My wife left me and I'm totally lost and confused.?

Question

My wife of 3 yrs left me 2 weeks ago, because I was verable abusive. I've been crying everyday, and I don't know what else to do. She finally called me and told me there was no hope of working things out, then she called me back and told me we could try to work things out, but since then she hasn't called for 2 days. I can't breath without her and i'm so confused what she wants from me. I sweared I would change but I think I've done to much damage to her. If she is serious about giving me another chance, why doesn't she just come home, or at least call me? How much suffering should I take?

Answer 1

you need to call her and tell her how much you love her and show it women need attention just like men and good communication im seperated from my husband 2 months today and i just got the nerve to call him this morning and im calling him tonight and if he picks up the phone then we will talk but why cant you call her be the better person like me at least you gave it a try gl to ya hope we both have happy endings jewels

Answer 2

I think you need to change the way you communicate to her, seems like maybe you said something wrong or critical or nonsupportive, etc on the last conversation you had, really it would sound like thats why she hasn't called in 2 days after saying you 2 could try to work thing out. Until you create a safe enviroment she may never come back or may have a hard time talking with you. And the suffering part .... as long as it take to win her back, don't give up. If you know your are verbally abusive, then take the steps to change, maybe you need to show her you are changing, seek some professional help or something, discover why you are that way and seek to change. Put Love into your communication and stop being defensive and she'll come around.

Answer 3

Get counselling. If you are indeed verbally abusive, as she claims (and a lot of people are but don't realize it) it won't just go away on it's own no matter how much you think you can control it. And you won't be any good to anyone until you get to the root of the problem and deal with it.

This sort of damage goes very deep and needs a lot of time and positive feedback to start the healing process. Sometimes a person can never heal from it. Most times they don't even realize the damage has occurred until much later on and when it hits, it hits hard, but can still be dealt with.

As hurting as you are, work on yourself first. If she actually does want to come back, the wise thing to do is to let her know you want that too but it can't happen until you've dealt with yourself first. That alone goes a long way to regaining trust for both of you.

Answer 4

Well, at this point the well deserved beatings others have given you will be of little help. This is what needs to happen immediately:
** Set up an appointment to see a therapist, immediately (action). The focus is on anger management, stress management, conflict resolution , problem solving and impulse control. Don't venture anywhere else (e.g., childhood issues, bad toilet training, etc.). Seek out a cognitive behavioral or behavioral therapist-- ignore the others!
** Show up at first appointment ready to work hard. Insist on homework and don't leave the session w/o it. Ask for an appointment either later that week or ASAP. (action)
** Work out-- get physical to decrease tension and pent up emotion (action)
** When she calls, don't beg or ask her to come back... don't discuss her returning as this sounds desperate. Tell her you're gotten in therapy (action step) and leave it at that. The more you chase, the more she will run! Remember that therapy is not for her or for you guys getting together, it's for you to heal and learn some basic social skills- period! You will need them here and elsewhere should she leave you.
** If she returns, continue your therapy no matter what-- you need to change before she can (action). If she wants couples therapy, consider this after you've been in therapy 4-6 times by yourself, no sooner.
** Develop social outlets... friendships that strengthen you and not those that give you negative vibes and feedback (e.g., beer drinking buddies that complain about their spouses, single guys looking for a good time, etc.)
** make a simple, concrete, behavioral action plan for yourself for the next 3 months, of what you will do differently regarding your anger and hostile behavior. Don't deviate from it unless it needs to be fine tuned. The plan is your blueprint for change and success. It should have 1-2 goals with 3-4 objectives and then tasks you will engage in to accomplish the plan.
** Finally, read and read, whether you like it or not, if you want to heal or to have her back, read. The Feeling Good Handbook; The Dance of Anger, etc.

Good Luck!

Answer 5

How much suffering should you take? Are you kidding? This isn't all about YOU. This is about you being verbally abusive to your wife and her finally leaving you. If you want another chance with her, then you need to get yourself into some counseling and see why you would treat her that way. It will give you some insight and give you some techniques to stop. If you call a family counselor on Monday and make an appointment, that is a good start. I wouldn't think your wife will move back in until you have proved that you have changed. She isn't moving back in only to be verbally abused again. Get some help or she won't be back.

Answer 6

Ask yourself how much suffering SHE took from YOU before she finally had enough. That would be a good place to start, and I bet it will take you a long time to match it. Face it, you've done a lot of damage here with your behavior.

Whether she comes back or not, you obviously have a problem. If you don't deal with it now, you'll bring it into your next relationship, and the next and the next, and the result will be the same. Do yourself and the women of the world a favor, and deal with your problem in therapy. Do it right away and do it whether or not your wife comes back.

Answer 7

How much suffering should you take ? As much as possible i say. You have no right to want her back and you have no right to ask her to come back to you not after what you put her through. I mean hey, you married her and promised to love and be faithful to her. you also promised to honor her and love her every day for the rest of your life. You broke all that the first time you were verbally abusive to her. She has every right to not want to come home, she doesn't feel loved or safe around you. I don't blame her. You're paying for all you did to her now and hey you need to get this anger management verbal abusive crap taken care of get some counseling or else it wont do you any good around friends or relatives to have this problem getting bigger.

Answer 8

I'm sorry you are suffering.... but by being verbally abusive to your wife, think of the 3 years of suffering she has gone through.

Now then. If you Want to save your marriage, I think the ball is in your court.

Call your wife and ask her if she really wants to try to work it out. If she says yes, then suggest marriage counseling. Then DO IT. Don't just promise her you will go, call make the appointment and go to the therapist with her. Be willing to do EVERYTHING the therapist tell you to do.

and maybe just maybe you really can work it out. If You Try.

Answer 9

Unfortantly, you should be glad she even said that. Verbal abuse is WORSE than being PHYSICALLY beaten. Cuts and wounds can heal witin 2 weeks, the things you said...will stick with her forever...even when she gets over them. She only called you because she loves and misses you a lot. She has a lot to think about, and frankly I hope she decides on not coming back. You wont stop unless you put yourself through consonsuling. DONT tell her you will do right...take action and SHOW her.

Answer 10

You need to be the one to claim her back....and if you are wanting to change your ways, then you need to prove to her that you are serious about this change. I know how it feels to be abused that way....she is just cooling off and collecting herself.....give her time, but also let her know that you are serious about changing and that you are willing to seek counseling for your abusive ways...do anything and everything to get her back. However, the anything and everything has to be done from the heart, not just to get her back,.,......you have to mean what you do....I hope that things work out for you....Kimmie