advice, kind advice please?

Question

hello, ive been with my b/f for 3 years and please dont say break up with him he's a loozer becuase thats not want i want to do right now. im not ready to let go of this relationship we both love eachother..but im getting pretty close to giving up. this past couple of months have not been easy we both lost a friend and his mother is a acholohlic. well latly more and more he accusses me of cheating its gotten so bad to the point were i dont want to go out with my friends anymore becuase all i will hear is who did you hook up with. i have never cheated havent even came close! well today he started his rant on how i probibly cheated on him yesterday (this was the first time i hung out with friends in months) i lost it and said i might as well since you already think i do and he said i know you do and hung up...i just want to convice him i will never cheat. i want to save what we have but i just dont know what to do..and i know for a fact he is not cheating so thats not a issure. any advic

Answer 1

You can't "prove" that you are not doing something. If this is only a problem recently, it sounds like it is connected to his feelings of insecurity because of the problems you described.

Tell you want to get counseling together. Maybe you should see a minister or professional counseling. I think his real issues will come out. Or you can do it yourself by taking a NON-CONFRONTATIONAL approach to asking him why he is worried because you love him, you are loyal etc. Ask him gently what makes him believe these things. You have to get him to tell you that he is afraid, as that is probably the problem.

If you can stay calm, you might get to the bottom of this.

Answer 2

I'd listen to Baby Bun - I have had a saying for a long time - "nobody is more afraid of being robbed than a robber." Same is true with cheating - Not always but I'll be willing to bet a pretty solid majority of the time a person who suddenly becomes obsessed that you have cheated has become that way because THEY have cheated. You say you know for a fact he is not cheating but re-evaluate - are you with him every moment? Do you know that every day he left for work he actually went to work and didn't take a 1/2 day vacation or a full day? You can try to talk through it with him but the chances of this chances working out are pretty slim. Either get couple counseling or start preparing for life after...

Answer 3

It sounds like he has a low self esteem. Every so often tell him how handsome, gorgeous (whatever word you want to use) you think he is. Do small things for him IE... before my husband got up for work, I got up and made him a lunch and left a sweet note in his lunch box. He called me during the day and told me he was having a bad day and my note made it bearable. It doesn't sound like you are living together but I think you get the idea. Just let him know in small ways that he is the only one for you and how much you love him.

If after awhile he still is accusing you then you might want to rethink about being with him. All of these people on here are asking you if you are certain he is not cheating. If you aren't certain then you can always call CHEATERS and have them follow him for you to see if he is the unfaithful one.

Answer 4

Let me tell you, you don't think that he has cheated on you, but I have to say from how he is acting, HE HAS! This is quite common when one partner cheats on the other that the one who cheated is overcome with guilt and accuses the other of cheating even though they did nothing wrong to be accused of this. I've been there and done that as they say. Before I ever cheated on my husband, he had been accusing me of it for months, even though I had done nothing wrong and other than work had not been anywhere without him (as he would not let me). This went on for nearly a year, and I got so fed up that I finally did cheat (w/his friend - just to be as spiteful as he had been acting). Then when we got into it the next time and he accused me of it yet again, instead of denying it, I admitted it and told him he pushed me into it. After all I had been being accused of doing so I figured that I might as well. Anyways point being - If he is accusing you, you need to look long and hard at his whereabouts, because most likely you will find that he has done something that is causing him to act this way. Good luck!

Answer 5

Are you sure he hasn't cheated? Sometimes when your bf/gf accuses you it means they are guilty. I hope this is not the case but just a thought and i know thats not what you want to here but it could be true. You should tell him how bad this makes you feel and how close you are to giving up. If he means that much take a break from each other maybe thats what you both need.

Answer 6

Well, you want advice but don't want to listen to anyone who tells you to break up with him?

So, in other words, you are miserable, dating a man that is controlling and mean to you, and you are looking for a reason to stay miserable and with a loser.

Sorry, can't help you there.

Life is short, you have already wasted 3 years, either you want to live this way and have all the drama, or you don't. Just don't stay with him and then ask years later why all men treat their wives bad and say things like "I had no idea he would be this way"

You have seen the light, now you need to act on it!

Peace and Good Luck!

Answer 7

Since he came from a home where his mother was an alcoholic leads me to believe he suffered the consequences from this. This in itself does not give him a license to be verbally abusive towards you. He alone has the responsibility to seek counselling to help him work through trust issues. You might want to suggest couple's counselling to him. I feel your relationship will have a good chance if you both work at the real issues at hand and that this, it is not YOU he does not trust, it is HE who feels he is not worthy of being loved, and so this leads him to believe you will cheat on him. I do hope you both will be able to work things out.

Answer 8

He's got a few issues of his own to deal with. Taking a break here might be in your and his best interests. Let him know why you want to step away right now so he doesn't just chalk it up to another man or something and tell him during this time, you want to work on you and he should work on himself. Let him know that you will be there to talk to him and to help some but that he's got to deal with some things. He probably won't get it at first but be as clear as you can. Maybe if he sees you as an ally in this troubled time, he'll shake himself out of his funk and you can be happy.

Answer 9

The way your bf is acting, it sounds like he has some paranoid tendency's. The last thing you want to say to him is what you said! That will really send him into a panic and make things worse for you. Look up some info on paranoid personality disorder, see if he fits the profile. If he does, have a talk with him and show him the info you found and ask him to get treatment. Reassure him that you want to stay in the relationship, but he will need to get help for his problems. This will be a very difficult thing for him to face, but if you support him it will be a great help to him. good luck.

Answer 10

How can you know for a fact that he is not cheating on you? It sounds like he may be paranoid because he did something he shouldn't have. If you want to save this relationship then you should either seek couples counseling or give him and ultimatum. He needs to change or you're just going to end up unhappy as long as you're with him.