how does one start the process of healing?

Question

i just left my husband of four years and moved 1800 miles away. there were elements of domestic abuse involved,he beat me pretty badin december, but i'm a big girl, and don't consider myself physically abused. but he would constantly keep love and sex from me as 'punishment', would be gone all the time, and now that i'm actaully gone, he's doing everything in his power to make himself out to be the victim. i just want to start over, me and my kid left everything behind for the sake of our safety and sanity. why, then, does he be all nice one minute, for almost two weeks now, then calls me this morning and threatens me with this and that, tells me i'm a piece of crap and no one loves me and i'm incapable of being good to people. i just want to heal from this and move on. but i have no idea how. i'm scared to death and feel like the piece of crap he tells me i am. where do i begin?? how do i start??

by the way, since it's come up in answers, my child is not his child biologically. he is not the adoptive parent ofmy son, either.

Answer 1

The process of healing has started!!!! You have done what many women dream of doing but never get to it!!! You have shown that man that he is the piece of crap and that he is not deserving of you... You are much better and deserve better than him. Remember we only have one life to live and every second of it should be great .... not living in fear.... to see if our spouse is going to be mad today and talk crazy stuff.... You are healing and it took big ba#@s to do what you have done/ Moved on!! Good Luck- A perfect companion is out in the world looking for you and you deserve it!!!

Answer 2

Sarah, if the child does not belong to him, then why is he calling you? Why are you allowing him to still abuse you? You are physically abused and your self esteem is shot too. How do you feel like crap, if you are not the one that have the problem such as he have? You began by getting help for the abuse. You sit down and write him a letter with all the things and feelings you have ( no threats) change your phone number, make a copy of the letter you wrote him with the point to him ... that if he threaten you one more time, you will file charges against him and let him know that you are and will no longer be his punching bag so he need to know if he think about coming after you, you will protect yourself. Get a gun permit and a gun. If you think this is not serious then your wrong. The only thing that was different with my abuser, he didn't know that I could fight. He didn't know that fear made me angery instead of scared. So when I last talked to him and told him, if he knocked at my door one more time I would be charged, then I had no problems with him ever again. Believe me, this man will run up on the right female and they will give him a run for his money. Don't let him continue talking to you. I don't know what you are holding onto, you see he was incapable of being a real man let alone a good husband. Girl, I wished I could write the letter for you. Seriously, you need to stop all contact with him. He will never change. They ( abusers ) will tell you what you like to hear and then their true self have to show up. Like he was good for 2 weeks and then WAM! he's right back being abusive. That's who and what he is. You went 1800 miles away from him. Why are you allowing him to make you feel like nothing in a brand new place? Do Not jump onto another relationship as yet. I say this because, just like you picked this loser, chances are, you'll pick another one like that one. Find out who you are and what you want in life. Center your time around your son and a new life for you. If you start to date, then do just that, do not look to fall in love. Look into getting your legal separation from the abuser and then your divorce. In the court papers, you name the problem just what it is. ABUSE!!! Join a gym, take a class, change your hair, but most of all... Change your hurt feelings, you are worth allot. Why do you think he keeps trying to make you believe that you are not. He knows your quilities and he don't want anybody else to get to know them. Good luck and God will Bless you.

Answer 3

I am still recovering from my failed marriage.....been seperated for 2 1/2 years......... he was very abusive to me in many many ways. He told me while we were together that I was fat and ugly..... no man would want me because of this and that to him I was the lowest piece of crap he could think of. He and his mother often told me how immature I was, how I did not know what responsibility was, etc... When I left my husband I moved into a motel right down the street from where we lived together. After I left him he threatened me with "If I can't have you nobody can or ever will!!!!!!" I have been able to start healing with the love of my friends, family, and co-workers that knew what was going on. My family's support was the most helpful. I have been with a guy now for almost two years........ I thought I was thru healing from the trama of my marriage......... and we have a 1 year old son together. My husband has found out about the pregnancy and the birth of my son (how I don't know we live in al and he lives in tx) and has been sending threats to me, my bf and our son. I'm now more sure than ever before that I am not fully recovered from this man and his abuse. I probably never will be. We now have been legally married for almost nine years, with a divorce pending(which he will not sign and send back), I am still scared for my life and of what this man can and/or will do to me in the future. I also forgot to mention that he made me out to be the whore of the town and that I was the abusive one........... I'm only now 27.

Answer 4

Please dont mistake his "niceness" as genuine. An abuser is a control freak.....he needs things to be his way or no way. The nice approach didnt work, so he tries a different approach....he verbally abuses you. You might be a big girl, but you are still a victim of abuse...physically, emotionally and mentally.....dont ignore that fact....You are the victim here and stand strong. Maybe just change your phone number, so he hasnt got the opportunity to make you feel bad. The first process of healing is to use your self control. You have to make things happen, and as much as you are probably still in love with him, you have to do things to not be influenced by him....change your phone number. The less contact you have with him the better. He is not a good father and your daughter has probably been damaged by witnessing his abuse already....so she doesnt need him in her life, so get that right out of your mind. You took a huge step in moving 1800 miles away to get away from him, now change your phone number and refuse to have anything to do with him anymore. Then when youve done that, you can deal more effectively with your grief. Get into counselling if you can....it does help. I hope you have spoken to a counsellor who is experienced and qualified with abuse....if not, I strongly suggest you do because your husband has done some pretty horrific damage to your mind. Dont ever underestimate what he has done to you....what damage he has done to his daughter. Take this damage seriously, then maybe it will be easier for you to start your healing. If you want to talk, please feel free...I have a good ear.

Take care.

Answer 5

You are not the problem. Sounds like he needs some serious help but you're not the one to take on that role. And he won't get help until he realizes he needs it. You did the right thing and you know it.

Verbal and emotional abuse are often much worse than physical. You never have the physical scars as proof, just self-doubt. Time to set boundaries for yourself. The minute he starts to lay into you or imply anything negative, you are well within your moral and ethical rights to point out he's stepped out of line and that if he continues to speak to you with so little respect that you will terminate the conversation and accept no further calls from him (hope you have call-display)

And you just start over. Won't happen any time too soon but it does get better, as long as you stay true to yourself. If you can get counselling for yourself as well (and the kids), all the better. You'll make new friends. Just be careful not to appear too vulnerable for their are emotional vampires out there who unconsciously seek out the weak and if you're not very careful, the pattern will continue. Thus the advice to get counselling.

Answer 6

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this! I know you're scared, but you've taken the first of many steps to make this better.

First off, you are NOT what he thinks of you! You are a brave lady with the guts to leave that abusive jerk. You have been physically and emotionally abused and YOU are the victim! He's trying to manipulate you into coming back to him and control you or abuse you even worse than before.

Please seek out some help... a domestic abuse hotline (check your phone book for a local number), family, friends, and get some much needed support. Good luck!

Answer 7

Hon, you have been more than physically abused...you were/are emotionally and mentally abused as well. Reading this makes me want to scream...

I have the same problem. My soon to be ex (after 17 years) has made himself out to look like the victim...even after his family witnessed him beat me up. He's an abusive alcoholic who is not above lies and manipulation to make me look like the perpetrator in all of this.

The only answer I have to offer you is that the answer you seek is different for everyone. You will do well to change your number, provide it to just ONE person you TRUST, who knows him so that if there is a MAJOR family emergency you can be contacted; otherwise keep yourself out of contact with him. Yes, it is necessary for your baby to be in touch with him, so when you call for the little one and him to talk, dial *67 before you call the number, that way your number is blocked from caller ID. I programmed it in the phone on my ex's number...I programmed in *67 919 ####...that way, I won't ever forget to dial the *67 first.

In answer to your second question, he's nice one minute, then nasty the next because you aren't crawling back to him when he's being nice. Your husband was an abusive control freak and now that you have moved, you are out of his grasp; you have taken his power and control away from him. He's angry and he will definitely lash out at you. He will tell lies, he will manipulate and he will drag you through the dirt when it comes to court. Prepare yourself now for your husband at his worst. And just when you think it can't get any worse, watch out. He's planning and scheming for more ways to make you hurt.

Whatever you do, don't take him at his word and go back. I made that mistake and he beat me up just a month later. You are away from him, you are safe and you are a person of value. Don't let him demean or belittle you.

If you want to talk and vent...I'm here and I'm on the same side of the fist as you.

Answer 8

Since you have no biological children with this man you have no ties to him. You don't have to talk to him. When he calls tell talk to my lawyer. Once the divorce is final you don't need to have any more contact with him. My ex-husband did the same thing. Nice to me one minute and calling me everything but a white girl the next. And yes he played the victim to everyone he talked to. To be honest I don't care. I have 2 children with him and I only talk to him if it pertains to the kids other than that he could rot in hell for all I care. Focus on yourself and your child. You deserve to be happy don't give him the power to make you unhappy. The best revenge is getting on with your life and showing him you don't need him. And you don't. You seem like a strong woman who did the right thing for yourself and your child. Show your child a good example. Be happy. Good luck.

Answer 9

The situation you are in I know all too well. I too am a victim of verbal and physical abuse. I have been divorced for 3 years now and realized that i am still in the process of healing. Although, I am a very stong independent single mother of two, I still struggle with self esteem issues. The first few months were torture, but fortunately for me he moved out of state. I believe the distance helped me to realize that I did not desreve nor need to tollerate the emotionally hurtfull words that came out of his mouth. I realized the only reason he said those things was simply to build himself up. I surrounded myself with friends and family and over and over they would tell me I mattered, I was important, I was beautiful, I was smart and a great mother. I began to submerge myself into things that brought me joy. I am a runner and find tranquility in this. I realized that when I was with this man, I gave up everything I thought was important and went along with losing my identity. This is something you need to reclaim not only for yourself, but for the benefit of your child. Children need stability and love. What you have with this man is not love, this I can assure you. I believe there is someone out there for everyone and when the time is right and you know who you are again that person will come into your life. Don't get lost in the words, just believe you are worthy because you are! There is a quote I read daily, I am not sure who wrote it but it here it is, "What you believe is directly connected to what you receive." Start believing in yourself and do right by your child, life is way too short to be wasted on someone who can't see you for the beauty and love you possess. I know you are scared, but you will be just fine, wake up every morining and say something nice to yourself and believe it.

Answer 10

Been there, done that. Honey, he is the piece of crap and just to make himself feel better, he wants to pull you down to his level. Hold your head up and see him for what he is and that what he has to say doesn't mean anything. You've made the big move of 1800 miles. Get on with your life and forget you ever knew him. He's not even your child's father, so tell him to stuff it.