Should I leave my husband?

Question

My husband is a jerk. He is not physically abusive, but mentally abusive. He yells at me daily about how "messy" the house is. I work 2 jobs/have 3 kids, so I don't give a crap if the house is messy. It's not even that bad! If I don't "cook" dinner and bring home take out, he gets mad. I have 3 dogs and he constantly complains that our house "stinks" which I, and everyone else doesn't smell! He tells me I am lazy and calls me things like ***** and moron a lot! He is really hard on my son who is 8 (he is not his biological dad) and makes him cry on about a daily basis.

On the other hand....I am scared to leave. I am older (34), out of shape, and have a lovely little disease called HPV (for those of you who don't know, is the virus that causes genital warts - even though I've never had the warts) which will make any future dating totally awful! Also, our house is in his parent's name.

He just tells me I'm too sensative, and at least I'm not getting hit like his mom did!

Man, the responses started flying in! Some of them about made me cry! I should mention that the oldest kid is 18 and not mine. He is a liar, thief, and a pain in the ***. He lives with us because his mom kicked him out 2 months ago.

The youngest is 2 and is both of ours.

I have noticed my 8 year old starting to sound like him....and it does break my heart.

I am not getting rid of my dogs! They were around before him...and I love them.

Just a note: HPV can still be passed using a condom for those of you who answered "use a condom" . Just wanted to mention that.

Just another thing about the HPV to educate you all:

You can be treated for the symptoms, but the virus is in your body forever. I didn't even know I had it until a pap smear showed abnormal cells...which eventually could lead to cervical cancer if not treated.

Thanks you guys!

jimmy.pa:

you are an a*****. show some sensativity! only a man would answer like that!!!!!!

Answer 1

Don't downplay the fact that his abuse is only mental. Take it from someone who knows. I have said many times that I would much rather be hit than to be mentally/verbally abused. At least the bruises go away, words never leave your mind. You cannot allow any man to mistreat your child. You are his only defense. Go stay with family or friends and leave him. You and your kids deserve better!!

Answer 2

You can try and have a sit down mature non emotional discussion with him. Tell him that you would like some help, maybe he would agree to a maid once a week. Put the dogs outside or at least don't let them live in the house 24/7. Don't you have a tiled area where you can restrict them, dogs should be fun and not a burden, and when they become a burden you need to find them a better home. Go on a diet and start an exercise program as you we feel better about yourself and don't worry about your HPV, as many people have it and are understanding about it. You need to prepare for the worse, as he has you over the rail when it comes to the house, as you are nothing but renters. Marriage couseling is a possibility as well. Quit one of your jobs as you need some time for yourself and family; he may have a legimate complaint about certain things, but it takes an effort from both partners when working things out. After the conversation, if things don't get better, and especially after couseling, assuming you try it, and, if things don't get better you need to move on as you and your child deserve a stable and friendly invironment in which to live. You never said whether you love this man or not, so if you love him try these things and if not go ahead and leave now, as you will find that it is better to be alone for awhile than to continue in this caged situation. Like I said you can lose weight and get in shape, you just have to have the motivation and he certainly has given you the reasons to do these self improvements. Good Luck.

Answer 3

I'm never going to tell someone they should leave. Sounds like he got serious anger managment problems. He's repeating the same cycle he observed growing up if you say his mother was hit more then likely he's following that same path and perhaps you should get out now while the abuse is only mental. You realize that your child now has a greater risk of growing up and becoming and abuser just like your current husband right?? You have to weight the risks involved, leaving everything behind and just getting out might be best for you AND your CHILD. Have you all tried counciling or group therapy? I can tell you from my own expirence as both a person who witness violence in the household and a person who has had to help others in violent and abusive relationships, generally things don't get better on they're own and esculation of the abuse in enevitable. Your going to do what you want, but remember it's not only you who's going to suffer if things don't improve it's a vicious cycle and one that will not be broken unless someone steps in and breaks the chain. On your HPV I've never heard of it causing warts only cervial cancer which is far worse I imagine. However if you've never had a wart breakout then I see nothing to worry about, when in doubt either don't have sex or use protection. Your local OB/GYN also has treatments for HPV and a vaccine that will prevent contracting other forms. I know my wife had HPV and received the shot, she's fine and all fixed up now! On another note they're are plenty of great guys out there who love to care for a special person, who don't abuse, and don't care if your "out of shape" Who says if you do become single again that you need someone right away...take some time for yourself, loose some weight if it means that much to you. Enjoy your son and more then likely someone who is right will just happen to pass by one day!

Answer 4

You should def leave, not saying a divorce neccesarily. Does he do anything all day? At least your not getting hit?? Oh I am sure you and your kids deserve a lot better than this. You should never stay in a relationship because you are scared that you won't find someone better because honestly doesn't sound like you could meet someone worse. You are a YOUNG 34 yr old and 1/4 people have HPV so your'd be suprised at who does have it. I would hope also AT LEAST you get counseling with him because he is your husband but if that doesn't work do what you have to.

Answer 5

Your kids will grow up to be just like him or will marry someone just like him - is that what you would want for your children?

Fear of telling a future sex partner about warts is an excuse, along with the house being in his parents' name, to not do what will be scary and unknown. At least now, you know what to expect, right?

There is help out there and I would suggest that you get that help for you and your children - your son especially needs to know that there isn't anything wrong with him - it is his father(step) that has the problems and nothing he does will ever make that man happy. Why let him grow up believing that he is just no good? What made you accept a man like that in your life - did you not feel like you are any good?

The right thing to do is usually the hardest thing to do. To stay and put up with this abuse is easier then getting out and doing what's best for YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. They are stuck and are being abused because you refuse to remove them (and you) from the situation. In the past it was difficult and I'm not saying it will be easier now, but there are women's shelters and domestic counseling available and other services and sources that you can get help from.

Answer 6

By staying with your husband your letting him continue the cycle of abuse that started with his father,or his father's father! You aren't the only one being abused, so "is" your son! Like you, your son is being belittled and yelled at on a daily basis...and think about when you were 8...could you handle that torment on a daily basis? Probably not! You need to think of your son's future and yours. Yes it's going to be hard and you already know that, but that's how life is. You will find someone who can accept as a whole, even with a common virus. Basically the "choice" is up to you and remember whether you "choose" to stay and let yourself and your son endure this daily pain, or leave and start over "is up to you!" Be a strong woman, get yourself together and start a happy life with good memories!

Good luck and best wishes!

Answer 7

If ur unhappy-leave. Personally, I would leave for my son. He shouldn't have to go thru this. U chose ur hubby, he didn't. The man is an insensitive azz. As for the HPV, I have a friend that has herpes and her fiance married her and they have a beautiful little boy. If the love is real, that shouldn't matter-use condoms. U aren't older and can start over w/ someone who appreciates u and everything u do-I'm 34 too, been there, done that. LOL

Answer 8

Ok, it sounds like it's time to make some changes - both of you guys.

Don't be an enabler. You both have responsibilities in this.

Get rid of the 3 dogs and what is costing you guys 2 jobs on your end plus whatever he brings home? Set some priorities in your life and organize - build a home together, not a zoo!

Make your home and family life the priority.

You shouldn't need so much income or so much time away from home.

Make building a home and family priority - or you can just kiss him goodbye.

If I lived in a house with 3 dogs, I'd hate that too - it must really stink!

Answer 9

The last thing on your mind should be your future sex life ! And 34 is not "Older" !! And you can find love with HPV. But first things first. You need to find a way out of that situation. Can anyone help you i.e. live with a family member while you are getting back on track? It will be hard to break away, but I think even harder to stay. Good luck to you.

Answer 10

You are entitled to respect and dignity. He is not being the husband you want, so I think you should really think things over and make a decision...

Your husband sounds like a person who has a lot of issues...anger and pain are bottled inside him. The fact that he sees nothing wrong in his behaviour is a big red flag; and if he said you're lucky you're not getting beaten like his mother is a terrible example of what he suffered. People like this do not change; they get worse over time.

You are still a young woman, and you have to think of yourself and your kids.

I think is is SO sad to hear you say your son is only 8 and he cries every day! You are his mother and an adult- it is your JOB to protect your son ! If you don't do it, WHO WILL? Have you asked yourself this?? Your son is a child, he's helpless and he needs you to be there for him ...!

Please make a list of pros and cons, and be honest. If you see that you are putting in more than you are getting out, it's time to call it quits and start a new life, away from this abuse.

PROTECT YOURSELF and your kids ! Start saving and move out and away as soon as possible....You will be better off and will have more peace.
Your children will admire you for it in the future. Be strong, and think of yourself now. Ask God to help you and guide you. You will be in my prayers.