My ex husband raped me and we had a short but horrible marriage. We share a teenage son but these incidences were left in silence. I never confronted him about those years.
I have been remarried for 12 years now. My now hubby of 12 years knew about my past from the start. (We were friends for about 6 months before we started dating). My new marriage has had ups and downs and we have a 7 year old.
Sex has always been a sensitive subject with me my whole life but after my ex and I split, sex lost its luster although I still enjoyed it on occasion.
Now after my son was born and I have since hit 30, I have lost 95% of my libio.
My husband is reminding me on a consistant basis that I need to get over what my ex did to me. Reminding me that he is not the one who did those things to me. Why does he have to feel like the one who raped me.
2007-05-22 01:24:59 · 28 answers · asked by me 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He's paying for another man's crime! Stop looking at him as the one that did it. He deserves better!
2007-05-22 01:28:33 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 3⤋
I was raped (by my BROTHER!) many years ago, and in my case, I never "got over it". I also never confronted him about it, and was always rather nervous in his company afterward. My attitude to sex also changed, and I had problems for years. There was some part of me that blamed myself for it happening as well. It was only years later, when I finally underwent therapy that I managed to "get through it". Even now though, almost 40 years later, it is still there, in the back of my mind.I would suggest that if you haven't already, you should try going for therapy, as I feel this is the only thing that helped me live a normal life. I know not everyone is the same, but I can tell you that had it not been for therapy, and a caring husband, my marriage would have been over years ago, and would certainly not have lasted for the 25 years that it has. . Something else that did help a lot also, was talking about it to a trusted friend.Perhaps you have a friend who will be willing to let you talk about it, and get rid of all the negative feelings you have about it. Sometimes just getting the load off our shoulders helps a bunch.Good luck with getting through this, I know how hard it is.
2007-05-22 06:07:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
anything can be "gotten over", and for your and your family's mental health and well being, it should be at the top of your priority list, especially given it was 12 years ago.
If you haven't ever seen a licensed psychotherapist, start immediately. If you have in the past, start again. If you've had a bad experience with one, find another. There are ones who specialize in rape. Not to be offensive to anyone, but since your case is serious, only consider therapists with a PHD, as they have many more hours of experience to draw from than those with Masters.
If you never confronted your ex, then you didn't allow yourself to process your emotions, which means they've been bottled inside you all this time, building up. It creates a very unhealthy mental state. Your new husband is very brave to have stood by you this entire time, but everyone has a breaking point, epecially if the person who needs help isn't seeking it.
You owe it to yourself first and foremost, but also to your husband, and your children (who will suffer greatly from a 2nd divorce) to get the help you need to get over this and you should look for that help this very moment.
2007-05-22 01:36:12 · answer #3 · answered by whiskeyman510 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Your husband doesnt feel like the one who did it but is feeling the residue from it and is tired of it and wants to help you move on. He feels as if the rape still has a deep hold on you and would like to see it go away. A crime against our body just doesnt disappear but instead we must come to terms with it, deal with it and move on. Life wont wait til you get over it . Your past is now affecting your current marriage. Itsnot the crime itself but the after effects that affects our lives the most and this is what is happening here. Hes reminding you because youre probably indirectly reminding him of it. Professional help can help you deal with all these deep resentments so you can move beyond this and start really enjoying life again and get your marriage back on the right track. Dont let your ex keep on getting the satisfaction that he hurt you forever. Good luck
2007-05-22 01:46:10 · answer #4 · answered by Arthur W 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋
He knows who he was marrying...its like marrying a war vet and being frustrated that he wakes up in the middle of the night screaming because he had a bad dream. He should expect that your sensative about sex. Loosing your sex drive is a problem. Seeing a sex consoulor or even a regular therapist will help the situation. Many women who have been raped never get over it. Seeing a therapist DOES help. Its hard at first but it does get easier to talk to them. Open up as if it was a diary.
2007-05-22 01:30:23 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
It's not something you just "get over." Especially given the relationship you had with your rapist. This wasn't just some random act of violence, this was an act of violence from someone that vowed to love and honor you forever. What he did wasn't just physical, it was emotional rape as well. Your husband is right on some level, you have to remind yourself the he wasn't the one that hurt you. I know people say this all the time, but I really believe you need counseling to help you cope. They really can help you put things into perspective. You lost a lot the day your ex did that to you, but you can not let him take the rest of your life with that act. You deserve to have as normal a sex life that's possible and so does your current husband. Get counseling for you and take care of you, and I bet the rest will fall into place. You matter. You deserve to be happy in all aspects of your life, but you are the one that will have to work to achieve it. But the work will be so worth it.
2007-05-22 01:39:51 · answer #6 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I don't think it's something you "get over" you can move on and choose for it not to control your life
but it will always be there in the back of your mind
I was raped when I was 12, I will never be the same as I was.
but sex is enjoyable. I think you have to come to terms with what happened
That part of your life is over now
and your husband should not have to pay for the sins of another
I don't know your circumstances, but you need to heal
Have you tried talking to someone else besides your husband about this.
Someone from church or temple or maybe a Dr.
Sometimes it just takes someone else to listen and give us a different perspective for things to become clear
Good luck to you
Take care
2007-05-22 01:35:32 · answer #7 · answered by Andrea / Princess Bitchalot 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
if you never did go to counseling for the rape than you need to go, I myself have never been through this and I am sorry that you had to endure such a horrible thing especially by someone you loved and thought loved you. Go seek therapy and maybe after you have gone for a month or so you could invite him to join you so maybe he can better understand the pain and fear you are and have been living with..Trust has got to be a very hard thing for you but you can get past this with help...as far as the sex drive I'm not saying that what happened to you doesn't play a part in it however I know mine has gone to the wayside and I am 35 with 3 kids...try not to worry so much it sounds like you have a great man by your side....
Take care of your self, I hope everything works out for you...
2007-05-22 02:12:09 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to let go of the past. That can be very difficult, I know. My husband raped me once, during our early years of marriage. Those years were tough, but we made it through, and are still married today. A good marriage counselor can work wonders, and you need rape counseling. You can get over it, it is possible to let it go. Stop punishing your husband and yourself! 30 is young enough that you should be enjoying a zesty sex life! Sex can be a very rewarding enterprise, if you will let go of the negative feelings you have associated with it.
Also, if you have given birth recently, (within the last one or two years) your drop in libido could be hormonal. If you find that counseling doesn't help, talk to your OB.
2007-05-22 03:28:50 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Speaking from experience, it's not something that you easily get over. However, I suggest you go into therapy. There is a lot of emotional/mental scars that rape leaves on you. The only way to get pass them is to talk to a professional, someone who can understand a bit about the scars that you have. Your husband cannot understand b/c it has never happened to him. Good luck with everything!
2007-05-22 01:29:41 · answer #10 · answered by Caribbean Belle 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't be ashamed of your grief. What your ex did is very traumatic. However, you will never heal or grow without the help of an outside party. Seek the help of a professional and work through your issues. You might want to invite your spouse once you feel comfortable, so the therapist can inform him that is is not something you will ever "get over", but you can move past it and not give the abuser the power to control you.
2007-05-22 02:02:15 · answer #11 · answered by mom of two 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋