We share a very special bond, niether of us have has something so special before. I've had another best friend for 10 years, but this friendship is different. I helped her open up as a person, find self worth, and accept love and give love. We were nearly inseparable, and when we weren't together, she was always texting me and calling numerous times a day for random comments or just becasue. She was the one who initiated almost everything we did. She had a boyfriend during this time but it was long distance. Still i understood when she needed to spent time on the phone with him or go visit him. Her present boyfriend treats her better. Now she barely texts me or calls me. She works everyday and spends all her free time with him. She's told me i know her better than anyone else has or does,now she doesn't seem to need me. We are 22 I have tons of hobbies & other friends. But i feel miserable, i still need her. I've told her this, & she's tried a little. what else can i do. I miss us.
2007-05-22 01:41:46 · 12 answers · asked by maddie 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
Hi sweetie,
This is a difficult situation for both of you and both of you need to compromise.
However, unfortunately it's you that needs to do most of the compromising. She needs to make an effort to see you, but you have to accept that it can't be like it was. Unfortunately the more you make a big deal out of something or force someone to do something, the less they'll want to do it. If you mope to your friend that she doesn't have time for you, texting you will feel like a 'duty' rather than something she wants to do. And I know you don't want that. It was good to tell her how you feel, definitely, but now that it's out there you don't need to say it again. Instead, you need to look at your own life and concentrate on making yourself happy. You haven't lost your best friend.
Look at it this way - at least she now has a boyfriend who will take care of her and treats her well. This is the only reason she is withdrawing a little - she is wrapped up in the bubble of love.
She most likely is so secure in your friendship that she doesn't feel the need to text you every day. She thinks that you will always be there for her.
As you are both 22 have other things changed recently? Have you both just left uni and she's just started work? Or is it simply the new boyfriend coming on the scene that's changed things?
It could also be that at 22, now that as you say she's grown as a person and feels more secure in herself, she is less dependant on your friendship than she was before. This is not a bad thing, but I think you miss feeling needed as well as simply missing the friendship. I know how that feels. Just remember that even though your friendship is changing, it doesn't mean it is fading.
Speaking from your best friend's perspective, I have a boyfriend and I must admit that I do neglect my friends and family a little when I'm with him. I'm so busy with work and then when I get home i'm so pleased to just be spending time with him that i don't text my friends every day. But my best friend also has a boyfriend and she is exactly the same way as I am. We've all agreed that instead of feeling guilty about not texting every day, why don't we accept that we have a strong enough friendship to not speak for a week or even a few weeks, but still be as strong as ever. Since we've acknowledged that, we are much happier and we are still the best of friends.
Do you have a boyfriend? I think perhaps if you did you might be able to understand that she doesn't mean to forget you - she's just trying to fit everything in and she's also growing up.
It sounds to me that she still loves you to bits and she values your friendship just as much as she does. As a true friend, you need to let her know that you'll always be there for her. She's tried to make more effort since you've spoken to her, and that's a great sign - but at the same time you also have to accept the change and let her do what she needs to do without worrying that you will 'fall out' with her if she doesn't text you.
Do you live near each other? Can you arrange to have a day once every two weeks or even once a month where you see each other? When you're working and in a relationship it's very easy to take friends for granted and forget to call them or see them - so having a regular day together would mean that she doesn't forget about you and still makes an effort.
Have you met her boyfriend? My best friend gets very lonely on her own - she is terrible at amusing herself and hates being on her own - so when my boyfriend comes to see me (we live long distance) I invite her out with us. We have a great time and they really like each other, and it also means that she doesn't feel bad when I'm with him because she's knows he's a really nice guy and that he takes care of me. My best friend says she loves coming out with us! We are not lovey dovey in front of her, because we don't want her to feel left out and no-one wants to see that! Perhaps the three of you can go out together now and again?
Don't put too much pressure on her as she is trying her best to juggle everything, but at the same time don't let her take you for granted. I'm not sure how often she texts you now but I would think once or twice a week is enough for most people. Tell her you miss her but don't guilt trip her. You've helped her to become the woman she is, and she's not about to forget that or throw your friendship away, so let her fly and live her life and keep living your own - the two of you will meet in the middle.
There's a Latin phrase "Vita mutatur, non tollitur" which means "life is changed, not taken away" and I strongly believe this. We all grow and change, and things become different, but if we adapt with them, we will not lose anything.
xx Emmie
2007-05-22 03:34:31 · answer #1 · answered by Sparklepop 6 · 20⤊ 3⤋
Its difficult because to a certain degree all your good help has been your undoing. You've helped effectively 'fix her'. Relationships are ever changing and the good ones will weather these storms. Basically you are feeling that you have lost a big part of your life and resisting the change. There are a couple of issues with this. The first is, the more someone feels obliged to have to do something, is when they are probably least inclined. If you were to get really busy with another friend, or book yourself up some other activities and try and text someone else in place of your friend - human psychology might determine that she'll come running, as if she feels like she is losing you - she'll kick back in to your friendship. Try and be happy for her as well. Its nice that finally she has stopped being so dependent on you and that she has other things in her life. She still does care about you and want you in her life and that is what really counts. Good luck!
2007-05-22 01:51:52 · answer #2 · answered by Confused 1 · 2⤊ 1⤋
I know its hard but you need to go out with your other friends so that when you talk to her you have something to talk about and not just listen to her go on about her boyfriend. It'll take your mind off of her as well. If you keep telling her you miss her you need her and stuff, she'll feel suffocated and push you away even more.
It won't be the same as it used to be because she has a boyfriend now, it's not that she doesn't have time for you, but she's getting to know him. Keep in touch and let her know you're there for her, like always.
2007-05-22 01:57:46 · answer #3 · answered by Libby F 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is an unwritten rule between friends that you always give them the space they need to be with their new love and I understand that you miss her terribly but she is happy and I think if you put too much stress on her, she will stop contact altogether. Just try and meet up with her and tell her how you feel and that you would appreciate some more time with her but try to sound lighthearted. She is just getting over the first rush of love for him and her work is just something she has to do. Give her time, she will begin to make time for others in her life, once she has got a routine going with her boyfriend.
2007-05-22 01:53:18 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Sometimes we just grow apart. While hearing that hurts, it doesn't mean it is the end of your friendship. It just means that it has changed and that you aren't going to be as close as before.. Growing up takes it's tole on friendships even as close a friendship as you have shared.. There are the extra demands of adulthood that you now have to deal with and her not texting or calling as often doesn't mean she doesn't care or need you anymore it just means that her life's demands have changed.. Give it time, don't lose heart. Things may never get back to where they used to be, but they can get better if you just keep in contact with her and don't make her feel guilty for not having as much time as she used to.. Good luck and God Bless..
2007-05-22 02:09:12 · answer #5 · answered by brunette_godiva 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
ok you do sound very young
this is what happens when people grow up and meet partners they want to spend their life with.
i am afriad that friends do get relagated
family, kids, partners, husbunds ,wifes
do and should have priority over friends.
if you really value this frienship, let her spread the wings you helped her find.
and if you do love a person in what ever way you will have to let it go one way or the other.
dont stifle, cling, or whinge about not seeing her,
show how pleased you are for her
and find your self a partner too.
or if thats not your thing
find some thing else to fill your time
your friend must live her life as she sees fit
and you can as a freind advise, but a lot of friendship is about biting your tounge, and being there to pick up the pieces.
i have known my best frien over 30 years now, we are still close, but not as close as we were 30 years ago, as she has kids, etc
let your friend make her mistakes, dont make her feel bad, and she will always rely on your friendship.
2007-05-22 04:08:38 · answer #6 · answered by NETTY J 3 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Life moves on for all of us..needs change and we drift apart. That is how life works. There is no way anyone is going to spend that kind of time with a "friend" when they have a lover...it just doesn't work. You have a warped idea of what a friend is...a friend is not a sexless lover. Perhaps you need to take more time to develop your own love life...that will solve the problem entirely.
2007-05-22 01:47:15 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 4⤋
tell her how you feel
you have to compromise as she's in a relationship
2007-05-22 05:15:18 · answer #8 · answered by ~*tigger*~ ** 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wait it out.But keep on with your life and try not to be codependent.
2007-05-22 01:45:41 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 6⤊ 2⤋
You are secretly jealous that she has a boyfriend. You need to find a boyfriend, too. Think about it. If you had a boyfriend to spend your free time with you wouldn't care at all that she isn't texting you. Right? Be happy for her that she has a nice boyfriend. You get out there and find a nice boyfriend for yourself, too. Good luck, Sweetie.
2007-05-22 01:51:23 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 5⤊ 12⤋