Advice appreciated: MIL problems--what can I do?

Question

Met future mil, was courteous as were they. Said thank you after the meal & left..not good enough for her, she wanted a thank you note. She wants a ty note for everything, from X-mas presents, to simply visiting. She also has another son that she obviously favors. Why? B/c he & his wife kiss her *** to get stuff. I'm not going to do that. I don't do it w/ my own family. Don't think you should have to do that to get someone to like you. Anyway, the dad sides w/ the mom regardless. Before & after hubby & I were engaged, the mil kept telling him not to marry me. After she met my family for the first time, she called her son to complain about them & again reiterated not to marry me, & get this..it was as she was driving down my sister's driveway after having met them. The night before the wedding, she had her other son call my husband & tell him he was rude at the rehearsal dinner (he was not) & again, not to marry me. She didn't speak to my hubby the day of the wedding. cont.

sorry for the length. She (mil) treats my hubby worse than a dog. She never says when they're coming by for the most part and when they do, it's only b/c they want something. I've tried to tell him this, how they treat him, etc. He knows, he's aware of it. But keeps taking it. I don't know why. I think he deserves better. This woman is the most self-centered person I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. She's butting into our marriage (a reason I feel we're not even discussing children, which he said he wanted b/f we married). Now when I mention that, he gets mad and doesn't want to talk about it. I think it's b/c his mother is telling him not to. Sigh. I'm just at my wits end. I love this man to death, but this woman is unlike anything I've ever encountered. I would love to tell her off, but that would make my hubby mad & so I haven't done that yet. I'm just at a loss for what to do. Any advice, would be appreciated. I apologize for the length. Thank you.

One funny little thing I wanted to mention: the mil & fil were redoing their home. Her husband went out and got a new trashcan apparently w/out her approval. When she saw it, she got p*ssed he didn't ask her and proceeded to beat the trashcan to death w/ a hammer. She definitely needs psychological help.

Answer 1

I agree that your MIL has some mental/emotional problems.

First of all, emotionally detach yourself from this situation so that she can't make you angry. Be very polite and courteous to her whenever you have to see or talk to her. Don't complain about her to your husband or his family because that will just fuel the fire and cause your husband distress.

Your husband also needs to become less emotionally entangled with his mother and he needs to know that he doesn't have to make a choice between you and his mother. In other words, be his teammate and the two of you should formulate a plan as to how to act/react around his mother. The two of you must learn to not let her get to you. I think your MIL thrives on stirring the pot, so don't react! If you react, you are simply reinforcing her bad behavior and it will continue.

If the situation becomes intolerable, the two of you should start looking for employment opportunities someplace far away. If you have no children yet, you can make a fresh start anywhere you want - you'll never be so free as now. Do not allow this woman to hurt your marriage! Your husband needs you.

Answer 2

I know how you feel.

Have you thought of moving away. Maybe not too far, maybe across country. Just far enough to be away from her where she can't "just stop by". My MIL does the same thing it drives me crazy! The phone works fine, please use it. I am to the point now to maintain my sanity that I do not answer the door half the time. And I had to get heavy curtains so she wouldn't look in.I really think moving would help. If you do move, how about only letting her have your cell phone number and not the house number. And it sounds like you won't be able to give anyone in his family the number she will manipulate them in some way to get it. I know it sounds drastic but it would give you both peace of mind. Maybe your husband would benefit from some counseling too.
It sounds like your husband loves you very much because he didn't listen to his mother. He really does have to be the one to stand up to her. If he doesn't it will continue to happen.
I hope everything works out!
Good luck and God Bless


PS- as for the thank you notes, send them only when you would expect one from one of your family/friends. Does she send thank yous for Christmas or b-day gifts? How about when she stops by unannounced? I think that is ridiculous to expect a thank you for birthday and Christmas gifts. A simple thank you at your Christmas dinner is just fine! The more you do for her the more she will expect and it will never be good enough.

Answer 3

Your MIL sounds like my husbands exwife!! LOL

There is nothing you can really do. Your husband has to be the one to stand up to her, and chances are, if he hasn't done so already, it's not going to happen.

In our situation, the oldest boy had to move out of state to get away from her. One son (a doctor) just doesn't take any of her crap, and for the most part, she ignores him unless she wants something. The youngest, her "favorite", is taking the brunt of "her" and is suffering for it. His attitude and personality have taken a dive, no one in the family can stand to be around him, much less even talk to him on the phone.....

Women like this have serious problems....it's not enough that they are miserable in their own lives, they have to make sure that everyone is miserable too.

Say thank you.....and leave it at that...if you start writing notes, you're likely to forget something, or your handwriting won't be pretty, or SOMETHING that she will complain about anyway...

And of course her husband agrees with her....my husband agreed with his ex for 38 years.....ask yourself what might happen to him if he were to disagree (when they're in private). For my husband, it could be anything from no sex, to no dinner for a week, she'd go on a major shopping spree they couldn't afford, or she'd wake him up in the middle of the night, kicking his ribs as hard as she could. These men learn that it is better to keep their mouths shut.

Good luck....sorry I'm not more help.

Answer 4

It is your husbands job to deal with her and her rudeness. If he does not do this, I would suggest to him that he needs counseling or the both of you go to marriage counseling together. He needs to stand up for you and your marriage if not for just himself. It may get to the point where you will have to tell her off if he won't. I know some would recomend against this, but if he is not going to, someone has to! It will make hime mad, but sometimes we have totell the truth and risk ppl getting mad about it. You do not want this to continue because it will only get worse and may destroy your marriage. Your MIL needs to be put in her place, she is acting like a bully. good luck.

Answer 5

The real question is how much stock your future husband puts in his mom's opinion. She is going no where and will probably continue this behaviour for the rest of your relationship.

If he ignores it and is helping you to deal with it, then that's great. If he is siding with his mom, you need counseling immediately if you are going to make it work.

He is the key to getting your MIL off your back. If he won't put a stop to it, it will go on forever...

Answer 6

I would suggest candidly opting out of family meetings... just come up with something else or don't feel up to it. Distance is the only solution.
Why? Because confrontation will feel good but come between you and hubby.
Then write the odd thank you note - they come ready printed and all you do is sign HIS name on it.. not all the time, but often enough to let her know you know the rules of the game but are simply not playing. That will set some boundaries soon enough.

Answer 7

Oh, EH, I feel your pain, My MIL is a complete pain in my butt, she seems to hate everything about me, and I have been nothing but good to her. I exploded on my hubby once and told him what I thought, but I didn't realize that she was hurting him way more than me. I keep my mouth shut about it now, and see her when I absolutely have to. Otherwise, I go on about my business. I would probably irritate her to no end. Send her ty notes after everything, phone calls, dinners, visits, gifts, etc...Kill her with kindness.

Answer 8

in my experience of listening to friends of mine (my MIL is not like this, but i take everything she suggests with a grain of salt), it won't stop. Sorry. It sounds as if she feels you are not good enough for her son and especially with her grandson. your partner shows signs (from what you say) as a "mommy's boy" no insult intended, i just don't know a better term for it. He will agree with her over you because he doesn't want to upset his mother as that to him is the most important relationship. if you can manage to have a conversation with just the two of you in a place that is not your home or her home (someplace neutral but not public) to let her know how you feel and that what she says is upsetting you than it may be good for you both, however, it might not work because she is stubborn and might see your attempt at reconciliation as a weakness. if that happens you will need to learn to just take what she says with a grain of salt. you spend more time with your child than she does and therefore know what is best for YOUR child. she may have experience with her children but every child is different and you can't raise a two children the same. if she is a mother with more than one child she should know this. good luck, but remember try to not to give your partner an ultimatum as he might pick her over you.

Answer 9

Maybe you should have a little conversation with the MIL.

Tell her you will not under any circumstances tolerate her behavior and if she refuses to at least act cordial with you, then she can stay away.
Let her know she will not bully you around and you will not be kissing her royal hine-a$$.
Let her know that her attempts at sabotaging your relationship or any interference from her will cease and diciest from this point on.

I hope you are mentally prepared for an uphill battle with that old biotch.
And I guarantee it will cause issues with you and your husband.

Answer 10

Is this guy worth all this drama? Remember this is "til death do us part". Good luck. Always send thank you notes for gifts but for dinners and such say it as you leave and leave it at that. This lady is a control freak and uses manners to help her be in that position.