Rate my poem (and how can i improve it?)?

Question

The Room in My Mind
By Drew Teter

There is a room inside my mind
Into which I never creep
For inside that room are many things
That haunt me when I sleep

There is a room inside my mind
Holding memories Depressing and Deep
There is a room inside my mind
Into which I dare not creep

In this room inside my mind
Into which I need not creep
Are my memories of you
And I’ll drown if I go to deep

I am in this room of mine
And I fear I’ve gone too deep
And now I’ll never be free of you
If only I’d never dared to creep

Answer 1

With the heavy "eep" rhyming form, your poem wants to be heavily metered, so that ONLY the words are the little rocks over which our stream of conciousness splashes.

In my opinion, you should brutally edit this poem until it is forced into a metric straightjacket. Every deviance from something that flows off the tongue will attract attention, and you, as the poem, need to focus the attention on your message, not the poem itself.

Whatever form you want to be using, 8-8-8-8, 8-6-8-6, find it and stay with it. With the form fixed, you can amp up the words and force you message into your reader's brains.

Answer 2

"Holding memories Depressing and Deep"

This line has a few two many syllables to slide nicely off the tongue, and "Depressing" and "Deep" need not be capitalized, unless you have a reason for doing so.

"And now I’ll never be free of you
If only I’d never dared to creep"

You may want to consider adding a semicolon at the end of the first line.

Otherwise, very nice poem.

Answer 3

I don`t rate this poem. To improve it, would be to change it beyond recognition. Start again but go somewhere with it. The room in side your mind is boring to everyone apart from you at the moment. Put some substance and feeling into your work. Why not explore the deep memories you mention. Or just write something inspiring, we all can relate to. All you have at the moment is a collection of words.

Answer 4

Either less repetition or shortening of the poem would be useful. The dare-not became an oops-I-did-it; a bit abrupt, I think. Also, the repetitiveness lends itself to a sort of obsessiveness or madness more that what you seem to have presented as worry. And what's up with the life and death scenario? How old are you, Poet?

Answer 5

There is a room inside my mind
into which I dare not go
opening the door to that room revels many things
that haunt me.

That room inside my mind
which holds memories so depressing and so deep
a room I fear to enter while asleep

This room in my mind into which I often go
are my memories of you
The memories cause me to feel like I'm drowing
if I go to sleep

I am in this room of mine
and I fear I have gone too deep
and now I'll never be free of you
because I should have locked the door,
thrown away the key and dream of what used to be

Answer 6

And I'll drown if I go "to" deep
change to
And I'll drown if I go "too" deep

only error I found, excellent grammar. like the others said, its very repetitive, but if thats what you're going for, then tighten it up a little. BUT overall it's a really great poem, you have a lot of talent and potential. 9 out of 10
ps I also see no reason to capitalize depressing and deep, they are emphasized well enough without that, thats just my personal opinion.

Answer 7

This is not to be mean I promise. Okay, I honestly would rewrite it. You only use the same words over and over. The idea of the poem is good, and I am getting a sense of the emotion you are trying to portray, but your word choice is terrible. Its good to have a rhyme scheme, but you need to vary your words so that it doesnt sound so repetative. If you work on it, I know it can be great! =)

Answer 8

Yes, repetition is an issue. The deeper issue is that there is an emotional issue you are not drilling down into. If you were drilling down into the hurt, the fear, all of the feelings about this relationship, you would not be repeating yourself. Instead, you would be having more things to say. So I don't criticize you for repeating yourself because you lack, I think you are repeating yourself because it is too hard for you to go down one more level and say what more you feel.

Go there. Say it. Spit it out. Be done with it. Move on.

You'll feel better for it.

Answer 9

Wonderfully done. If it feels unfinished or unpolished to you then keep at it. Saying it out loud to yourself will usually help you with the rhythm it evokes. Use a thesaurus if you need to come up with similar words while still keeping the meaning there. But once again, great job.

Answer 10

Confusing(no flow) Dull(needs some descriptive words). Two much of the rhyme eep. The last stanza could be eep rhymes but the other lines should complete the flow with added description.

Only one persons opinion.