What about the kids....do I stay?

Question

My husband and I have been married almost 7 years. In those seven years, I have changed for him to try and make him happy. I cook, I clean both to the best of my ability. However, I never get complimented, only criticized for what I do or how I have done it. We have 2 children, 4 and 2. I am a stay-at-home mom. We were essentially separated while he built a new home for our family across state for 6 months. Within that time I slowly regained a sense of who I am and no longer accept his moodiness and anger. At times, I feel he has never cared for me but for the wifely functions I perform for him daily. He has never once bought me a card, Mother's Day gift, etc. (these are superficial, but sometimes the little things help too) I have loved him, but my love for him is slowly dying. I have been seeing a counselor, he refuses to go-it will only make him angry. I don't want a divorce because my children adore him, but I really do not know what to do...

Thank you. Ya know, I don't care for the big house, etc. (put the silly Mother's Day cards in that pile too). He is very angry and I walk on egg-shells when he is home. My counselor believes he has a small personality disorder, and I am the one who is going to have to put in the effort to make our relationship work. He has skewed views on life-very stereotypical that include gender and race. I have a hard time thinking about my children being raised with such bias. I hope that I do everything to keep their little minds open. My counselor also belief that I am getting depressed from being back together (the only reason we were separated was the house building). When I approach with personal concerns, he gets defensive and "doesn't want to argue" with me even though I have never raised my voice to the man. Just thought I would add a little more to see if there others out there with similar experiences (with good or bad outcomes).

Answer 1

Your biggest mistake was to try to make him happy. Happiness comes from within and no amount of stimulous can make someone happy who isn't happy from within.

Well, you could stay and slowly die inside, becoming more and more bitter by the day...

Or

You could pay more attention to your therapist - what does she/he say? Probably - throwing the question back at you - what do you want?

OK I bet I know what you want. You want your husband to be loving and supportive and kind and gentle. You want him to court you like he did while you were dating. You want him to support your endeavors and dreams as much as you support his. You want him to put his life in proper order: God - Spouse - Children - Self - just as you have been taught for however many years.

YOu don't care about the big fancy house. You don't care about the new car or plasma tv. What you want is for him to CARE about you.

I'm guessing here - but I would bet I'm pretty close...

Your therapist is probably going to say something like - When one person in a group changes - everyone else in the group is forced to change. People don't like change - even the one who initiated the change. It hurts. We have to think. We have to do something outside the box - take risks. etc.

So are you ready, willing, able and determined to change yourself? If so, then go to it.

There are lots of things you can do that are good for you. Lose that last 15 lbs of baby fat. Go back to school. Get a part time job. Open a day-care business so you can still stay at home with your own kids.

OH sure. Once you change your life for the better, you'll have a lot more self-esteem. Good for you!

He'll hate it though; because again he'll be forced to think about you in a much different way. Good for him.

So, while change can be good. It is also a two-edged sword.


My question to you: Are you ready for the consequences of your actions (changing your life)?

Answer 2

It is too bad he is not considering marriage counselling, you both could benefit from this. You did not say how it was you both reconciled during your last separation? It was then you should have made him bargain on counselling. If you feel he is verbally being abusive to the point it is affecting your self esteem, then you would have no choice but to leave the marriage. I find it strange how the children can love him when you say he is so abusive, unless he is such an actor that he is able to hide this side of him from them, which is possible. You might want to look at your situation from a more broader point of view. In other words, you need to see if the bad out weighs the good. Here are the good things, you get to be a stay at home mom, he built a house for you and the family, the kids love him. The bad things, he does not compliment you and instead often critices you, he never has bought you a gift. He sounds like a typical man to me, only I have to admit, I am sure glad my man is not this way. Women just like a man, needs to feel loved and appreciated. You might what to see if you compliment him often. He sounds as if he holds a deep anger and resentment towards you, for what reason is unclear to me. You are the only one that can decide. Best of luck in what ever you decide.

Answer 3

why don't you ask him what you should do? Tell him you are trying so hard to please him but you feel as if it's not working. Life sometimes can get very busy and change very quickly when you have children. This happened to me and my ex but i didn't stop to smell the roses for say. It was all about trying to provide and make sure my kids had something. Now look, i'm now by myself without a wife and kids. I make more money than i use to but it goes to child support. I still see my kids 1 a week and every other weekend which still isn't enough. I would do anything to have it back but it would probably happen again since she cheated on me. The only way i can tell you to possibly open his eyes is to leave with the kids. Go to a friends house and stay. Tell him if he wants the marriage to work that this is his only shot- go to counseling and complete the counseling. You will be amazed how quickly things with him will fall apart. He'll act like nothing is going wrong at first but it will come. Tell him you don't want a divorce however you can't stand like this any longer. This may help. I've seen it a few times when couples argue. I'm not saying it will in your case work but it's worth a shot. At least you will know if he's willing to work on it.

Answer 4

You need to realize that not every man is a romantic. He shows his love for you in his own way. Building a new home for your family is a good way to show his love. He likely grew up in a home where love was not said but demonstrated. You are a stay-at-home Mom. Do you realize how many women would gladly trade places with you to be able to stay home and care for their kids? Appreciate that. If you aren't a good cook, get some church recipe books and start learning. You can never go wrong learning to cook. Church cookbooks always have easy, tasty recipes. Be the best wife and mom. You are comparing your husband to your friend's husbands. They bring home flowers, candy, compliments, etc. Your husband does not. One thing is....if he isn't flirting and complimentary to you, you can be sure he isn't doing the same with another woman either. Give it another try. Smile. It is the best thing you can do is to try to make it work for your 2 and 4 year old.They are crazy about him and you should act like you are too. He senses that you are not happy and he doesn't know how to fix it. So fix it yourself. Smile and be happy that you have a husband and children that love you.

Answer 5

It's always tough, because children are terribly hurt by divorce. Yet you have some tough decisions to make. From what you have said it almost seems like you want to divorce your husband because he doesn't give you cards on Mother's Day.

Yet, in the midst of all of this you have to realize that he HAS done a great many things for you. Guys often don't tell a woman they love them, they show it by the things they do every single day. He built a house for you and he obviously loves the kids.

There's something to be said here.

Answer 6

sorry to say, but since he will not see a counselor, your only choice is divorce, since you are no longer in love, and are completely unappreciated. You are not a MAID just because you married him! Remember that. You have self-worth, and should not be stuck listening to his moods and rants. The only thing I can say, I know you are probably hesitant about divorce, but what I had to think about is "are my kids going to follow thier only male role model as how to act as an adult"......more than likely they will have similar reactions to life and people as your husband, if they are in this environment......they will learn that it's okay to talk to a woman the way he does you, and none of that is true! Nothing is right by them unless they do it themselves...........that's not cool and you dont want to "teach" your children that it's okay by staying with him. Counseling would be great, but it sounds as if it's out of the question...............

Answer 7

Wow... reading all these answers, no wonder the divorce rate is so high. Your only option is NOT divorce. If your love for him is slowly dying, resurrect it and work at it! You need to have a frank discussion with him about how you're suffering in your marriage. Tell him to be less crticial and ask yourself if he really did get you a mother's day gift or a card would that change everything?

Answer 8

Thats really tough...But honestly never stay in a relationship for your kids...yes they adore him but they also adore you...Whats better for you guys to be apart and happy infront of the kids or for you guys to be togetehr and always fighting infront of them?? you have to think about it to. My parents got a divorce when I was 7 and my other sisters 9 and 1 yes we were devestated but once we saw my mom happy and our dad happy and they started being friends after and not arguing it was better...and never stay in a relationship if your feelings have faded...think about it and good luck

Answer 9

Staying in an unhappy relationship is not healthy for you or your kids. Its good they adore him, it will make visitation easier for them. But you have the right to be happy too and when you become even more unhappy, your kids will know you are unhappy and they will see your changing back into something that isnt their mom. They deserve to have you happy, thats the best thing a mom can do for your kids

Answer 10

It takes two to make a marriage work. It kind of sounds like you are being verbally abused. You do not have to live like that.

He can still be a father without being your husband. Your children will still love him if you leave. What does your counsellor think?

Good luck with whatever you decide.