I have been dating a guy for 3 months and he is currently separated from his wife. He is filing for divorce this month and they have been separated for over 1 year. We are planning to get married later this year. I want to meet his kids but am trying to hold off until he has resolved his custody/visitation issues with his ex. I dont want to further complicate things by meeting his kids (ages 5 and 2) and then have his ex get upset. Should I meet them now or wait? Thanks!
2007-05-21 09:58:56 · 15 answers · asked by Carolyn G 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm surprised you are even discussing marriage when he hasn't even filed yet.... or haven't met his kids... I would definitely not influence meeting his kids until the divorce is final... Good Luck
2007-05-21 10:02:51 · answer #1 · answered by Oula 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should let your man decide when you meet his kids. But, if you're still together in another 3--6 months, you should absolutely meet his kids if you're planning on marrying him. I agree that it's important not to introduce kids too early, but I also agree that who a person is with their kids and who they are as a boyfriend/girlfriend are two different people. You need to see how he is as a dad, who he is as a dad, that's important. Seeing how he is around his children is important too. I wouldn't date someone for longer than 9 months without meeting their kids, that's a long enough time. And for the person without kids, if it isn't going to work, that's enough time that you've invested. The kids will make or break it and it's good to find that out sooner rather than later. By sooner though, I don't mean 3 months. I'm talking 6--9 months in general. Besides, if he and his now wife have been seperated for a year, than the kids have seen mom and dad a part for a while now. I wouldn't be discussing marriage when his current one isn't over yet, but that's up to you. Don't force the issue of meeting kids and only meet them if you're damn sure this is what you want. They come as a package and marrying this man, or even being with him, will bring on a load of new things (good and bad!). Think about it and don't push it. Also, when you do meet them, let the kids come to you, and try not to take it personally if they don't. Goodluck to you! :)
2007-05-21 17:27:55 · answer #2 · answered by sarahlizjudd 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would wait, the longer the better. I met my now-stepdaughter once before we got married. I didn't want to meet her as I wanted to be sure that we were going somewhere before meeting her and didn't want to add a person to her life that might or might not stay around. (We don't have a lot of visitation with her as she lives halfway across the country - I would have met her more if I could, but it didn't gel with her visits.)
I hate to be sort of a jerk, but you are in a sinking ship here that may or may not make it to shore. He has not even officially filed for divorce - I hope for your sake that they are legally seperated or you could be dragged into the divorce. I also think that after only 3 months, holding off on the wedding is not a bad idea. I like the idea of waiting 6 months after the divorce to meet and then get married 6 months later. It gives them time to get used to you. And you to them.
The other big issue that I see is that you are engaged to a man that is not free - and by that, I mean emotionally. I am not discounting your feelings for one another - I married a divorced man also and we are soul mates - but the timing. He is dealing with the ending of his marriage to the ex, his new role as the visitation parent with his kids, and a new relationship all at the same time. If you can give the relationship a little time to flourish in a normal, less-stressful setting - ie, when he is divorced and his kids are settled into their schedule with him - you two will have a greater chance of success. Right now, he is in some level of crisis mode - and you want him in non-crisis mode.
Be patient, even if you think it is going to kill you. Not only will he appreciate you all the more, you have a better chance of having a good relationship with his kids. If the divorce is not nasty, and you wait an appropriate time, you may also be able to have a civil relationship with the ex. Trust me. that is worth it - it can make life SO much easier if all parties are willing to try to get along for the kids' sake. That will never happen if she sees you in any manner as part of the reason for the divorce - even though it sounds like you have no part in it, it's all about how the exp percieves you.
Good luck, be patient, and I hope that it all works out well for you!
2007-05-21 17:22:35 · answer #3 · answered by Lili Montegue 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think 3 months is a long enough time to date someone before meeting their kids let alone talk marriage. Those poor kids are going through a traumatic situation at home which all divorces are no matter how civil. To think about bringing new relationships into that is selfish and will hurt those little kids.
2007-05-21 17:08:25 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should wait to meet the kids until six months after the divorce is final....and then marry six months later. You'll have to put off the wedding but at least you won't be seen as a homewrecker by the children when they're older.
Trust me, if this is the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, one year won't break you up.
2007-05-21 17:02:11 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait to meet them. They are young and don't know a lot about what is going on in their life right now, to bring another woman into it at this stage of it would not be good for them. We tend to want to rush meeting kids, when we do this it could be another big let down for them. Remember they feel sad right now because Mom and Dad aren't together, give them time and please don't push the issue or you could come out the loser with them. He is still married to her until the divorce, so this alone is enough for them not to see another person in Daddy life.
2007-05-21 17:05:34 · answer #6 · answered by Krinta 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why? You don't have enough problems in your life and looking for tortures?
You are already on a moral low ground as the other woman dating a married man. You are the complication.
2007-05-21 17:03:48 · answer #7 · answered by Sir Richard 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Wait and introduce urself slowly. If ur sure ur going 2 b w/ him and only if ur sure. Don't get them attached 2 u then bail. That would b the worst. LOL
2007-05-21 17:07:39 · answer #8 · answered by Misty D 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't even be dating him til the divorce was final, let along getting involved with his kids. Those poor babies!
2007-05-21 17:59:59 · answer #9 · answered by Lydia 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Waaaait! At least wait until after the wedding. Have a little sympathy not to throw it in his soon to be exwife's face.
2007-05-21 17:08:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋