to wait.

Dont give up!

Answer 3

You poor thing! I'm very sorry to hear about this problem in your marriage. I think having a "lull" when you've been married that long is probably normal. But it sounds much more serious than a lull. I hate to say it, but she could be having an affair. Women tend to go to extremes when they feel guilty. She may be paranoid that if you touch her or have sex with her, you'll know something weird is going on. Now, don't jump off a cliff just because I said that. I don't know your wife and have no idea about your situation. It's just something to file in the back of your mind, if you can. The best thing you can do is sit her down and have a serious talk about it. I wouldn't beat around the bush. I'd just point blank say "why don't you want to have sex anymore? Is there something I can do? I'd like us to continue to have a marriage filled with intimacy but this is really hurting our marriage. Would you be willing to do some marital counseling?" She may just be self-conscious about her own body. Maybe SHE doesn't feel very sexy. you will only know by talking to her. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Wow, 8 months is a really long time. I don't think her age matters but sounds as though she may have some serious self esteem issues but could also be a number of things such as depression or physical health condition. Try calmly discussing the issue with her and see if you can convince her to see a doctor. If she refuses try picking up on other things like is she sleeping a lot or not sleeping enough, is she over stressed, things of that nature which could be signs of depression. Also, when you discuss with her be sure to use "I" statements so she doesn't feel extremely threatened. Let her know that you feel concerned about her attraction to you or is there something your not doing that you could work on or if there is anything she needs you to do for her, that type of thing and perhaps she will open up her feelings to you.

Answer 5

There is no magic age and there could be a lot of things going on. She might be needing a medical check-up. You might need some marriage counseling. You also might take a good hard and honest look at your own life, actions toward her, and also at what is going on in her life.

There is no reason at 43 or 53 or 63 that anyone has to be without intimacy. It's time that the two of you really talked, and also, don't be afraid to do a little self-examination of your own life.

Answer 6

I am sorry you are going through this, you sound like a great husband and father...there is nothing wrong with you, its sounds to me like maybe she is depressed, maybe she is feeling her age (not that she is old) as far as weight and feeling like she is not pretty anymore or sexy anymore....when a woman feels this way about herself its hard to get out of your own way..I have been there and I am only 35...I have 3 kids I know I am not the same as I was before kids nor will I ever be....when that reality hits it can be very difficult to handle...I know when I went through this I didn't want my hubby to see me without clothes (we did have sex) however it was always lights out complete dark, I was so afraid of what he might see(stretchmarks) or feel (my fat) and because of this I was not that into it and I think he noticed, which can sometimes be worse than not having it at all. You should talk to her tell her how much you Love her an it is hurting you to see her go through this, maybe she need therapy? also maybe the 2 of you could join a gym or maybe she could with a friend (that's what I did) it made me feel so much better about myself mentally and physically..I hope some of what I have said has helped you. Good luck to you and your wife....I hope things get better...OH one more thing she could very well be experiencing early signs of menopause...women can begin to experience signs as early as in their thirties..I know my Mom went through it at 45...so may be she should go have a check up cause it could all be related to hormones.... IF this is the issue maybe she is aware and is depressed about it and in denial cause she is not that old..people think it happened in your fifties or something....1 of my neighbors is 42 and going through it now....just a thought but one she should look into...

Answer 7

Okay. I have your answer. You said it. YOu have gained 22 pounds and she has gained 37 pounds. I think you have been very critical of those 37 pounds. Otherwise, you would not know it is exactly 37 pounds! You have probably asked if she would like to go to a gym, ride a bike, etc. There is nothing that turns off a woman quicker to sex than if her husband (or boyfriend) mentions that she has gained some weight. That is something you never have to tell a person. They already know it. This is the exact reason why she doesn't want to have sex with you. If you want to change this, you need to bring home flowers for no reason. Don't expect sex for flowers and tell her she is beautiful, etc. If she feels that she is fat and unattractive, no wonder she doesn't want sex with you. You need to change this around and giving her a membership to Weight Watchers will only make it worse. Good luck.

Answer 8

It sounds to me like your wife could be going through menopause at a early age and is going through the normal mood swings. I would suggest you n\both go see a counsellor and get her get a check-up to lok at her hormone levels she may very well be losing testosterone which is linked to sex drive and libido. Tell her that you love her very much and you are concerned with her health and well being.

I think this could be a medical issue and has nothing to do with the love she has for you. Tell her that you would like to talk to a marriage counsellor because you are concerned with the way this relationship is headed and that you do not want to lose her.

Communicate: sit down and have a serious talk with her ask her why she is so distant right now and why she is not interested in sex any longer with you?.

God Bless and Best Wishes.

Answer 9

If the situation is not healthy for you, it doesn't matter what others would consider "normal".

Given that she doesn't allow you to see her naked, it could be that the weight gain has made her feel unattractive.

However, whatever it is, you need to suggest counseling NOW.

Don't accept no for an answer. Tell her firmly that you do not deserve to remain in limbo in a sexless marriage, and that if she will not consider some form of counseling or medical consultation for the problem then you will have to discuss where she wants your marriage to go.

Answer 10

sometimes the women might loose interest in sex because the usual routine gets boring. I mean you both need to be open minded and try new things. Sorry this might soon a little too much but you should go and buy a toy that you could both enjoy(if you know what i mean) and be play fully most of the time. if you do so you will find that she is going to start wondering around and she will eventually fall for it and everything will get better between you. Like I said try to be playfully and be open minded to new things and one more tip. buy different things like sexual books, flavored lotions, and other toys and leave them on her drawers and between her intimate clothing and she might get the hang of it :-) but best of all do things that you are both comfortable with.