Is no sex/intamacy in a marriage grounds for a divorce?

Question

A friend of mine has been married for 5 years, they have one daughter 4 years old and have been trying to have another child (through invitro, with no luck).. and his wife basically doesnt want to have sex anymore, no interest at all. it's like all she wants is the baby but no concern about having a physical relationship, he has talked to her about this and she keeps telling him that maybe her libido might come back someday, but there is nothing she can do about it... I am trying to help him but their issues are complicated and i need help.. he doesnt want to be married to someone who doesn't understand that he has physical needs aws part of a marriage, and he still loves her very much..

Thanx for all the good input, after reading your answers i have a couple more details that can help.

1. He has addressed her with going to counseling and she turns it into something about "Him " having the problem with the way things are....
2. he is talking to me because his wife is sick and tired of him trying to talk to her about any issues, unfortunately I think she cannot face her issues head on.
3. his position is getting worse because he is now thinking having another baby isn't going to solve anyhting, just make things worse, and he told her that , and now she is treating him like dirt because she took it like he wants a divorce.
4. she has been on various drugs, yes it has affected their relationship, but he cannot address these issues because she turns it all around like he is just being selfish, and he is really trying to make thier marriage aas good as it can be..

Thanx for all the good input, after reading your answers i have a couple more details that can help.

1. He has addressed her with going to counseling and she turns it into something about "Him " having the problem with the way things are....
2. he is talking to me because his wife is sick and tired of him trying to talk to her about any issues, unfortunately I think she cannot face her issues head on.
3. his position is getting worse because he is now thinking having another baby isn't going to solve anyhting, just make things worse, and he told her that , and now she is treating him like dirt because she took it like he wants a divorce.
4. she has been on various drugs, yes it has affected their relationship, but he cannot address these issues because she turns it all around like he is just being selfish, and he is really trying to make thier marriage as good as it can be.
5. Without sex and intamacy, love becomes something different, like with your sister...not what i want..

Answer 1

This happens to a lot of women when giving birth... Not to me... I couldn't wait LOL... Through experience with friends that had this happen, I would tell them (the females) to acknowledge their husbands needs and not be so selfish... Most of them would tell me that once the sex started, they would get into it... just the initial part was tough...

I think your friend should talk to his wife and tell her that he really needs the intimacy and as a husband and wife it is our responsibility to give a little... Now a days they have viagra for women and other stimulants... Good Luck and hope all works out

Answer 2

Lack of intimacy falls under reasons to get a divorce. Irreconcilable differences is a rather broad term, and are the standard reason given for divorce.

If both people really want to keep the relationship together, though, counseling can help. Lack of libido can have plenty of physical causes, as well as psychological ones. A little help could save this relationship.

As a side note, if he feels that this partnership is on shaky grounds, it's not the best time to try to have a baby. In fact, doubts about wanting to get pregnant (and stress about the whole shebang) can make it more difficult, even when using invitro.

Answer 3

He should still try some other things before resorting to a divorce though.

this is complicated and he needs to ask her to go to therapy with him.

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EDITED
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this is in light of the new comments that were added to the question:

I don't think its right for everyone to keep saying her husband needs to be more patient with her as I think it is a real problem in many marriages when once a child comes into the marriage many wives put their husbands on the back-burner.

Yes, right now she is probably stressed out by the fact that she cannot get pregnant but the way she responds to him when he talks to her about it or when he asks her to go to counseling are meaning that she is putting him on the back-burner.

When you have a family, you have to find a balance to make sure there is an effort so that everyone has their needs met. You may not be able to do it all the time, but you can put in an effort to do it some time.

Is it really UNREASONABLE for a spouse to ask for sex sometimes? Is it really reasonable to completely ignore the physical side of a marriage? Is it unreasonable for her husband to ask for them to go to counseling?

Here is something maybe you and your friend can take a look at--its a summary of what was on an Oprah show a while back...

http://www.oprah.com/tows/slide/200504/20050420/slide_20050420_101.jhtml

they are speaking about two extremes... one where a mother confesses that she loves her husband more, and one where mothers talk about the fact that ALL of their attention is given only to their children and the husband is not on any priority list. Both sides are wrong I think, but there definitely a middle road here that can be taken.

maybe going through that slide "show" on the link can help give some ideas on what he can discuss with his wife?

I understand that maybe any fertility drugs are causing her libido to go down, but where is there any indication that this issue will be solved if they have another child? saying "maybe my libido will come back some day" doesn't sound too positive.

Answer 4

I can sympathize with your friend. I have been married for 10 years and sex has almost dropped off the radar. I used to get so mad and drive myself crazy thinking about an answer as to why it wasn't happening. Finally one day I just looked at the bigger picture. My wife and I get along great and have a great relationship. We can go out and have fun and really enjoy being around each other and doing things with our kids. We have the occasional argument as most couple do but all in all we are happy with the relationship. I asked myself what was more important, getting along the numerous hours we are together or the 30 minutes of sex a few times a week? If he loves her as much as he says he does, he needs to continue to talk to her. But in response to your question, I don't view lack of sex as a justification for divorce. That is my opinion and it works for me.

Answer 5

Stress affects each of us differently and she is having emotional stress..one of the worst. I am sure that her problem right now is that she is stressed, feels like a failure that she can't produce another child. All this is piling up on her and she just doesn't have the desire for sex RIGHT now. It will come back when she 1) acknowledges it's not her fault or 2) gets pregnant. Your guy friend should really have more consideration for his wife if he loves her as much as you say. They are going through this hardship right now and all he is thinking about is sex? Tell him to be more supportive and if she isn't in the mood and he is then have him pop in a porn and jack off. Also I would consider talking to their physician about this problem, their may be some counseling they could attend to help ease this problem. Good luck to your friends.

Answer 6

First of all this is a friend and you have no reason to interfere in there lives. next I would recommend they look into marital intervention ie: counselling. I think your friends wife is depressed since she has been unable to have another child even with special procedures. I do think though that if all your friend is to this women is a sperm donor then the marriage is already rocky in many ways. I think you need to tell your friend that he just needs to be suppportive and understanding at this moment in time. Once the wife figures she may not be able to have another child and it will just allow her to give more love qand attention to the one they already have together she may come back to wanting a sexual relationship with your friend. Women look at sex alot differently then us men and your friend needs to consider this highly. If they are not in the mood or are going through emotional troubles sex is the farthest thing from there thoughts. Guys can be depressed and stressed to the max and still have the urge to make love to there mate we work differently we enjoy sex and use the sexual release as a stress and tension breaker. Women on the other hand use it form pleasure and some use it to control there mates. Women have to be in a frame of mind to have sex they take alot more brain power and such to reach what is known as the orgasm where is men get there very easily just with the stimulation. I think your friends wife knows the needs of her mate but really the needs are suppose to be mutual meaning that the couple make love as a couple sex should never be one-sided. I think that just because there is a lack of sexual intimacy in the marriage is not grounds for divorce. In most peoples vows unless they write their own generally it goes through good times and bad, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.

You need to remind your friend of the vows and commitment he made to his wife and family in the eys of God his heaven and in front of family and friends. Do you really think his family and friends would not thinkhe was selfish jerk if he divorced just because his wife needed sometime to get over the problems of not being able to bare another child.

Your friend is in need of some therapy as a husband a father and as a lover he has to make compromises. If he has been married for 5yrs he should know by now that marriage is just full of compromises.

Also explain to your friend that marriage and communication are big and if his wife feels like he is not communicating with her or hearing her feelings and showing respect and care for her in the relationship she will not want to have sex with someone that is being distant.

If he doesn't know this COMMUNICATION IS #1 IMPORTANCE IN ANY RELATIONSHIP.

May God Bless you for being a close friend watching out for a friend and may he bless your friends marriage and his future and may a God's will for a new baby in your friend's family be made possible. Best Wishes.

P.S. Remember you are just the friend talk to your friend
let hiom know that you are there for him and his family and if they want someone to talk to make yourself available.

Divorce is always a last resort.

Answer 7

Having no libido is understandable.

It does not make it acceptable to refuse to compromise to meet your partner's needs. While we may all hope her libido comes back one day, she needs to figure out a way that she can have a relationship now that both she and her husband can live with.

In the mean time, he should seriously consider whether he should be having another child or if this marriage is going down.

Answer 8

This is something that I've been struggling with for the last 5 years myself. It's not a happy marriage to say the least. I don't know either way. The lack of sex is the number one cause of divorce. Where else are you suppose to get it if not from your spouce??? I feel for your friend. It's not fun.

Answer 9

She understands he has needs, but doesn't need to be bullied into having sex.

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable for both parties. I'm sure that since she is dealing with infertility she is feeling insecure and like a failure with every negative. Even women without fertility problems have periods where they don't feel all that attractive. From the way you're talking it sounds to me that the husband is being quite selfish and demanding, as though he only cares about his needs and not the needs of his wife. I'd bet a hundred dollars he hasn't address how infertility has affected her.

Answer 10

If you love someone, then no, thats not grounds for divorce! I understand that sex is very important to alot of people, but love should be more important! You can have sex with anyone, anywhere at anytime! Love, true love, is hard to find! Yes, people have needs and yes, she should be thoughtful of her husbands wants and needs.. but, her husband should also be thoughtful!... I would say, if they still love each other and want to make their marriage work, they should go see a sex therapist or a doctor, and a marriage counselor! I really hope they work everything out, for themselves and their daughter! Good luck! : )