Do you like this POEM?

Question

(it doesn't have a title yet)

Begging, begging.
Only anguish she feels.
Only wishing to somehow heal.
A knife stuck in her back,
the only thing she sees is black.
Beseeching to just die,
to be able to say good-bye.
Her body madly shakes,
in her, thunders a mad earthquake.

Cry out, cry out.
Regret is all she gains,
feeling nothing but awful pains.
No more can she take it,
suicide she just might commit.
Feeling like giving up,
but she won't quit in that dump.
She looks badly careworn,
just wishing she was never born.

Do it, do it.
Repeating those words,
she knows its truly absurd.
She stares down at the gun,
wishing this could all be done.
She doesn't want to wait,
or manage to contemplate.
She pulls the black trigger,
ending all of her anger.
******************************...

(it might sound better if you read it out loud... idk)

so what do you think of it? I'm 14 years old. Does it flow well?

thank you!

Answer 1

I really like this. I think it's really well done, especially considering you're 14. I think you should keep writing and see what you can do with it, if you enjoy writing that is.

It's dark, yes, but for anybody who's ever been in a dark place, you understand the feelings, the meanings behind it all... and it touches you, whether you want it to or not...it's like you're drawn into it. I've been there many times myself, as has my husband and I can tell you, you did a wonderful job on this.

Answer 2

It's really dark...a bit too dark for my tastes, but it does take a lot of depth to be able to write something like that!
I feel like trying to rhyme is messing up the flow of your poem. For example, "suicide she just might commit" or "in her, thunders a mad earthquake" sounds fine if you're, ya know, in the 1400s, but it just sounds awkward thrown in like that.
On the other foot, I do like the structure, how you have a few small syllables at the beginning of each stanza. It's great, overall, considering you're only 14!

Answer 3

As a person that has been in that state of mind. I must say that all the elements are true in that which you speak. All the feeling and the emotion is true, and you my friend have nailed the intensity and the emotion.

I liked it. But brought back old memories

Answer 4

I think its a really dark but deep poem. The feelings evoked are very impressive. Good choice of words.

Answer 5

The flow is horrible. The poem is quite unstructured. 5/10

Answer 6

deep, dark...great two thumps up

Answer 7

no ur crazy u crazy sob