My husband just doesn't get it.?

Question

If I am feeling sad or down and need some compassion or someone just to look me in the eyes and make me feel like he cares, he thinks all I want him to do is fix it. He gets frustrated and doesnt want to deal with it. I am not high maintanence but need someone to just listen and respond once in awhile. Should I focus on dealing with a girlfriend rather than trying to get him to help me feel better about things? Is there any advice on this? Thanks.

He is not a bad person or uncaring in general. Just when it comes to emotions he is so practical. I think many men are the same way. I am VERY emotional and connected with how I feel. He is more anal retentive and detailed oriented rather than emotionally driven. I do love him and he is good to me. Just curious if there were things I could do to help me deal with emotions on my end rather than depending on him to deal with them.

Answer 1

Can you change your ideas about what constitutes 'compassion'? For you, it means 'look me in the eyes and make me feel like you care'. But, he expresses compassion by 'trying to fix your problem'. That is an expression of compassion for him. That is how he tries to help you feel better about things.

Then, go to another friend, if you want to, too, to get the kind of response that you're looking for. Or, take his expression of love and compassion, be grateful for it, then use his support (as he expresses it) to help you find the strength within yourself to feel better.

But, don't feel like he's not compassionate. He's just not expressing compassion in a way that you want him to do it.

Answer 2

That's correct. Men don't get it and neither do women.

Men are action oriented. Flat tires, take out garbage, put a stereo/computer system together. There is a starting point and an end point and it is done, or at least pay someone to do it. Most women cannot articulate their feelings and emotional issues on a piece of paper, then there is no logical, consistent, and repeatable way to act. The more they are under the gun to deal with these problems, the worse it gets so they shy away.

FACT: How many women can claim they train their sons to know the feelings and emotions of females? Surely, mothers must know the importance of such trainig, right? But mothers want their sons to grow up to be men, like 99.999% of them.

Answer 3

Hi,
I'm so sorry, guy's are typically fixers and as such often feel at a loss in situations where simply being there is what's needed. We men often feel inadequate when we don't know what to do so we shut down and take a "tough it out" attitude. Have you talked to him about this? Tell him that when you are down you only want him to hold you and tell you he is there for you. Some guys will go the other way and pry as to what the problem is when all you really want is someone to listen and support you. You might ask him if he minds you discussing problems with girlfriends (you are not asking for permission) this should give him a heads up that one of your needs is not fully being met, might be worth a try. We men try to give the illusion that we can fix anything when in truth we need you to educate us, good men take this constructively and grow more in the relationship because of it.

Steve.

Answer 4

I hear you loud and clear. Many times all we want is a sounding board, not a solution. I find that girlfriends will do the same thing, offer advice when all you want is someone to hear you. I started a diary on my computer at home. I dare not offer to other's ears some of the things I was upset about. Then I began a Bible Study and now feel the actually relaxation by giving my problems to my Father, Jehovah. I actually feel better. There are no recriminations and afterward, my conscience advises me better than any one person could - because I'm not trying to do it alone.

Answer 5

I hate to admit it, but we men are dense sometimes. We are raised believing that we are always supposed to be the knight in shining armor that comes in and rescues the damsel in distress from her dragons. What we don't realize is that sometimes those dragons can be slayed with a simple hug or 5-10 minutes of shutting our mouths and just listening with the television off.

But this is not something we just understand one day. You have to explain it to us in full detail at some point for it to finally sink in. See women and men have different kinds of needs. We truly think in two completely different wave patterns. Women are more emotionally responsive, whereas a man wants it spelled out plain and clear. I suggest sitting your husband down and explaining what you want, and let him know what he is not doing right. Once he understands the rules, I'm quite certain he will get better at the game.

Answer 6

Wow - we must be married to the same guy. I would really sit him down when you aren't needing compassion or support and tell him that you would rather count on him than someone else to give you these things. And let him know a simple hug or a kiss or just a pat on the shoulder is really all you are looking for, just something to let you know he's on your side.

Also let him know you appreciate the advice/fixing but he doesn't have to work that hard.

Answer 7

I do not know how old is your marriage. If you are newly wed then you need to stop and think. Is it that he has something going or is it that all he thinks is about his profession. The second type is not harmful but cant pay the attention that a wife craves; in this case look for love out side. You have to understand that you have to be discreet. You dont hurt his pride and he wont care.
Come to think of it, even if your marriage is old, the recipe would be the same. Wish u all the happiness and best of luck.

Answer 8

Men and women deal with there problems different. While a women just wants someone to pay attention men are more likely to get away and do something with his buddies. I think the key is understanding that sexes deal with life differently. Explain to him how you did hear and go from there. It could be possible he's not the type to sit around and talk about your problems with.

Answer 9

Men and women think differently. Accept it as a scientific fact. In time he may learn; men are slow thinkers and are used to plodding along doing one thing at a time. Women are much more adept at multi-tasking; men aren't. It is a genetic thing; from times gone by when women had to do six things at the same time and all the man did was pull a plow around and around in a circle all day long (boooooooring). Could also explain why women are more excitable and men are unimaginative.

Answer 10

For most men it is in their nature to want to "fix" what is not working. They don't mean it in a demeaning or ugly way they just really don't like to see people they love in a situation that they know is hurting them.

You need to talk to him and prior to what ever conversation that you have when you just need him to listen let him know that first. Perhaps saying something along the lines of "Sweetie I know that you always want what is best for everyone and you never like to see someone hurting but I need you to just listen and hold me so I can feel your support right now."

Men really can not read our minds as we can not read theirs and sometimes, although not all the time, they can just be your strong point in a storm.

Yes, you should lean on your girlfriends for some of the emotional stuff but not exclude your husband.

Women are able to just sympathize and feel emotions for someone else just because they know that the other person needs to get it out. Men are not wired that way in general.

Let him know you need him to just be your strong shoulder to lean on right now and that although you are sure he has many great ideas you just need to vent your frustrations and get it out but don't really need solutions right now.

Communication is key to any relationship.