Are you in a "platonic" marriage?

Question

Hubbie and I have been married for eight years. We have two kids. I think we are in some kind of "platonic" stage in our marriage. Our sex life is ziltch. At first, several years ago, we tried hard to keep the sparks going but slowly it has disappeared where we have sex maybe once every two months or so. Neither of us wants it this way, it just seems like it is just too much work to keep it going. When we fall into bed at night all we are looking for is sleep. We love each other bunches but now it's more like a close friendship. Have you ever been through this? If so, were you able to change it? How?

Answer 1

Been there.... done that.

We go through phases. When it becomes platonic, it's because a lot is going on. We're tired when we go to bed, or we go to bed at different times. Then, in the morning we get up at different times and/or we have responsibilities that must be done (e.g. sending the kid out the door).

To address it, we try and take the stress factors away. We try to go to bed earlier than normal; or we steel an hour in the middle of the school day. Sometimes, we arrange for the child to spend the night at a friends house. What ever you try, the main point is to make your relationship a primary responsibility instead of the very last thing on your list of things to do.

Answer 2

I'm not sure how old you are, but I am 26, and I know the feeling all too well. I've been in my relationship for what seems like forever, and it seems as though most marriages go through the same thing. You can try counseling, but it seems you have no time. Having kids is time consuming, too. I too have 2 kids. And every month or 2 is great compared to what I went through. I too tried the whole "rekindling" experiment, and "spicing things up." Neither worked for long. It wasn't until we stopped counseling and decided that we needed to set time for each other. If you can, maybe try to have someone babysit the kids one night a week. Go out to eat or someplace quiet and just talk. Talk about anything bothering you, anything about sex (ideas to try, etc.,) ..... anything at all. Don't change subjects, and finish the topics at hand one at a time. By going some place public, namely a diner or restaurant, it may prevent an argument for the sake of either of you getting embarrassed. When you get home, relax for a few minutes apart before you get back into your routine life. As long as you feel as though you at least have that closeness as a "friendship", it may help with being open and honest. I feel that being open and honest with no distractions has loosened things up a bit for me, and things have been a lot better now. You can try whatever you please, but this worked for me, and still does. Good luck!

Answer 3

If I didn't know better, I would have thought I wrote this.

I really understand how tired and lusterless you must feel with two kids and working. Sometimes all I want is sleep, or five minutes to myself. After giving all day to a job and kids and having people hanging off you all day, the last thing you desire is for someone is to touch you or want you to give more.

You need a break. Not a break from your relationship, but a break from your routine. Get a sitter and take a vacation alone w/ your husband so you can renew yourselves and your love. If you can't afford to go away, then just do 2 nights in a hotel nearby.

Try to look at yourselves in a new way. Remember what you found so special about him when you met and remember who YOU were at that time. It's so easy to lose ourselves. Make the effort to love each other better. Take a moment here and there to touch his bottom or flash your bobs or giev him a wet kiss when it is unexpected or even inappropriate. Bring the juice back in by making love differently ...toys, dress up, role playing, even a different room.

Good luck!

Answer 4

Definitely not. Me and my hubby have been married for 15 years and we are very active.
Maybe you need to see a marriage counselor.
Maybe try "dating" each other again to put a spark back into the realtionship or showering/bathing together. Alot of time all you need is little time alone together on the weekends to get things going. Make time to be together away from the everyday pains of life.
I know after work I don't feel like doing a darn thing but there is nothing like sex-therapy!!

Answer 5

Something is wrong with one or both of you. Perhaps not having the same feeling towards one another? Perhaps an extramarital affair? All I can tell you is that my wife and I had a wonderful and living marriage. In our early 60s, with five children and six grandchildren. We had sex at least three times a week, and, every night fell asleep in each others arms. This past December, she died very suddenly. I know I will never feel for anyone the way I felt towards her. Also, my sex drive has been non-existant since she died. I would speak to a professional if I were you and your spouse.

Answer 6

If you are serious about your marriage, talk to your husband about your feelings. It is a safe assumption that he is unaware of how you are feeling. After you both have discussed it, you can then start working on ways to spend time together. It is harder to do when you have kids, but it will be worth it in the long run. Go out to dinner together or catch a movie. Learn about each other again and remember what drew you together in the first place.

Answer 7

I think everyone in a long steady realationship has went through this at one time or another.
The best thing to do is learn to appericiate one another again.
Try something new.There are alot of self help books that are targeting people in long term realationships.Take the time to explore evrything about him.
I know I like to get intimate in everything I do with her.Sometimes men need intamacy before sex.Open up.Maybe try role playing.Act out your fantasys together.
Just be creative and find ways to explore.

Answer 8

You asked the $1,000,000 question. Marriage, kids, house chores, yard chores, laundry (wash, dry, fold, put away), dishes, cleaning, kids extracurricular activities, work: these all put a damper on sex.

We actually have to schedule time in advance or I take a day off when she will be home w/o the kids. For now, it feels like roomates/close friends and it hurts deeply.

If you find an answer, let me know. I've been searching a long time.

Answer 9

Yes, have been there, couldn't change it. There are worse things in life, that is for sure. Perhaps you two can agree on an open marriage...you get the best of both worlds. We just cannot be all to another, no matter what we do...and it sounds as if that is where you are at. The danger here is that one or the other meets a Big time love..be prepared for that. I suspect that no matter what happens, you both will be best friends forever. good luck

Answer 10

Make time for one another sexually speaking. This may take rearranging each of your schedules. Make your sexual relationship the most important task each day for two weeks. Make this time special by doing whatever it takes to turn the other on, candles, oils, sexy clothing, toys etc. Set aside one day a week as date night and do not miss it.

If this does not work seek counceling or get out of the relationship.