why do people marry the wrong person...and end up unhappily married?

Question

I use to believe that if it's ment to be it will last but if it's not ment to be it will fall apart? yet acoording to the divorce rate that is just not the case!

I personally don't know any married couples that are happy, my parents have been unhappily married for years, and my sister got married 6 years ago and is very miserable she told me that she loves him but regrets marring him, I just feel so confused, because I love my boyfriend but I am so scared that I won't be happy either, how do I avoid being unhappliy married, How do I know that we'll be happy in the future how do I know if he's the one?

and I don't believe that time will tell b/c my sister and her husband dated 5 years before they got married!

please if you are happliy married tell me why, if you are not tell me what you wish you did differently or what you wish you knew before you got married, or divorced

Answer 1

I am happily married to my best friend and we have been for over 4 years now. We are happy because no matter what...we can tell eachother anything. We canalso fight and forgive, laugh, cry and play together. We have very open lines of communication open and to me he is the hottest guy in the world..

Answer 2

Ok...I am actually seperated from my husband and have been for over a year. The thing I wish I would have done differently is waited to get married...I actually knew I wasn't happy before I got married, so I dont know why I did it. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I was engaged...and you just get so caught up in the moment of having an engagement ring and planning the wedding that you don't have time to think about being happy. I was only 21 when I got married...and now I'm going through a divorce at 24...that looks bad on me, you know. I wish I would have waited until I was older...or at least had our relationship longer. I mean we only dated a few months before we were engaged, but we did get married a year and a half after we had begun dating. So we didn't give each other the amount of time we needed. Also I hadn't even had time to grow up. I was still a child pretty much...I hadn't gone out much, and I needed to let myself have that time. If I would have only waited then I wouldn't be in the predicament I'm in now...divorced at 24. The only good thing is we didn't have any children. But a lot of people do get hurt in these situations.

Answer 3

I know many happy marriages. Truly. And I am happily married myself and have been so for the past 18 years.
But this is my second marriage. The first one failed because my husband was very young and immature (we both were) but he decided he didn't want to play house anymore. He found being a father too stressful, and boring.
You need to be committed to marriage, to your partner and only your partner. There are rules you must stick to - like not having affairs, never lying, never doing anything that could ruin the relationship.
Value your marriage, it is the most important thing in your life. Respect each other, always.
And if you love each other, there's no reason why it shouldn't work. Boredom could set in (that's why it's called the 7-year itch) but if you work to get through that, you can and will make it.
I don't believe marriage should be hard work. I think that at times, it does get stressful. But if you accept that it is for life, and you really don't want to be miserable, then work through the tough times. The good times will follow.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I am happily married. I don't think I can tell you why, but I can guess.

We've had problems just like most people, but the difference may be the mindset. We're not prone to just divorce simply because we're not getting along. We see it this way: we're stuck together for life (and by stuck I do mean in a good way). So we know we can either be unhappy or learn to accept each other's flaws. It helps that both of us know we must meet each other halfway.

There are times when each of us are being selfish. So far it has worked out that we've not both been that way at the same time. Finances have been a big issue lately...sometimes he feels we'll never make it, and I encourage him. Then its the opposite later.

We have an agreement as far as disagreements. We don't subscribe to the "never go to bed angry" bit. But we do agree that no matter what, one of us is going to apologize for the argument. If its an odd day, I apologize; even day, he apologizes. And it isn't saying I'm sorry for being wrong, its being the first one to reach out and say, "I'm sorry we're fighting, but I truly love you and want to make this work." That really does diffuse the situation.

We have also tried the two minute rule, where one of us talks for a full two minutes (uninterupted by the other), then we wait thirty seconds, then the other person replies for a full two minutes. Then we take a break and think about one another's points of view. No yelling.

It isn't that we are perfect individuals and "made for each other," although it does feel that way. It is more that we recognize that we each have faults, and that we have to respect each other if we're going to get along. So - no name calling.

There have been months where we both barely talk or touch. But one of us ultimately decides that we don't want to live like that and generally someone will say, "I don't want to fight any more. We don't agree, but I love you and miss you." Even if we don't like one another we do know we love each other.

I think people who are in an unhappy marriage have one or both of the individuals who is being immature, selfish, practices name-calling, etc. I'm not saying you can control your partner. I'm saying that before you get married, or after if you're willing to both sit down and agree, you should make sure the person you're with is willing to give his/her all to the marriage and not always be right.

Answer 5

If everyone would know the actualoutcome of a certain chance taking, what would the world be like. Not knowing the future was one of Gods greatest gifts to us. Do you actually think God would have created the world if he knew what wed be like in 2007? It wouldnt be living ifwe were afraid to take a chance. Life wasnt designed that way and jut because it happened to your parents or sister, doesnt mean itll happen to you. There is always exceptions to every challenge and you could just be that exception but if you dont take a chance youll never know. We all are born with the ability to take a chance, deal with the outcome and move on to another one. Take the chance, you never know. By the way I did and after 27 years of marriage, 2 adult daughters, 1 son-in-law and the greatest 17 month old grandson, Id never change one thing about those 27 years, and I still couldnt be happier. Good luck

Answer 6

I am happily married. We have been married for 7 years and together for 17 (we met when we were 15 & 16). We got married for the right reasons, we were best friends, we loved each other deeply, we trusted each other implicitly and could not imagine our futures without each other. Marriage is not easy. We have had our very hard times but we worked very hard and got through them. There has to be a commitment there that says you are in it for the long haul and not just until things get hard or boring. Love is unconditional. Love is a verb which means you have to do things to love someone. Each day is an opportunity to show your mate just how much you love him and how much he means to you. Sometimes that means I will endure Sportscenter for the 100th time in one day, sometimes it means I will rub his feet after a long day without being asked to, sometimes it means I will make his favorite meal...the point is to be considerate and loving every day. You can't get caught up the routines and forget the romance. It's been 17 years and one look from him still makes me weak at the knees.

I wish that someone would have told me what is involved in marriage before we got married. I don't think I really had an understanding of the vows and how to translate those vows into every day life. It took me nearly losing my marriage to understand how to make it work. I had read all kinds of "how to" books about decorating our home, pregnancy, parenting, gardening, cooking but not once had I ever considered that I might need to know how to make a marriage happy or how to be a wife. I read a book called The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and it really helped me understand how to communicate with my husband.

Answer 7

My first marriage i was very unhappily married. We got married when I got pregnant because we thought it was the "right thing". I tried to make it work for 12 years. i finally couldnt do it anymore. I remarried 3 years ago and am happily married. My husband treats me with respect, gives me attention, compromises and is faithful.. All the things my first husband was not. I think that if you are getting all of the things out of the relationship that you are looking for and the guy that you are with makes you happy now, there is hope for the relationship. You cant just get married and expect everything to be perfect. Marriage has its flaws and you always need to work on it. Share your concerns with your boyfriend and see how he feels about it. That will tell you alot if he understands how you are feeling and is reassuring to you.

Answer 8

I've been on both sides of this fence. My first marraige was a disaster. As I look back - I was really a "needy" type of person - just hoping someone would just want to marry me. Well someone did - although I regret that first marriage I am very thankful for my three children who were results of it. They are awesome! My first husband was selfish and thoughtless towards anything and everything else other than himself. I finally just kicked him out and raised the kids by myself. Through that ugly experience I learned to stand up for myself and respect myself as well. After a few years of getting my head on straight I met my second husband. He moved in with me and the kids and our relationship was somewhere between lovers and best friends. He ended up taking a job out of state and me and the kids stayed behind. It was a difficult decision to make - but I wasn't uprooting anyone without a committment from him and he wasn't ready for that. We remainded best friends. Five years later he moved back and we got married. We had 10 wonderful years together - deeply in love before he passed away at the age of 45 while waiting for a heart transplant. That was over two years ago. So my friend - there are never any promises in life - and sometimes we all need to take risks in order to gain what is important to us. That is plain is simple called "having faith and trust". Marriage isn't just a la-de-da happily ever-after adventure. It takes a lot of hard work - and lots of give and take. But all in all very much worth the effort for a tender heart!

Answer 9

I am happily married to a woman I have been with for 10 years. The array of things that make our marriage successful is too large and complex for me to list or explain here, but I'll touch on a few things.

First off, we're highly compatable. This in itself is probably the most important thing. I went through probably 30 women before finding one that had the balance of character and personality that I felt a life-long partner needed (which I did find one time before, but in the long run, I wasn't what she was looking for). We were both under no illusions about what we wanted out of a relationship from the very beginning.

As far as what makes our marriage successful as an ongoing thing - we communicate early, and we communicate often. If one of us starts to feel the relationship is beginning to lack in some way, the other person will soon know about it, and we make earnest attempts to correct the problem. Also, both of us know when to pick our battles. We will both let the little things slide, which is something that will avoid a lot of the tension I see in a lot of other marriages, they way people bicker and have power struggles over the most insignificant things.

Answer 10

Think about how you feel when you buy a new product (such as a car or computer). Your really excited about it, appreciate it, and generally take good care of it. Over time however, while you still like it, but start taking it more for granted. The same is true for marriage.

In early love and dating you are really excited with your new relationship, and are infatuated with the person. Therefor you are on your best behavior. Your the most loving/romantic & sexual, very forgiving of annoyances, very appreciative of the other persons good qualities, and putting the most effort into pleasing the other person, and very aware that you could lose them.

Over time however the romance naturally dies down a little due to life (having kids, stressful jobs etc) and you are also less excited because it's no longer so new.
Both men and women tend to cease much of the "courting" behaviors that make them so attractive at the start and take the other for granted.. a common complaint for men is that they stop doing the romantic things they do when dating (buying flowers, paying attention etc) - and women also tend to be less interested in sex over time as well as less appreciative.
This taking each other for granted cycle continues, with the man or women feeling their needs not being met, and they respond but not meeting the other persons needs.
People tend to become more critical, in that you start comparing your spouse to other "ideal" people or qualities you think they should be having.

Our society of course does not make staying in a marriage easy, as everything is about immediate gratification - in in the above case the spouses are not being gratifying so naturally many people choose to leave each other.

So, my advice to you is to realize this cycle will likely happen to you at one point or another in the marriage. It's easy to say it will never happen when you are in the passionate start of your relationship, and it's easy to say you will always be committed. But it's not so easy to be committed when the other person is acting less committed.

Answer 11

I am happily married for 7 years. I think the key to a happy marriage is understanding that it is not fate that brought you together. It is a choice to marry somebody. And fate will not keep you together. What keeps you together is a mutual understanding that marriage is sometimes hard work and it takes 2 people to work it out and keep the marriage going. It is way more than love. Of course 7 years is not that long and I do not profess to be an expert. I will learn as I go.

**I also want to add that I agree with everything the guy above me said.**