Spoiled in bed?

Question

My husband of 16 years only does quickies for last 13 years. He's not interested in my needs.

My previous love spoiled me with great sex for 3 years. Even though it was 20 years ago I still think of him. He was 10 years younger, just getting started, moved away. Even though, we kept seeing each other and talked on the phone all the time. But I decided to have a child. He wasn't ready. Ironically he got his next girlfriend pregnant so our children are the same age!

I appreciate my husband for his good qualities, but my frustration is leading me into temptation. I am afraid if this continues, we will split up and that will hurt our children.

He's also depressed, controlling and emotionally abusive, so I feel weakened. I am in therapy but I can't seem to get the will and money to move out. I had really bad cancer and am not in great health, so it seems easier to stay.

My husband won't go to a therapist with me.

Answer 1

Its not just the sex thing that is making you unhappy its the fact that your husband is in control of everything. You ARE in an abusive relationship and the fact that he wont go to counselling with you is proof of that because he doesnt see he has a problem....He sees you as the problem....that is very typical for an abuser. You may have had really bad cancer, but I think your mental health is suffering more than your physical health is. Where there is a will there is a way. If youre not careful you will be on your death bed wondering what your life has been for. You will be searching your life to remember the good times, but unfortunately you wont be able to find many. We only live once. We can choose to be miserable, or we can choose a different path. There will always be reasons why we stay in a miserable marriage, but you have to decide if those reasons are enough to keep you chained to unhappiness. If your mental health was a little better you would probably be able to deal better with your physical health. Stress and depression will affect your physical health too you know.....more than you think. I guess the first thing you need to do is get a healthy mind. Once your mind is healthy and strong you will be able to do anything you want to do. Get your mental health strong, then maybe you will find the strength to move on and find happiness for yourself.

Answer 2

I propose a few extreme answers. I am in the opposite situation. I make the money and the kids won't be able to go to college if I leave... anyway... here is what we did and what did and didn't work.

We were swingers for a few years. It was fantastic. I got to have great sex with women who knew what they were doing and would take the time to do it right. It was the best sex I have ever had. The wife didn't get such a great response because she was just 'there' sexually. No real enthusiasm or effort. She became jealous of the attention I got and I didn't like sleeping around so we quit. Now I see two women just for sex. One is married and in a similar situation as you. Her hubby is rotten in bed. The other is a professional woman with no time for marriage. I connect deeply with both women but we all know that I won't strand my kids. Before you think I am a heel and just a user... you should know that my wife is like a child. I take care of everything. I cook and clean and take care of the kids because she can't (or won't)

I tried EVERYTHING else... counseling, every form of behavior change... she just won't take sex serious. So I took care of it myself.

I think you should do the same. He has about a .001% chance of changing so either give up on sex or find a new sex buddy!

Answer 3

You are right, it does seem easier to stay. How about you tell him you want to order some sexy stuff for you both to enjoy? Would he go for that idea? You could get a nurses uniform and give him a complete exam. Get some toys. Those quickies for the past 13 years are fine with him. He is satisfied and doesn't care to make sure you are satisfied. If he won't go along with this idea, just go to a Priscilla's Sex Shop (in the Kansas City area) or somewhere similar and buy yourself some sex toys you can use yourself. Leave him out of the equasion. Go for the quickie and then pleasure yourself later when he is busy sleeping.

Answer 4

I stayed in a one way relationship for 18 years and I wasted a lot of time into something that didn't work out in the end.. My heart goes out to you because your husband doesn't care about your needs or wants in bed. I also went to counseling for over a year. He went with me three times. He said I was the one with the problem (not him) He was cheating on me the whole time, now when I look back on the past it's like all the signs were there but I refused to see them. I am now with a man that is great in and out of the bed. He always says that my ex husbands loss is his gain... You have to make the decision on whats best for you and your kids and until your sick of being mistreated your stuck with him. You have to find the strength to become strong. It's really scary to walk away, but is it better to be with someone and be alone? Or be alone and be able to find someone that will love you and treat you like a woman should be treated??? You just have to find your way and when there's a will there is a way! Good luck!!

Answer 5

Been there, done that, didn't even get the t-shirt.

Be strong, know that you are valuable part of the relationship.

In any other room than the bedroom, and any other time than right after or right before sex, flat out tell hubbie that there will be no more wham bam thank you ma'am. You have needs and these are what they are (have them figured out before the conversation) Be specific with your wants/don't wants.

Answer 6

you have chose a ordinary for him. A heat bath, brush tooth, placed him on your lap and examine him a short bedtime tale.additionally a heat bottle/sippy cup is advantageous and is calming for them. permit him recognize that's night night time and that mommy loves him. placed him in mattress and pass away. close the door at the back of you. supply him 10-quarter-hour of crying, them in keeping with probability inspect him ( the 1st time). If he keeps, try longer. He could choose to cry it out. that's harder on the mummy and father then that's on the new child. additionally- Is he apprehensive of the darkish? ( in keeping with probability get a night easy). Does he have something to snuggle with in mattress ( a splash blankey bear, fuzzy blanket)? Does he have a tummy soreness, teething? you besides could could could desire to start a splash in the past to place him in mattress. the different ingredient is, placed him in mattress while he's getting sleepy no longer while he's already asleep. while they awaken from this state they're perplexed as they do no longer seem to be interior an identical place they have been while they fell asleep. the different option probable is the different- protecting him up a splash later? Then pass the mattress time up further and extra. i could purely try this as a final motel. stable success to you!!!

Answer 7

Wow!.. I cant think of any helpful advice to give you, but I just wanted to say that I am sorry you are going through this right now! I really hope things work out for you! Like someone already said, you should pray! Again, I hope things work out, and soon! Good luck!

Answer 8

After the 3 good sex years. I don't know how you have lasted 13 lousy years. Have an affair that will make you feel better. Not with just anyone but with someone you truly like.

Answer 9

Somehow you have to force your husband to see the gravity of the situation. If he sees how deperate you are and still won't make concessions then you might have your answer.

Answer 10

If your husband refuses to get professioanl counseling with you, there's not much you can do, but join the thousands of women who stay because they know it's the better of two bad situations.