I feel like things are never going to work out?

Question

I went to see my Mom who was in the hospital yesterday and gave my separated wife a call to let her know, after I said what was happening, she said "don't call me on the land line cause you're using up minutes...". It kinda irked me a little. I mean, if she were telling me about her Mom being in the hospital, I certainly wouldn't bring up that in the same conversation, I'd be telling her get me however you want.
She won't let me take the children for the weekend. She didn't want to give me a kiss after she asked me to do the lawn for her. I wanted one (my fee). I feel I'm nver going to get any real affection from her. She will always be the same. I made extreme sacrifices for her w/ no movement on when she would want to get back together. She's cold to me, she talks about me to the children, she purposely has in depth discussions w/ the kids in front of me w/o including me. It's like she's replaced me with my son as to who she talks to. I want someone to talk to.

Don't I deserve that? I real companion. She's never been real affectionate. It's summer now and I'm thinking that maybe I could actually have more fun w/ the kids and just me. We could go to the places I always wanted them to see. I've got vacation, she refuses to talk about any of that. I'm kinda needing a vacation after 12 months of not having one. She doesn't want to go w/ me.
I'm trying to work on things but maybe she doesn't. We're in couseling (its helped me, she doesn't consider herself needing help). I'm kinda thinking I should cut my losses sooner than later. Shouldn't everyone have a chance at happiness?

To all those people that say I'm trolling, whatever that means, I make no apologies, for having fans/contacts that are women. I like women. I like helping people and most on here that post questions about marriage are women. So you're right I want to help them out. As for the comment that I speak of myself with roses and what not, that is very catty and unkind. I have never said I was perfect. I've been a bastard. I've never cheated. It takes two to argue. I'm through w/ arguing. If I was lookin, I certainly wouldn't be in Marriage and Divorce, I'd be in Singles or whatever or on some dating site, or better yet not even on here. Pretty low blow. Yes, your right, she not always been this way. And yes, I overlooked alot of things b/f we were married. Doesn't everybody. Goes w/ being in love.

Answer 1

Unfortunately, friend, "happiness" isn't one of those things guaranteed to us Christians, and I feel for you. I mean, when we are told to "pick up our cross and follow Him," we HAVE to imagine that cross as the way it really was, not the way we WANT it to have been. There was Christ, beaten, bruised, with lashes and deep, open wounds on His bare back. Then, He was forced to carry His own cross. It wasn't a soft, cushy cross with medicated Neosporin on it to relieve his pains. It was a tree, hard, jagged, splintery, and HEAVY... pressing INTO his wounds! OUCH!

THAT is the cross we are called to carry... for His sake not our own. THAT is the cross YOU are called to carry, brother. For Christ's sake, please continue to carry it, though it is painful, heavy, and jagged. And remember, "he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness." He will give you the strength you need if you will only lay this at His feet, trust Him, even if your wife commits the ultimate betrayal and divorces you. He is your strength. He is your Lord. He is your protector. He is your advocate.

On that note, I want to encourage you that women are wooable. If she has a hardened heart, meet her where she is, lower yourself, and be the man she needs you to be. You are fighting for the sanctity of your marriage, the stability of your household, the heritage of your children and your children's children.

But don't be ... what's the word... wussy? No woman wants a man she can push around who won't "be the man." Some "feminists" will say that's what they want, or that they want an "equal partner." pshaw. That's not God's design.

Now, if she is Christian, then maybe you can come to her with this Scripture: 1 Cor. 7:5 "Defraud ye not one the other, except [it be] with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." That's the KJV.

NKJV words it "Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control."

The idea here is that separation is okay if it is agreed upon, but only for a time, and that it should be used as a time to focus more on your prayer and fasting. If she will answer her door when you knock, have this verse open when you knock, read it to her, and say to her something like, "May I pray over you, darling?" How can she say no? Then, use that time to hold her hand or touch her shoulder, and speak to the Lord in an open, vulnerable way, all the things you need to confess to God that you want His help in, all your worries, and ask God to work in her heart to desire reconciliation, and thank God for the blessing in your life that she has been and for the work He has already done and that He is in the process of doing.

When you say Amen, tell her that you'd like to come back in the morning before work or in the evening after work, or whatever, at least once a day, and either pray with her or pray over her.

If she refuses, come anyway and pray outside her home. And then drive away.

Later in the day, you may want to let her know some of the specific things you prayed over her. Tell her the Scriptures you're leaning on, including the one (above) that this separation is to be only "for a time."

I'm sure you have ideas of your own sparked by this idea. No need to follow it "to the letter" or anything. You know her.

And, you said you "want someone to talk to." Talk to God, brother.

Best wishes,
Momwtrmn

P.S. You should know that the reason I added you to my contacts is b/c helping in the restoration and the reconciliation of marriages is the ministry God is building in me and my hubby. I truly care to see your marriage restored. May God richly bless your efforts and bring your wife back to you. May the God of all Mercy grant your household its union back.

Answer 2

Is she bitter because you wanted to take a break from the marriage or is she the one who left/put you out?

About the phone call - did you try to talk to her later and ask her if there was a problem with the cell phone bill? Maybe she's worrying about money. Her first concern should have been how you were holding up and how your mother was doing!

You need to talk to her (with the counselor present) as to what should or should not be discussed with or in front of your kids. Kids regard themselves as extensions of their parents up until a certain age - one parent badmouthing the other will directly affect a child's self esteem and view of him/herself.

It may come down to both of you sitting down and hashing things out - laying out expectations and how to go about rebuilding or if it's time to go your separate ways. I'm not an advocate of divorce but in a case where both parties agree it's for the best . . . that's a bit different.

Good luck to you . . . I hope things work out.

Answer 3

You guys sound like you made the right choice by separating. She doesn't even remotely sound like she wants to be affectionate towards you...how can you expect that? How awkward...She sounds like she's just waiting for the end of the marriage so she can move on. If not, she's truly a cold hearted woman and I think you may be able to do better than that. Unhealthy relationships will only hurt you and ultimately your kids. Get out of this one early and find someone to share your love and affection with that can appreciate you.
And, who is she to withhold your kids from you? How dare she...you need to get a temp. custody order while you're separated. You have rights, too! Good luck to you!

Answer 4

Sometimes sooner or later you realize who the person really is. I personally say for the kids sake you need to get a lawyer that will make sure you get visitation even if you guys are just seperated. Maybe serving her with a legal seperation will help her understand the truth of what she is doing to you.
Maybe dont try so hard to please her if she isn't trying to please you. Like you said it takes two to argue, it also takes two to make it work out. If you put your all into it and she puts nothing it will never work. Think about the Golden Rule..So the next time she calls you because she is hurt or something is wrong tell her you are busy, etc.
Good luck bu please remember it takes two to tango.

Answer 5

Why did you marry such a cold woman in the first place? Or maybe she wasn't cold then, and was driven into her icy state? Only you can truly answer these questions.

I see that most of your 'fans' and contacts are women, and you will periodically post questions that make your wife out to be explicitly cold and mean spirited, while you talk about yourself all hearts and roses. One can't imagine that you married her because she treated you this way.

Answer 6

I don't want to sound rude but I think it is over and she is just stringing you along to get some stuff done around her house!
I think the best thing is for you to give up on a relationship with her. She seems like a real piece of work she is only going to break your heart.If you really think you guys can make it work , than please go to counseling.The whole family and maybe individual counseling.Just remember don't put your kids in the middle. I wish you the best of luck! Best wishes! You deserve to be happy and find happiness and love!

Answer 7

i'm sorry to hear that you're feeling down.
I hope your mum's health improves rapidly.

you know what is going on with your wife. and so does she. you just have to trust your instincts and gut feelings.

you know what works for you, and you know what works with her. as well as what doesn't work.

i wish you the very best of luck and strength to help you get through this emotionally challenging hardship...

things will work out. they may not seem like something that will necessarily make u happy initially.. but you have a wonderful personality and a beautiful connection with your children, you will be happy again.

Answer 8

Oh #@#@#$ get a divorce! Why would you put up with that crap? Of course you deserve happiness and affection, and time with your kids, and a vacation! File for divorce, ask for temporary custody while the courts decide custody, and take your kids on a vacation with you. Leave the silly b@%$h at home.

Answer 9

Separated means in mind and body. Hey wake up and smell the coffee. She is string you along for the ride. Be happy, don't let her know that you are hurting. Switch the script. Prayer for her because on of these days it will change. But move on and live.

Answer 10

Ok, its time to cut your losses and move on. It definitely sounds like she has no intentions of getting back with you for whatever reason. Youre on a one way road with no way to turn around. Time has come to move on. Theres alot of good wmoen out here looking for a good man. Good luck