my husband has become very close w/ a woman who used to work with him. She's also married. It started w/ them hanging out in groups (mostly going out to the bar)with the other people from work. Then, gradually it became JUST them..meeting for "happy hour" at like 2:30pm & returning at 2:30AM or once even 3:30AM! (12+hrs together at a time!)Meeting at least once or twice a week. The breaking point for me was when she bought concert tickets for just the two of them to see a concert a few months back. Not wanting to be controling, I didn't say he could not go..but I made it VERY clear that I was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE w/ it & I asked him to respect my feelings & pass it up. To my dismay he went to the concert. On his cell bill he had 1,300 texts to her in one month! They both swear theyre just best friends though he admitted to having some feelings for her. Finally given the ultimatum of "its her or me" he said he won't give her up because id be controling him. Any chance hes not cheating?
2007-05-21 15:00:31 · 62 answers · asked by melissadh123 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
My husband does not invite me out with them when they go out anymore...since they started hanging out a lot. Not that I didn't try just hanging with them! We are now seperated over it and I am trying to decide if I should be trying to work on our marriage or if I'm just being stupid. Please leave any advice you have.Thanks!
2007-05-21 15:03:02 · update #1
u must be on meds cause u've been thrown under the bus without knowing
go check in with doc for a S T D test
2007-05-21 15:05:54 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
No, there's no chance he's not cheating. You were more than generous giving him the benefit of the doubt. Then when you asked him to choose, he chose her.
That's an answer.
You've got the answer but you're still in denial and actually asking yourself what you can do. You've done a lot. If this guy is not willing to even entertain the thought of giving up his mistress, you can call a marital therapist and make an appointment for one or the both of you - at least one of you will be showing up.
Tell your husband that come hell or high water, he is going to marital counseling with you and he will explain to a third party who is educated in these matters what his reasoning is for maintaining this partner outside of marriage. Make sure you bring some notes documenting what has gone on. You don't want to get bogged down in quibbling; you can hand the list to the therapist or send it to her/him ahead of time.
You don't want to waste time - this is likely to be the one only and last visit you two will make to this kind of appointment. He will either have to commit to going forward working on your marriage by being faithful or just reveal himself for the jackass that he is.
I'm guessing the latter but you never know.
And you will have done the final thing that shows you've done just about everything there is to do. Then your next appointment is to see a lawyer. Keep the therapist to help you through the divorce.
By the way, when you make the appointment, you tell him that if he doesn't go, the marriage is over and he can just say good by. Should he move out? Consult a lawyer about that. I predict that your husband is going to say that he doesn't have time for marital counseling. He will make up anything - or perhaps it will be true - say that he has a business trip then. For any number of reasons, he will say he can't do it.
That's too bad. He can tell his boss he has a family crisis and needs that time. He will yell at you or lecture you that you are too controlling. Ignore his attempts to argue with you. Tell him it's not a matter for discussion - he either goes or the marriage is over. Be prepared. Be prepared for your marriage to be over. But then here's a small comfort: you will know that it already is and now you have proof.
2007-05-28 08:21:28 · answer #2 · answered by kathyw 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Anything is possible - including "just friends" - but do you really want to be on the back burner all of the time? Regardless of whether or not the relationship between your husband & this woman fits any of the traditional definitions of cheating, the time your husband spends with her is time he should be spending with you. YOU are his wife; he should consider YOU his best friend & the love of his life. He should not only respect your feelings - i.e., refrain from going to the concert & spending so much time with the woman - but also give you the attention & devotion he gives her. Your ultimatum is not about your need to control him; it's about your need for his respect. Thus far, he has not respected your feelings, and, if he's going to take such a blindly arrogant stance on the issue, I'm sorry to say that you're probably better off without him.
2007-05-21 15:16:00 · answer #3 · answered by utpyrobabe 1 · 3⤊ 1⤋
I am really sorry for your situation!! It seems that he had chosen to be with her. When things like this happen, there is no much we can do.
1.300 texts in a month!! I am a very passionate person, but even being madly in love and having never had 1.300 texts a month... 12 hrs... best friends... bla bla.... where are you in that story? where is her husband? WTF?^%#$^&*
I haven't read what other people have told you, but I think that you are being very patient with him and tolerate way too much.
If there is no sex in your marriage, no time together, no laugh together etc, not much is left. I am sorry if I sound negative, but if "her or me" didn't work, I don't see what else he may tell you to get the clear picture.
Screw him and move on! What ever you decide - good luck girl!
2007-05-29 13:13:43 · answer #4 · answered by ♪ ♥ alma ♥ ♪ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Well, you're not being "stupid". This is a big deal. Something like this would put a damper on anyone's marriage. He is your husband & you are his wife, and the two of you make one. I don't know how old he is, but it sounds like he is acting like a teenage boy with raging testosterone. He's admitted to you that he had feelings for her?!! That is a huge slap in the face. The fact that you told him you din't feel comfortable of him going to the concert, shows you he could care less about your feels as HIS WIFE.
To be honest with you it sounds like he's not ready to settle down. If I were you I would definately get a copy of that phone bill to put divorce files.
Think of it this way...If they are just friends & he isn't cheating, wouldn't you think you would be invited whenever they went somewhere? To me, it sounds like you're the joke of the party when they are out together. I am not trying to be mean, but it's the truth.
I would definately look into getting a divorce. If everything you have said is true...Divorce is you're answer. Some may disagree, but I am kinda old fashioned & I belive the husband & wife need to talk about everything & be considerate of each others feelings in order to have a good foundation in the marriage. From the sound of it, you're foundation is definately crumbling. We will keep you in our prayers & wish you the best of luck...Don't wait around too long to file. God bless you sweetheart.
2007-05-29 08:59:51 · answer #5 · answered by lilzoo411@yahoo.com 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That's really ridiculous,i mean the hours he's spending with her.IF they were "just friends" they should have no problem including you in their activities.This woman is married you say? Why can't your husband have a double date with his "bff's" husband.It DOES make sense.NOw the 1300 texts is just down right madness!!!What is he saying to his bff that he can't say out loud.If it was just a friendship goin on he probably wouldn't mind just talkin to her outloud,i feel that text messages are for when ur trying to have a private conversation but ur in the room with peeple u don't want to over hear you.Why did they have to leave the group?? With a group there really is no chance of funny buisness going on.With groups it feels like it's just friends gathering for a drink after work.But when you migrate to the whole "alone" thing it makes their friendship seen more intimate maybe beyond friends.If he really has nothing to hide he should INVITE you on his outtings!If you think that would be a bit awkward maybe this other chick should bring her "hubby" along.Well I wish you the best in your marriage.
2007-05-29 12:41:23 · answer #6 · answered by chicadee13 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
honey don't be foolish and try to blind yourself to the fact that these two have something going on. How do you know if she really is married ? If she is... talk to her husband. Tell him all the things you have written here. File for divorce and don't you dare forget alimony and child support. Let's see if her company will be worth it then. Do your homework. Find out if where he's living, is she staying there also (Adultery). Ask him does he want your marriage to continue. If he say no ( abandonment ) you can see if , in your state, she could be charged with Abandonment of affection. Irreconcilable differences. these are all the charges I can think of. She won't be going to any concerts or 12 hour bars. disrespectful floozy.
2007-05-27 20:01:20 · answer #7 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Honey, it seems very clear that IF he isn't already cheating on you with this woman that he will be soon. Personally, I'd be uncomfortable with them spending so much time together as well. It does seem a little excessive. How does her husband feel about all of this? That's kinda strange that he too hasn't given an ultimatum, or perhaps he has and that is why your husband refuses to let her go and respect your wishes. best of luck!
2007-05-21 15:06:24 · answer #8 · answered by lilbeamlover 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Wow...Weather or not their is anything sexual going on between them(It's Likely) he's a BIG TIME CHEATER.
You're not controlling... He committed to the Vows didn't he?
He stood up and took you as his Wife...in front of you're family and his?
Check the Wedding Pics for crossed fingers and a shot gun...LOL
He's violated your trust and the sanctity of the marriage by putting another woman first.
tough part is, it sounds like you still love him...
At this point the reality is unless he's willing to adios the floozy (100%), he's done.... Take it all sweetheart!
I would also let her hubby know...it's the least you can do....LOL Oh and a trip to Vegas is in order!
I would also like to recommend Two Men & A Truck.
Sorry to be so Flip but keep your attituted up and Move on...
God Bless.
2007-05-29 10:10:38 · answer #9 · answered by patriot_corps 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think your overreacting, or even being paranoid, this is a very drastic change in behavior. I mean how many female friends does your husband have that he spends this much time with? Not to mention that he chose her over your marriage. If your instincts tell you that he is cheating your probably right.
However this doesn't mean that the relationship has to be over, alot of people recover from infidelty and so can you. It really depends on what your spouse is willing to commit to in order to continue to maintain the marriage. Maybe try counseling, but if he continues to refuse to stop seeing this woman, you definately have a problem, it will only work if both of you are willing to work at it...and you have to stand firm in your beliefs, and with how you feel. You shouldn't have to compromise in this situation, and if he can't stop seeing her then maybe it is time for you to leave. I know it's not easy, but I think alot of women tend to be too accomodating ( including myself) and compromise to make our spouses happy. You deserve better than this...stand your ground, because your worth it, and if he can't respect your feelings, then I would say you know where you stand...how you choose to handle it,no one can really say, you are the one invested emotionally and only you know what you can and can't handle. Not many women would have been as understanding and patient as you have been, now it's time for him to do the same...and he will if he truly wants to be with you, and you'll know it, if you don't already know.
2007-05-29 09:22:38 · answer #10 · answered by darknangelic77 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
He is having an emotional affair, if not a physical one. His behavior is not appropriate, and he is being disrespectful to your feelings. I think you have very good reason to suspect something and if he can't see that, he is crazy. I personally don't think a married person should ever go out alone with a person of the opposite sex, that's just asking for trouble. He is very tangled up with this woman for some reason, he may not actually be cheating, but this woman is definitely more than a friend to him. Whatever the situation may be, you should be his number one concern and if he admitted having feelings for her, he needs to stay away! I can't believe he doesn't understand how you feel, I kinda wanna slap him right now. I'm sorry I can't help you anymore, but I can tell you you are completely justified in feeling this way. I hope he comes to his senses and cuts this woman out of his life.
2007-05-21 15:10:01 · answer #11 · answered by melissa 5 · 4⤊ 1⤋