I'm afraid of sex and going to get married. What should I do?

Question

Though I am 28 years old, I have this extreme fear of sex. I know it will pain & I also find the thought disgusting. To make things worse, I think I am asexual - I don't find myself attracted to guys.

my wedding (arranged marriage) is already fixed & is scheduled in June. It cannot be cancelled or postponed till i'm ready because the arrangements are already made and a lot of money has already been spent. The invitations have gone out too.

I'm afraid that if i'm not able to consummate the marriage, my fiance (soon to be husband) will not tollerate it and the marriage may end.

I tried talking to my mother and she feels i'm abnormal because even teenagers do it and I have to bear the sex pain in order to get pregnant and she also added that i'll have to face far worse pain while giving birth. However I am still scared. I have no other close person I can talk to about this.

There are just 2 weeks left for the wedding. Please help.

He is not a bad man, but i'm still afraid - not so much of marriage but of sex.

I must also add that as mentioned before, the wedding cannot be canceled or postponed. I have no option really in this case.

I am female

I only met my fiance twice and i'm uncomfortable talking to him about this issue.

I'm not against the marrriage in any way - i'd like to get over my fears in order to make it work - that is why i asked this question

Everyone says it pains - even my mother isays it pains too much but it is a necessary pain othrewise I can never bear children and because I am 28, I have to have children soon.

Answer 1

Wow, sweetie...this is a really big issue for you. Do you ever masturbate? I would encourage your future husband to go slow and enjoy as much foreplay as you are able. If you are truely afraid of being penetrated your vaginal muscles may tighten/spasm and create "vaginismus" which could lead to a great deal of pain if penetrated at that time. If there is a way your husband can perform oral sex first to stimulate your vagina to lubricate and/or use some KY jelly, the initial experience will be less painful. If it is too difficult to insert a penis at first - try a single finger - try your own finger first if you are more comfortable.

When all is said and done, you DO NOT have to have ANY FORM OF SEX if you don't want to. A woman's right to choose what is best for her own body is far more powerful than tradition or arranged marriage. If you are not ready, you are not ready. If you are never ready, so be it. Communication is key - you have to be able to communicate your needs and your fears with your soon-to-be husband.

I hope this all works out for you...

Answer 2

Of all the women I know, it only hurt a few, and only at first. If you can discuss this with your husband at all before it happens, do so. Just because you have a wedding doesn't mean you have to rush into the sexual part of your relationship. Whether he is willing to let you wait, or not, if you both take your time and don't rush it, it's much easier to go through. He can help your body prepare for it by using his fingers first and taking his time with you.

It sounds like your mother is trying to scare you into doing what she thinks is right. Sex can be good, once you've had some practice, and over time you can learn to desire your husband. It won't happen all at once but it's possible if your mind is open. Don't worry about the pain of birth yet, that's just borrowing trouble. I'll pray for you. If you need more information, feel free to email me

Answer 3

You may not be asexual. You may just not be attracted to THIS man.

And true, sex does hurt, but only for a short moment. And actually, it's more like a quick burning sensation for some. ---and only for a quick second. It isn't as bad as you are thinking. And believe me, it is a VERY common fear.

Maybe if you talk to your soon to be husband about it, there's the possibility he might take it slow and not rush you into anything right away. It's worth a try. I understand this is an arranged marriage, but if he's any kind of good man at all, he'll try to be understanding.

Answer 4

You are not alone. I've heard other people say that they are afraid of having sex as well because they are OCD. (Obsessive-Compulsive) and also find the thought of having sex disgusting.

As far as talking to your mother, I'll assume her marriage was also arranged and that's why she has done nothing to console or help you.

I am sorry for this predicament you seem to be in with your mother not helping and your future husband not tolerating your woes. My only suggest I guess would be to see a counselor about this and hopefully they can find out before your marriage next month as to why you are so deathly ill of sex and why it disgusts you so. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

It's totally normal to be scared about having sex for the first time. Sex is not painful. It will be a little uncomfortable the first time, but just make sure that you have a good lubrication to help with that. Sex is an amazing thing that you will be able to share with your partner. Try it out on your own first with some kind of sex toy and then you wont be so nervous for your first time.

Answer 6

You have the wrong idea about sex. It's not for pleasure. It's done for love. Do you know your fiance? I have the feeling that this is an arranged marraige.

In that case, I would recommend that you don't have sex with your husband until you both want to, love each other, and want the physical expression of the emotional and spiritual bond of love that you feel toward each other.

Waiting is worth it, if it's for the one you love. I wish you the best in your marriage, and hope you are able to reach a place of peace and hopefulness in your attitude about your marriage. It isn't a business - it's personal, meaning that people do it for love.

Answer 7

Wow hun, I'm sorry.

Please know that sex can be enjoyable, and done correctly it is not incredible pain. Make sure to have a lot of lube as that will help.

You mentioned being 'asexual' do you think that you may in fact be homosexual, and not attracted to men, but women? Or perhaps you're not attracted to your fiancee.

You said it is arranged, have you met him before? Is he a kind person? Attractive? I know it seems horrible to think about calling off the wedding, but what is worse is being in a marriage that you don't want to be in. Good luck

Answer 8

Hi: Some of what you may feel is premarital jitters, however with how you describe your fear, you may have a phobia. A phobia is a irrational fear that prohibits you from carrying on your normal life functions.

I would love to tell you that you should not worry, however, I feel that your set in your mind and my advice will simply move past you.

Speaking with your soon to be spouse should be essential. Marriage is about trust and love. Your fiance loves you and will be able to attend therapy with you should you desire.

Perhaps, some of the fear you have is due to myths or misconceptions that you have regarding sex. Should you wish to talk, please feel free to contact me. I will do my best to explain anything that may confuse you and not judge you.

I wish you luck and should I not speak with you, I wish you the very best in your marriage.

Answer 9

Uh-oh. That is the problem. You were not the one that wanted to marry, you are being married to him, and that is the reason to feel afraid of intimacy with him.

Grandmas said to this situation that "love will come later". Some others would say that love is not a feeling, it is a choice, and you may choose to love your husband and have a nice married life or to make it miserable for yourself. If it does not work, you can always divorce in a friendly way...hope you do not need to. Good luck.

Answer 10

Yes it will hurt but only the first couple of times. If your husband is a good lover, he will know what to do...Get drunk or something..............LOL............As for the pain of birth, they give epidurals to numb you from the waist down. I realize your culture is different from American's, but even today arranged marriages are barbaric. If you don't want to do it, get a passport and RUN LIKE HELL! Life is too short to be OWNED by a man you do not love. And arranged marriages are basically your parents trading you for a dowery. Right? Run baby run! Sex is great once you get the bad part over with and only if you truly LOVE the person you are having it with..........Good luck sweetie.