Divorce or Not to Divorce?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 4 years. He is 23 yrs old. I love his so much, but for the past 5 months my husband has become someone totally different. It all started 5 months ago when he joined a group of men that reinact WWII stuff around the country. My Christian, decent, awesome husband has become a short tempered, drinking and smoking individual who has quit spending time with me and our 2 yr old son. My husband jumps when ever the leader of this group calls him. My husband drops whatever he's doing and runs to meet with him. My husband is missing work, Dr.'s appts, family get together's etc... for these people. It's almost like an obsession.This is really taking its tole on me and our son. My husband and I fight all the time and I just discovered he is taking out large sums of money out of our bank account. We have tried to talk everything out the past two weeks. But it's not getting better. Not to sound cliche' but I am starting to lose that lovin feelin. Any insight?

Answer 1

If it is not changing then I'd try counseling first and if he's not hip with that then tell him you can't live like this and changes have to be made for your future to exist together. That you are loosing that loving feeling and would like to save it but, the ball lies in his court and if he does not start making proper changes then do what is right for you and your son..If you have tried everything then allow yourself to go forward.It is very hard being a single mom but, you can do it . Make it last choice tho. In my prayers..
~Angel~

Answer 2

Looks like you are losing not only the loving feeling, however you are losing a husband and a father to your child.

Basically it seems that the group has great influence, and that seems to be quite bad judging from what you are saying. At 23yrs old seriously they are still young and perhaps inmature to be able to handle the responsibilities of a husband and a father. Joinging the group somehow give him a chance to let off the steam that he has for a couple of years.

If you treasure the relationship, do try and win him ack from the group. Don't criticise him, don't dothings to provoke him an on the contrary go with his flow.. and slowly understand a little deeper what he is going true and try to talk him out of it, by drwaing to his attention that he has a family still. And what ever he does affects the family. And the family will support him in what ever he is doing.......

This will take time and patience.. it is a difficult task.. however I believe you should try... after all it is not easy to have a relationship, and it is even more difficult to maintain the relationship..

take care

Answer 3

What you describe sounds like the kind of radical personality change that accompanies an addiction. Your husband's priorities have clearly changed, and not for the better. It would not be out of line to insist that he come with you to marital counseling -- if he refuses, you should probably file for divorce.

That said, the reason that he is so into this group is because he is getting something there that he isn't getting at home. Any solution that keeps the two of you together must include getting what is probably a legitimate need fulfilled at home in legitimate ways. IOW, he's not the only one who will have to make some adjustments. If this is going to work, neither of you can insist that the other do all of the changing.

Answer 4

Maybe he needs a wake up call. I would tell him that if things don't change, the baby and I will leave. I'm afraid that you don't have many options here, but he's not being a good husband and father. You say that he is 23 and you've been married for 4 years, well, sounds like he never had a single life before you got together. He's thinking that he missed out on something, I'd say. Maybe a separation would wake him up. Maybe nothing will!

Answer 5

Good God girl - this sounds really bad! Almost like he has been sucked-in by a cult or something! ....taking money out of the account?? Yikes!
OK - here's what I want you to do:
NUMBER ONE: Shift into "survival mode".... be SECRETIVE... do NOT tell him about what I am going to write here. He wants to "play war"....fine ! consider this WAR... and you have to be very very careful or you could end-up penniless and homeless.
First I want you to find out where you would stand if you did divorce him. Only a lawyer in your state can tell you this.
THERE IS A WAY FOR A LAWYER TO NOT BE EXPENSIVE !
Every state has a "Legal Referral" phone number.
Call 411 ask for "Legal Referral" or "Lawyer Referral" something like that.
If you have trouble finding it, look up the local
Bar Association and ask them for Lawyer Referral.
This way you get an hour or a half hour of a divorce lawyer's time -- for only about $30.
DO NOT BREATH A WORD OF THIS TO THE DIPSHIT IN QUESTION - ZIP YOUR LIP. DONT TELL FRIENDS OR ANYONE YOU ARE CONSULTING A LAWYER! FIRST - FIND OUT WHERE YOU STAND. Because the second he hears YOU went to a lawyer - the he might too - and that could seriously work against you. And remember - he has this troop of other men - I promise you- some of them have been thru nasty divorces - they would put big ideas in his head that could ruin you future.
Act innocent - do NOT raise a fuss - not now -- get your plan in place first..QUIETLY.
Prepare for you lawyer consulataion.
Make notes for yourself - JUST the basics. The lawyer will want to know,
if married, how long
age of kids, if any
your income status
his income status
info about the house and the mortgage and who's name stuff is in

QUICKLY spit out the basic stuff -- DO NOT TELL HIM YOUR LIFE STORY - THE CLOCK IS TICKING - just the facts - very brief. Not too much about what the H. is doing wrong - leagally it really doesnt matter - unless you have ammunition against him like him breaking the law... drugs? or anything like that - if you do, tell the lawyer.

Now - shut up and LISTEN to the lawyer! Hopefully - you still have about 25 minutes of your half-hour left.
Let him talk! He will tell you SO much good information for your 30 bucks - you won't believe it!!
Tell him you just "want to explore your options and where you stand." It doesnt mean you are divorcing - it is just amazingly good to find out where you stand.
When he tells you what the next steps would be - remember to ask "What is the cheapest that that step could cost me?"
You do need to know if you can afford to "take action".

Also: this Legal Referral system.... a lot of times the lawyer will do this whole "consultation" by phone if you want ! If they dont have one near you - dont give up - ask if any of the lawyers listed offer consultation by phone!
To pay them sometimes you can pay on-line, or mail a check or money order before the date set for your phone consultation.
COVER YOUR TRACKS - do NOT let the Dipshit find this phone call on your phone bill - or see a canceled check later made out to a lawyer -- be smart!
IF you and the lawyer decide you should divorce - it may be that you need to sneek behind the husband's back and RIP THE REST OF THE MONEY OUT OF THE ACCOUNTS WITHOUT HIM KNOWING - ask the lawyer about this.

It really sounds like this man has gone off the deep end -- or, you never know - maybe you are being played for a fool -- maybe the whole thing is an affair - with the war games as a cover-up. You just never know with men.
All you DO know is this:
IF IT'S MALE...........IT'S LYING !

INFORMATION IS POWER. Pick up your phone and GET some !
Good Luck,
Anna

Answer 6

That doesn't sound right. He has become obsessed with it. I think maybe that group of people could be taking advantage of him. See if you can get counceling as a family. Or try and be involved in what he is doing . See how things really are. Just try and involve yourself with him. See how that works. The money situation needs to be addressed. Money shouldn't come out of the account unless you both know where its going. I would hate to think he was being scammed. Just look into it.

Answer 7

Hi Amy

From what you said in your question it sounds to me and i dont want to make you feel worse but it sounds like he is seeing someone else. I know you said the WW II stuff but from the never being around especially with you and your 2 yr old, taking out money, i know someone who does reinactments from the Civil War era and actually theres not much cost for that.

YOU deserve the respect, trust, honor, committment to you, communiction, and passion. People take their spouses for granted and marriage as well. Im divorced but i can honestly say for the qualities i was looking for above were not there. Its time for him to either grow up treat you special and be a family if he cant or wont see that let him know your options. And put yourself in the driving seat... He may realize he lost the best thing in his life...you. thats why i say why for a WW11 reinact....sounds fishy to me... take care. good luck

Answer 8

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

Have you tried going to a counselor together? Maybe someone of the clergy?

You may have to put your foot down and tell him... he's been missing work, doctors, etc. in place of this and you will not put up with it anymore. He's taking large sums of money out too? He's putting your family at risk!

If you're serious, tell him he has to change or you will leave. Then DO IT. The worst thing you can do is to "threaten" divorce, then back down from it. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 9

It sounds like your husband is going through something here, not sure what, but it sounds like it. Talk to him about your feelings and how you are concerned about the change in him. See if you can talk him into some counseling to see why he has changed. Give it a chance but if you are still not seeing any change for the good then make your decision. If you are unhappy then the best solution will be to end it but only after giving things a chance and trying to understand what is going on with him.

Answer 10

I think that you need to talk to him. Sit him down at the kitchen table or somewhere else there is little distraction and tell him everything that you just told us. If you have done that already, tell him that "divorce" has crossed your mind. I think that he should be given a bit of a chance to change his ways because he may not notice how bad it has really gotten. If after all that, nothing works, then life is too short to live in an unhappy marriage. Besides, living in a household with fighting parents is horrible for children.