i'm wondering what your opinion is regarding someone with abusive tendencies 'changing their ways'. everything i have read indicates that intensive therapeutic intervention can help the person who is abusive, and my estranged husband is in counseling, but is at the same time still in that same loop of blame, nonaccountability, and denial. i recently moved almost 2000 miles away from him, but we left everything 'open ended' as far as filing for divorce vs. reconciliation. we decided to give it TIME. which is all right and good, but i'm beginning to think that there is no change in sight for him, and to reconcile would mean me going back there, right back to the same lifestyle and BS. he sees no problem with anything he says-does, so am i just hoping against hope that a change is going to happen??
2007-05-21 03:49:08 · 23 answers · asked by sarahjonas 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
by 'abusive tendencies' i mean, the tendency to be verbally and emotionally abusive, name calling, insulting, vague threats, withholding love and sex as a form of 'punishment', and the use of force, albeit not very often, but often enough...pushing shoving, poking, etc. there has only been one incident of serious physical abuse, and that one incident left me with 50% hearing loss in my left ear due to a ruptured eardrum.
2007-05-21 04:04:27 · update #1
You sound like you want this to work. Stay separated for a yr and see if his counseling has helped and see if he views things differently from now. Talk to his counselor also and ask them what they think. They will know more about his recovery and possible behavior.
2007-05-21 04:02:50 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Control freaks male or female don't change. They do learn to hide their actions and do things behind your back. Be afraid, be very afraid. Why are you an ex? What lead up to that? Did you get any counseling after the divorce? If neither of you got counseling and it was bad enough to separate before, then WHY would you consider putting yourself back in that situation? It's only a matter of time before they figure out the new hot buttons to press and get you under control. It's a form of bullying. Look into bullying in the family on-line and read some.
2016-05-18 22:34:45 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What is an abusive tendency?
If he beats on you with some regularity probably no change in the offing.
If it another of the growing list of items that are being labeled as abusive when it really is a case of sticks and stones breal bones but not words, that is another matter.
This may have more to do with your attitude than abuse.
There is no way that I can tell from your question if you are dealing with real abuse or just trying to put a label on him to justify you're leaving.
2007-05-21 03:57:53 · answer #3 · answered by Flagger 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was in a physically abusive relationship in the past, he always said he would change and never did. But, he never tried to get help either. I just feel like those type of people are always the same. Maybe they'll be good for a while, but those abusive tendencies are always there. I always felt sorry for him, he'd never do it again, whatever.Just my opinion, but it seems like you don't really want to go back. Maybe it's time you let yourself be happy and move on.
2007-05-21 03:57:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't care what studies or reports say about this issue; once an abuser, always an abuser. You don't need to be in a relationship like that. Move on and start over in the place that u have moved to.
If he has caused hearing loss, he is probably capable of worse.
2007-05-21 07:53:14 · answer #5 · answered by happily married 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
normally, once they hit you it will never change. It will only get worse. I know this from experience. I was in an abusive relationship for 5 years. My face was put through hotel room walls on numerous occasions, broken nose 4 times, and ended up having heart surgery from my heart stopping due to the hard blow to the back of my head. I still went back!! I thought that I could help him change but, he didn't want to change.
They have to want to change and really mean it. Unfortunately for us, it doesn't happen while we are with them.
My advice is to leave while you are still alive. I know this is a hard thing to do in a relationship like this. You are too important to allow this to keep happening.
Best of luck!!
2007-05-21 04:49:35 · answer #6 · answered by kitty_kaats_go 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You answered your own question. Yes, people can change their behavior if they choose to. But if they don't see any reason to change other than to manipulate others, then I guess they won't change. Don't go back. Get on with your happy life. I have known several abusers and I gotta tell you most of them reverted right back to the same old crap as soon as they got their way. Being abusive works for them. Don't do it. He is who he is. Don't let him define who you are. You deserve a great life. Go live it.
2007-05-21 03:53:28 · answer #7 · answered by whereRyou? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hey...been there done that...if he let u move away move on..his opportunity to reconcile was then..i was married to an abusive wife for 14yrs and tried everything to make it work and get her to change...read countless books on the subject and many a long talks with qualified council...heres the deal...if u still question wether hes gonna change he wont...people either contol or connect..contollers will give u enough to give u hope but when thier worlds back together the same patterns repeat..please save yourself some grief and use your life to pursue happiness
2007-05-21 04:14:59 · answer #8 · answered by t 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Personally, I would consider this relationship a done deal.
You did the right thing by moving away, and you should stay away as well.
If he's still into the blame game and thinks you deserved what you got, then leave him alone and go on with your life.
He's hoping your self esteem is so badly damaged that you will take his sorry butt back because no one else would have him.
2007-05-21 03:55:07 · answer #9 · answered by Ella 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well, I think that they can change. But I don't think that can change with you. Sorry to say. I think that it's kind of like an alcoholic hanging out in a bar and trying not to have a drink. You're his punching bag. He needs to get better but you'll always be his punching bag. Even if he's sorry about it. I think you should move on and pray for him. Then you can both have good lives with other people.
2007-05-21 03:54:05 · answer #10 · answered by shellylori 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I'd stay away, file for divorce and keep my distance from someone like that. And know why? Because I am the one that knows what he's capable of doing and I will not take a 2nd chance of it ever happening again and I will place all the blame on his ***.
2007-05-21 03:54:35 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋