Please give me advice on my life situation. Long question.?

Question

Just a warning this is long.

About 3 years ago I met my ex boyfriend. Our relationship started off hard . . . but we learned a lot about each other and in about 6 months we moved in together and started a succesful and loving relationship.

We didnt have everything in common, but I still loved him and respected him. We did things together quite often, but still made time for our own friends. I was happy, and I was leading probably the most perfect life anybody could think of. The problem was location. I hated living in Phoenix Arizona and wanted to move to a place that had more culture and artistic things happening.

We decided that we would do travel work together (we are both in the healthcare field) but at the last minute he said no. For a couple of weeks I talked to my friends and all that and decided that I should move out of Phoenix AZ to follow my dreams of getting back into music and meeting new people in that field. The scene in Phoenix is very bad or I would have

stayed.

I told him about my decision and he agreed that I should focus on my goals and not dedicate my life to him. Now I've moved to the Boston area as I thought it would be a more cultural place, and I'm finding that I really just dont like it. I am constantly thinking about my ex and I feel like I've made a mistake coming here.

I've talked to him about this, and he says I'm just focusing too much on him again and not on myself. I have to agree with this, however my heart just wants him back in my life as my lover. We'v both made mistakes in this relationship, but I just dont feel happy without him around.

THe problem is my constant struggle with my goals in relationships and my goals in life. I'm just sick of the constant struggle over one or the other. I just want to be happy and I'm finding it hard. Sometimes he talks about moving here, but then he says he's not sure. I dont know what to think. I dont know what to do.

Should I call him and ask if I can go back?

But if I do go back, then I'll wonder if I'm making the right decision living somewhere that I hate.

I've been going through these emotions for 3 years now. Can someone please give me some guidance? I'm almost to the point of tears with this mess. I miss him so much.

Thank you.

P.S.

He is coming to visit here in 2 weeks (he has family here) and we'll be hanging out. He's also mentioned it would be OK that I visit him in like August. What does that all mean? Its hard for me to know.

To people who are asking . . .

He decided against moving because his house cannot be sold for another year without incurring some large fee or what not because of the loan he chose. I guess a large cut will go to taxes and he would end up selling it for a loss.

Another reason he was against moving is because of how much it costs to live here compared to Phoenix AZ. However he's brought up to me this a lot "Figure out how much I get paid for in my field there." or he used to say he'd be in Phoenix over 5 years, but now he says "Well maybe in a year I'll move there because I miss my family and I do miss you." and things like that.

But last time we talked he said that I needed to face reality and we needed to distance ourselves from each other. Yet he says those other things to me. Its very confusing for me. The whole situation is. I asked him if we could have al ong talk when he visits and he says everything has already been said. Plus the fact he's visiting . . confusing

To the poster who commented on Boston's music scene, is that a joke? Boston is home to Berklee College of music, and has a million places to play music at. Yes I did research, you think I blindly picked a place?

I used to live in LA, it supports pop music a lot but not a lot of indie or alternative acts which I am into. If you go to craigslist.com there are over 100 musician ads a day in Boston compared to the 10 or so in Phoenix. Yes I did research. No I dont like the place.

Answer 1

I feel for ya. That is a tough one. But the problem is...you already know you are unhappy in Phoenix, and that was when you were with your boyfriend. So what is moving back there going to solve? So you are happy for a while, but it's going to go back to the same thing again in no time. You are going to feel stifled and unhappy. Ideally, he moves with you to wherever you think the music is. But the problem with that scenerio is that it takes two to make that decision, and it doesn't sound like moving is in his immediate plans. In general, people are attracted to happy, fulfilled people. And you need to do that for yourself. You can't wait for another person to do that for you. I think you should concentrate on where you are personally headed, career wise, put all your time and effort into that. Boston doesn't do it for you, how about New York or Philly? (I don't have a clue about the music scene!) Find something that works for you. Once you get established and find success, he may be more willing to make the move, as well. OR NOT!! But unfortunately, you can't control what he does. Maybe, once you find that happy person inside yourself, the rest will follow. I agree that for now, you distance yourself from each other as he suggests. If it was meant to be, it will happen. Good luck, hope this helps!!

Answer 2

You've been going through these emotions for 3 years? Thats a sign! Relationship aside, why would anyone move to Boston to get "back into music"? Did you do any research before moving to Boston? I guess it depends on what kind of music scene you are into.

Los Angeles seems obvious for the music industry or "artistic things" for that matter. Santa Fe would have been better than Boston.

I'm sure you will figure it out. One thing does seem certain, you and your "bf" aren't on the same page.

EDIT: It wasn't a joke. Boston isn't a music mecca. And just because there is a music college there doesn't change that fact. Obviously you still chose wrong. A million places to play music at, huh? Are you going to school or playing gigs here and there? By the way you talked about it, it didn't and still doesn't sound like you thought out your decision.

In LA, alI I ever see are indie and alternative acts. Maybe its a fluke? Its neither here nor there ... the issue is that you haven't let go of your relationship, and its holding you back.

You'll have the rest of your life to figure it out. Good luck.

Answer 3

I have lived in 7 countries on 4 continents, so I understand what it means to move.

I have learned one very important thing as a result of all those moves: I always take myself with me wherever I go. If I am having problems of any kind, the root is always me. I am the problem. It's not the place.

Your ex is not the problem either. The things he is saying are not what's wrong.

Your attitude about your separation is what you should take a look at. It's plain you're unhappy, and you're upset that you don't seem to be able to control the situation.

You have only these choices:
1. Fret over the separation, wait for the visit projecting the outcome you think would be best, and be miserable.
2. Accept the separation for what it is - the end of the relationship, wait for the visit without predicting the outcome, and be happy.
3. Choose to completely end the relationship and decline his upcoming visit.

I may be wrong, but that's how I see it. In my experience, the place is never the problem.

Have you thought of talking to a professional counselor of some kind? They're there to help.

Answer 4

Finding a balance in any relationship is not easy but when you do everything else just falls into place. You say you were living the perfect life but the location was the issue. Now you have moved and this location is still not for you. You left your BF coz u wanted to pursue your goals and dreams and he supported you. Well done to him. Now if you want to go back talk to him and try to figure out what the best solution will be. Try to figure it out together. Could he not move to be with you. Both of you try out a new place together. Maybe you r not enjoying Boston because he is not with you. Remember it's not the location that makes a relationship work. It's the persons involved.

Answer 5

Honestly I really think you should stay with your current boyfriend even though you don't see each other as much as you would like. I know that you probably feel like you don't get the attention you want or need from your boyfriend and this guy that wants to go out with you is showing interest in you and I think that you are just flattered and he is showing interest in you and that can all feel very good. I don't think you should try to go after this guy because you already have a good thing going and what if this guy turns out to be a jerk or someone you don't like in the long run? It's not worth the risk and your boyfriend sounds like a nice guy just a little shy but whatever you decide just remember to follow your heart.

Answer 6

You are kind of like in "suspended animation" because you are hooking all your hopes and dreams waiting on his decision of what to do. I think you might be a "needy" person. You are basing your happiness on what he does instead of on what you do. I know you don't want to hear that now, though.

You have to remember that there is no "one" person for you. There are many people out there that you can be happy with. It is hard to believe, but it is true.

If you don't want to leave Boston, don't wait for your old b/f to come to you. Go out and meet others. Get out there. Meet others. (Let me repeat myself.) Go out and meet others. Have at least *10 dates* with other guys before you think of the problem again.

If you don't like Boston, make a list of cities that might qualify and make a tour of them. Move to each one to see how they feel. After you find the perfect place, then look for the perfect relationship.

If you are simply lonely, have a platonic roommate who can go out places and do things with you.

And don't overlook counseling. 3 years is too long to suffer with a problem.

Answer 7

If you stayed, now that you would be staying for the sake of a relationship, would you begin to resent the relationship, or could you stay and let it pass? You have to consider that your partner was able to decide to choose Phoenix even though he knew the relationship would be affected.

If you left, would you be miserable because you left? Or would you be able to leave with a postive view of the future, with the knowledge that you'd had a good relationship that you could be grateful for. Could you move on in life satisfied and happy with the experience and without carrying regrets with you?

Answer 8

Sounds like you're confused as to where to focus your energy on, You have to decide whether you're going to follow your heart {as far as your ex-boyfriend goes} or do what you have a passion for {your music}. Maybe once you start going out to different bars and clubs you may run across someone who will make you forget your ex, Good Luck!

Answer 9

Once you decide to spoend your life with someone you are stuck making decisions together. If you want to experience other things or move then you have to do it. You will meet someone else or maybe your boyfriend will come to visit and like the area you are moving to and decide to stay. I say travel or move, if you dont you will regret it the rest of your life and it may ruin your relationship because you will resent him for holding you back.

Answer 10

The problem here is that you aren't together, but you haven't let go. You won't find happiness in the present while you're hanging on to, and idealizing, the past.

If the two of you can't decide to be together, it might be better to cut off contact, completely, to give yourselves time to heal and adjust.