What would you choose?

Question

1. Stay with a husband who ignores you and the kids, but works so you can stay home and care for the kids.

2. Leave husband, get a job, and do it alone.

I love him. I had a father who ignored me and it was awful. I just see the same things happening and I don't know what to do. He really believes he is a great father, but he barely spends any time with our 4 and 1 year old.

My problem is this...I have talked myself silly with him. We have been to counselling, but he believes he is an awesome father and husband and thinks I'm the one with a problem.

Answer 1

Why can't you work together? Isn't that what marriage suppose to be about? The husband is probably just dog tired. If you need so much money that he has to work that hard, then you have to deal with the greedy consequences. Either do something to help with the income or be more supportive of him missing out on the kids growing up. I've been there and I changed my life to include quality time with my kids. Make it work!!!!!

Answer 2

Well, it depends. Can you live the rest of your life being ignored? What are you contributing to the relationship? Sit down with a tablet and a pen, write down how you could possibly live "on your own". Rent, insurance, food, school expenses for children, childcare expenses, transportation costs, entertainment money, supportive family and friends, etc.

Believe me, it isn't easy to "run away from home" with children, minimal money, no job, and no place to live. Assuming you aren't planning to run away without the children. It might be a lot easier on all of you if you get some counseling, either together or individually.

As a minimum, you need to start a "plan". Save money, get some job skills, search the market to get a good idea as to what it actually costs to live on your own, get some supportive people that are willing to help you survive (not a Sugar Daddy!), arrange for counseling for your children (possibly through their school), and figure out how many hours per week you could be available to work for an income. With childcare responsibilities there may not be many hours available for working out of the home.

By the way, have you had any serious conversations with your husband lately? That might be the first step. Much easier to talk now, than while you are trying to pack-up and move out, especially with "his" children, which is how he will see the situation.

Counseling isn't perfect, but it actually forces people to talk and interact, rather than just running away. They may very well split-up even with good counseling, but then you at least know that you tried something prior to leaving.

Of course, it also depends upon where you live, but you will most likely get to keep the house, a guaranteed amount of court ordered child support, and possibly inclusion of the children in the "dads" insurance coverage. Don't make the mistake of thinking you can live the high life on the child support payments.

Think, think, and think again.

Answer 3

#1
Find a way to make it work at least until the kids are grown. I know it sounds like a long time but hopefully you will still be a young woman without too much baggage when they are grown. I know women who are in this situation and get a little "attention" on the side every now and then to stay married.
I hate to say it but if your marriage is over emotionally you both need counseling. You may find that he feels the same way. Don't throw the kids happiness away for yourself. Now if they are suffering you may need a divorce. But speaking from experience, divorce sucks. You will see your kids less and you may be sharing them with a new mom that they don't like.
Just make divorce a last resort.

Also if you have a husband that at least supports you so that you can stay at home, then you probably have a pretty good man. You may want to count your blessings.

***So you have been to a counselor. What did they say about him?

Answer 4

Is it negatively effecting the kids deeply? Do they notice? Perhaps he has trouble relating to them because they are young? If this is the only problem then I would consider waiting until the kids were a older and asking myself the same question in a few years, it's important for them to have attention from at least one parent and if you are always working you won't be able to devote all your time and attention to them either. Unless you are so miserable it's effecting your kids.

Why not plan things as a family, you do the planning for family time and doing things together? Perhaps it would be easier for him rather than just time at home. Before the kids what did the two of you enjoy doing together? Go and do it, take time to nurture the relationship. Sometimes men need help in this area. There are men who have trouble finding ways to connect to small children but are excellent fathers when they are older.

Perhaps you are overly sensitive because of what happened in your own family. Do the kids feel they are being ignored or do you feel that is what he is doing? Be sure your not projecting your past experiences on to them.

Have you told him it's serious enough you are thinking of leaving? Perhaps if you seriously told him he would change rather than losing his family. It's not going to happen overnight though, change is slow.

Answer 5

1

Answer 6

Why don't you do things gradually. Start by getting a part-time job while your still living there. Start getting a social life, with the people you will work with. Then if he sees that you have other involvments he might take notice of the fact that he's not spending enough time with the kids or you. This might change his attitude about spending time together as a family. Then leave if this doesn't work that way you'll already be set up in a job. Good Luck!!

Answer 7

I'm pretty sure he is not ignoring you and your kids, if he was, the bills wouldn't be paid, the kids wouldn't have a roof under their heads, it seems like he is doing his fatherly duty. But it also seems that there are other problems going on other than ignoring you. If you leave and get a job and do it alone, its not as easy as you think. There are alot of stress factors involved, and maybe your husband is dealing with all of them by himself right now, since he's the sole provider right now.
Why do you have to leave and do it alone? why dont you get a job also? 2 incomes in a household is a lot better than 1.
Maybe your husband is old fashioned.

Answer 8

Tough question. If he is a good man- home at night , no cheating, no abuse, etc. I say hold onto him. He is taking care of you and his children and believe me it is nice to be able to stay home and raise your own children. I raised my children by myself and it is no picnic. I had to work so many hours to pay the bills that I missed so much of them growing up. I think that you need to find something that makes you happy. You need to set aside some time to take a class or go out with your friends so that you do not feel so left alone. He should have to spend that one night with the kids to take care of them.This way he will be spending some time with the kids and you will do something for yourself. Don't ask him - tell him that this is what has to be done. Sometimes when you start to get interested in something else- it distracts you - you kind of loosen up on him and everything falls into place.

Answer 9

So tell him you want to get a job as well. Work the second shift. That way he'll have no choice but to sit with the kids. And you could also leave him a "honey-do" list of the things you couldn't complete during the day.

If you need additional help around the house with the chores, you could always hire a maid for one or two days out of the month. It'll give you some extra free time for yourself.

Answer 10

What's more important to you? If you leave your husband and go off to work then your kids have no one home with them. Not that daycare is bad, but if you're really concerned about spending time with your kids then it seems like option #1 is the way to go.

Also, it sounds like your definition of enough time & your husband's definition are completely different. Sit down & discuss this together. Listen with an open mind. This may be a non-issue.