What would you think if your husband said...?

Question

My husband and I are trying to make our 6 yr marriage work. He is really trying hard. He treats me really good but last night when I asked if he was starting to love me he got frustrated and said “I treat you good don’t I? what more do you want?” when I said love he replied “If I was with someone I loved I would probably treat her the same way I treat you, so I don’t understand what more you want from me, what else do you want me to do?... next time you ask I should just say I do”.

He didn't love me when we first got married, but since he does care deeply for me and we have two kids, we decided to try to make it work.

He cares about me a LOT and he shows it... but I would like to have a spouse who loves me. Is he right to feel frustrated? Should I be content with support, care, fidelity...? isn't that just a very nice friendship?...maybe loved is reserved for someone lese...

: ( I really wanted (and thought I deserved)... to be LOVED

He said I exaggerated after I looked upset with his answer... so I'll try to make him read this post so we can both take a look at other opinions

He used to say it before we got married...it was AFTER we were married when he realized he didn't really know what love was and he told me he didn't really loved me

Answer 1

Ouch. Sounds like he does not love you in the way that you want to be loved. He is trying to make the relationship work though.

I understand your frustration but you cannot make someone love you, either they do or they don't, You do deserve to be loved the way you want. Only you can decide what you should be content with. Many people live the way you do but sounds like you want more out of a marriage.

Answer 2

OK - I guess I am not understanding why you don't feel loved if he shows you affection, dedication, compassion, trust, respect and support?

These are signs that you ARE in fact loved by someone. Why your husband would not be able to say the words "I LOVE YOU" is worrysome as it is defiantley actions that speak louder, but hearing those three little words is so very comforting.

Could it be that your husband is emabarrased by the words - that could be a sign of immaturity or that those words were not used often enough in his world growing up.

Could it be that you are pressing an issue to hear something he's just not ready to say? From your story you sound as if you've had some troubles - fallen out of love and now working on putting the peices back together. That my dear takes time & you both will have to work very hard at finding each other again.

Try to remember what it was that first made you fall in love? Be who you were when you were both happiest & see where it takes you. If it is that you have both grown into two different people, it could be that you would find a way to falll in love with the "new" person they've become - it takes a bit to though to greive the loss of the person they fell in love with first.

It could be that they are so different now - no matter how hard you try, you just do not love who they have become and you feel plain obligated by your cmmitment. In this case, it will not be a happy marriage & may end in divorce, but you do have the ability to end things properly if you just keep respect & honesty forfront in your minds.

I hope for both of you that you can fall back into love - actions do speak louder then words - BUT words need to be spoken in order to put action into play!

Answer 3

you guys need to try couseling if you really want it to work...but you said that you went into this with yoiur eyes wide open from the jump...you knew he didnt love you and you married him any way and had kids thinking he would change but he didnt and your frustrated.....yes every one deserves to be loved .......and it sounds like a friendship that shouldnt have been more than that but you have to make the best of it for your kids that i am sure you both love...some marriages arent ment to be forever because they up and married what was meant to be just for a minute and not that lifetime....you cant make a temporary situation into a lifetime....but you did by having kids...either stay married and get some help or get a divorce before you are both to bitter to care and realise that your hurting each other and your kids....

i admire him for telling yoyu what was on his mind and the truth....it would have been worse if he would have lied and you need to stop lieing to yourself and realize whats in front of you....you settled and sold yourself short, and him and those kids....now after six years you both need to wake up and truly talk about this and not in anger...it sounds like you were good friends at first because he can talk to you so i think you need to do some talking to work out what you guys are going to do
and please dont say the we will stay together for the kids sake thing because they will grow up and see you two miserable and when one or both of you start not being home much because you dont want to be aroiund the other the kids will suffer.......

get it together , keep being honest and talk it out

Answer 4

EVERYONE deserves to be loved. He is frustrated because you got married to him knowing that he did not love you. If it was ok then, it should be ok now. I do believe that sometime people can fall in love but for some, that does not happen. If you love him and he does not feel the same, that is going to be a problem. I hope that he will start to feel the same way about you as you feel about him. Love is for you, you have to have the courage to go out there and get it! Good Luck!

Answer 5

You can't make people love you. Plus I believe that everyone deserves to spend the rest of their lives with someone that they love and that loves them back. Life is too short to settle for less than what you want. I have dated a lot of guys and it took me a long time to find the love of my life. I would do it all over again because he is definitely worth waiting for. Another example is my parents. They got pregnant with me before they were married. At the time they did love each other so they got married. Now 27 years later they are still married but live in seperate rooms of the house. They stay married because it is cheaper. Plus they are used to each other. But are they truly happy? I don't know. My mom does her own thing and goes to church everytime the church doors are open. My dad stays gone all weekend on weekend getaways and comes home on Sundays. I vowed never to live like that. I want my husband and I to always do everything together. So I would say if you want to end up like my parents then stay with someone that just likes you.

Answer 6

Why isn't it love? Is it just that he's not using that word?

I think somebody whose a professional would be able to sort that out, but really, I don't see a different between being cared for and treated well, and being loved.

It's a word that defines an action. If the action is there without the word, then you just need to find out why he won't say love. I think that might be the problem here.

Answer 7

Sometimes men have a wierd way of showing us that they love us. Sometimes we women expect to hear something else, and when we don't, we think that they don't love us.

This is kind of tough though, and I understand what you mean. It almost sounds like the only reason why he loves you is because you are the mother of his child.

The both of you need to talk. You are his wife, you should know if he loves you or not. There is only so much that you can do to please him. But it take two in the relationship in order to work. You do deserve love.

Answer 8

You deserve love and just not that he cares. You can find that anywhere. I treat my dog good, so what does that tell you. I'm not being nasty just telling you what I see here. I also treat strangers good, besides why would I not treat someone who has my children and living with me good. Take another look at your life and ask yourself one question, once the children are grown and out of the house, What will happen then, will you be happy with someone who doesn't love you but treat you good? If you can say yes, than live with him and be happy.

Answer 9

Honey, if you were content, you wouldn't have asked. Everyone deserves to be loved. It's obvious to me that you have low self-esteem, and I'm sorry for you. Noone should take marraige lightly, and NOONE deserves not to be loved in a marraige! NOONE. That's just fine if he cares about you. I care about alot of people, but my future husband deserves my LOVE and I deserve his. He should in no way feel frustertated, and you probably don't want to hear this but he sounds like a real jerk with an ego the size of Texas. Don't ever be content with ANYTHING in life that doesn't make you truly, truly happy. Please think about this, you're really missing out on the chance to meet someone that will truly love you if you don't.

Answer 10

wow. this is hard. I can't imagine being with someone I loved and not having it reciprocated. The problem is that he never loved you and you married hoping his feelings would change. You can't really make someone love you, it comes from within and in this case, it just did not happen. I think he needs to be more sensitive to your needs if you two are going to stay together for the sake of your kids, but I would not expect the sugar and spice marriage that you want, because frankly his feelings are not there.

good luck.