My wife cannot get over her 'ex' Husband and what he did?

Question

She constantly assumes that i will do the same thing. How many others find there 'ex' a troublesome memory?

He used to fool around allot and was violent occassionally etc etc..... The usuall sort of ####hole.

Answer 1

Just keep reminding her that you're not him. At some point, she's going to have to let it go if there's any chance for you two to be happy together. She needs patience from you but there's only so much YOU can do and she might need some counseling to help deal with it.

Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

Linda Ellerbee, did a segment on Nickaloden about "Kids of Cons" Living with a parent incartcerated, or had been incarcerated. These kids are judged, ridiculed, and tormented by everyone including other adults. In the end of the segment she made an awsome statement.

"You are not responsible for the actions of ANYONE else, but you have to take responsibility for your own actions. It is not your place to pay for someone elses mistakes."

I recommend saying something to her, let hewr know she is going to have to deal with it. Tell her she's bringing a bad thing into your marriage. Tell her "this is never the way you saw being married," and make sure she knows every minute she adds it, that takes away from both of your happiness together, and WHY is he even part of that? I would give the ultimatm, if you are doing nothing like he did, Deal with it, or it WILL burn the marriage out, and you are not spending your marriage like that. She would be doing the same thing to you as he did to her. Bringing something into the marriage that affects the other person. I'd also look at staying at your parents, be there though or she will never trust you. Just go, say nothing, and call from there, make the call less than 5 min. She will realize it's driving you away same as he did to her. She has to want to fix it.
I would ask her, how do you think it makes you feel when she talks about him so much, and are suffering for his problems.
Any "ex" situation job, friend, lanlord, marriage, has affects even if they are good ones.

Answer 3

You don't say how long you've both been together or how long she's been split from her ex, but either way, this will take some time.

You can help a lot by NOT behaving like her ex, as time goes on, she'll begin to have the bad programmes written in her head by her ex......over written by you.

She though also needs to take some responsibility in removing some of the damage that was done to her in the past.

I've been in this situation from an ex who was a bullying pig....mostly with his mouth. We've been divorced for 12 years now & I'm re-married, but it was quite hard at first......over the years I've filled my mind with motivational songs....read articles to build myself up again & took up cycling & weight training.....trust me! I would never ever be in the situation I was in all those years ago.....I would never allow anyone to take the piss out of me again.

Your wife isn't just going to get strong or learn how to defend herself in the future, or even against her ex, without putting some energy & effort into it.....if you have access to the internet at home, encourage her to research into self help articles & ways of building confidence & self esteem plus articles on trusting herself, because all of that will have been destroyed.....
There is hope though, it doesn't always have to be this way....

She'll have enormous trust issues...........for gods sake, don't go & do something causing the issues to get even bigger for her......

Answer 4

Hmm she married to soon. She is no good until she let's go of the emotions attached to her past. If she is set in her mind that the past will repeat itself I am not so sure you are the one to demonstrate otherwise. With this type of emotional entrenchment you can never be right no matter what you do. I suggest you be yourself and she will get through her anger or she won't. Justifying yourself all the time does not make for a desire to be with your wife companion. Try agreeing with her for a while and see what happens. I do not mean take the action that corresponds with her anger. I mean when she goes there agree and then start a new topic. I always say you can't argue with yourself, or can you.

Answer 5

you do not say how long you have been with her, but i was the same as your wife and i took it out of my new husband although i look back now and know that it was wrong it took me a long time to trust someone else and in time ur wife will also trust you but how long it will take depends on what her first husband did to her. Be patient and if she keeps asking you questions its just her way of getting to trust her. thank god my second husband was understanding and he really help me get through it but it took a few years and now after being together for 12 years everything is great and know i would trust him with my life and i worship the ground he walks on because if it was not for him i think i would still me all mixed up inside. if you do love her then just be understanding and in time the bad memories she has of her ex will disappear, just keep on reassuring her the best of luck to the both of you.

Answer 6

i would say shower her with affection and the occasional surprise, but be careful! you don't want her to feel anxious, or give her a fright. make sure if it is a surprise, that it is obviously something nice (blindfolds and mystery drives are out for a while, lol) and that she knows it is from you. if you know what her ex did to her, then you will know what things to stay well away from. oh, and tell her you love her at least once every day, and never miss an opportunity for a warm hug. it will take her a while to get over her ex, but i don't think its impossible. just keep showing her how much you love her. all the best mate! :D

Answer 7

She will always have the fears in her mind because of what her ex did. My fiance and I have similar issues. He does all that he can to just be supportive and understanding of my past situation. It is hard for him and I know it weighs on him at times, but the more time we've spent talking about it, the better I've felt because it shows me that he's a different person than my ex!! Just give her as much time as she needs, patience is the best advice I can give.

Answer 8

Sound's like your wife remarried to fast..She obviously was not completely over her last marriage and you cannot start a new relationship until the old one is completelt put in the past..I suggest that your wife get some counseling or your marriage is going to be doomed for failure.Your wife need's to work out all of her insecurity issues..

Answer 9

you would be on the curb if you "confused" or "paralleled" her to an ex of yours on a daily basis I am sure... Time will probably make it worse and any perceived use of force (even casually pointing these projections out to her)will put you into more and more a place of opposition and not partnership. Simply.... professional help. for her... perhaps the first session could be the two of you , but she will need time with a therapist alone to get to the truth inside herself. this could be a lot bigger and more complex than you ever imagined.... ahhh we are all such touchy easily dented emotional animals.... good luck. if she doesn't agree.... well you are already getting punished for the crimes of her ex...... sooooo you can use that as your catalyst to wreak havoc or cheat and jump on the blame wagon yourself.... hahha good luck to you both

Answer 10

Speaking from experience, I was like your wife. It will take a lot of love and understanding on your part to make her trust again. It has nothing to do with you as a person its just she has got to fight those internal demons.

My ex was a heavy drinker, when I met my now husband I used to freak out if I smelt alcohol on his breath even if he had just one beer my mind would be in overdrive thinking he was not going to stop at one.... and one thing would lead to the next.

Be patient with her and reassure her, she will trust again.