I have been in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend for 9 yrs. now, we have been living together for the past 4 yrs. We are both 38 yrs. old and have 5 children between the two of us. Him 2 and me 3. We used to talk about marriage until recently he told me that it was not a priority of his and wasn't on his top "10" list of things to do. He has never been married, I have been. He is happy and content with just playing house. If he doesn't want to commit and marry me then what makes him think he has the right to tell me that I "belong" to him? I tell him that I don't see a ring on my finger and I don't carry his last name, I belong to no one. Why do men think they have the right to lay claims on you without marital commitment? Yes, being married to him is important to me. I feel like nothing that I say or what I want is important, he only cares about what he wants. Honestly I am tired of feeling like I am nothing more than his "bed buddy".
2007-05-20 07:18:00 · 23 answers · asked by monkey on my back 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
For Lilly, he did not get his ex-girlfriend pregnant and leave her. She abandoned her children and he has been raising them for the past 15 yrs. He is not abusive nor possesive to the extent he would lock me in a basement. He just thinks he has the right to claim I'm his without commiting to me. Does it piss me off? Yes it does!!! I also need to mention that his parents are very involved in his life and they do not like me, his mother helped him with his children until I came along and she feels like I have taken her place and have no right to help raise them.
2007-05-20 07:38:24 · update #1
You want to MARRY a guy that claims that you BELONG to him?????? I can't even count the ways that this raises red flags. Good luck....you are going to need it!
2007-05-20 07:27:49 · answer #1 · answered by Randy 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You obviously have very different expectations about commitment in a relationship. For some people, marriage is just a formality and simply living together and doing the things a married couple do without actually being married is enough. For others, marriage is an important symbol of your lifelong commitment to one another. The problem is that you two don't feel the same way about it. From what you say, it sounds like you may have more general concerns about whether or not he cares about your needs and desires. That's a problem. His saying that you "belong" to him is also a problem; a lot of married women wouldn't stand for their husbands saying that. After 4 years of living together and 9 years of dating, your boyfriend may feel that getting married is unecessary because it won't really change anything about your day to day life. But since it's obviously important to you, you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about why you want to get married and what it means to you. If you still get the impression that he's unwilling to take what you want into consideration, you have to think seriously about whether this relationship is worth continuing.
2007-05-20 07:32:32 · answer #2 · answered by Demon 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Actually he's just so comfortable right where he's at, he doesn't feel the need to get married. I think he really does love you though. He also might secretly feel that if you get married it would ruin your relationship. It's very popular today to just live together. But getting married would be the right thing to do.
2007-05-20 07:25:55 · answer #3 · answered by tedsky634 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
The "you belong to him" thing is a bit scary even if you are married. Now if he is saying that you belong to each other, that is a bit more understandable.
Many guys feel like marriage changes a relationship, and it frequently does. So, he may be afraid of losing whatever it is that he likes about the relationship now.
What he needs to understand is that your relationship is about to change either because you are going to get married or because you are starting to resent him for not marrying you. Don't make it sound like a threat but you owe it to both him and yourself to tell him.
Unfortunately, this might scare him away. But open communication is the only way to forge a healthy relationship.
2007-05-20 07:40:36 · answer #4 · answered by Dr. Watson 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Girlfriend, first of all; you don't belong to anyone but yourself and God even if you're married or not and since you have been with him for the past 9 years; you deserve a ring on your finger and if he isn't going to give you a ring and make a commitment to you then he is just wasting your time. I been with mine for the past 6 months and we're already talking about marriage but we have known each other for the past 15 years and he has never been married and I have once. So, all I can say is you have to stand your ground and give him a altermatam and see what he say about that. Just say if he isn't going to marry you then you're going to leave and go and find someone who will commit to you rather than play house. You also deserve a ring since you took alot of his crap and a piece of paper isn't going to change a thing since you two have been playing husband and wife for the past 4 years.
If it is that important to you and it isn't to him then he's not serious about the relationship as you think he is. He want to his cake and eat it too which mean he want a woman at home but at the same time he want to be free. You do have to stand your ground since you deserve better than what he is giving you.
2007-05-20 07:28:58 · answer #5 · answered by deniseywalker 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
even if he puts a ring on your finger and saya " I DO" he still don't own you. and if he doesn't want ot marry you and then he's not worth your time, so just get rid of him. all he wants is someone that will put out to him when he wants some and hoesn't care how you really feel nor does care what you really want in life. DUMP HIM!!!!!
2007-05-20 07:33:14 · answer #6 · answered by chatiry 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why have you suddenly decided you want to marry this man when after 9 years together there has been no talk of getting married. Surely it is obvious he doesnt want marriage by now and if you accept his statement of ownership then you are truly lost. If you are not in his top 10 things then I would leave I'd rather be on my own.
2007-05-20 07:33:46 · answer #7 · answered by Magster 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's treating you like property that he owns and has the right to rid himself of at anytime. In my opinion he is just biding his time waiting for something he thinks might be better to come along. He's afraid to commit because he's afraid he'll miss it if he does. If he won't commit, then you need to do what's best for you and move-on. You only have one life, what do you want out of it?
2007-05-20 16:52:44 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
9 freaken years is too long. Unfortunately it's become "less of a priority" due to the fact you guys live together and already have kids. You already gave it all to him already. You are stuck in a hole. I''m so sorry. Now, it's up to you on whether you should continue or leave him.
good luck
2007-05-20 07:30:09 · answer #9 · answered by roxylee11782 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you are right. You are his bed buddy AND his live-in babysitter. He has all the benefits he ever needs. Why would he want to make a commitment and get married? You are young enough to get a job and move out. You should do that. If he loves you, he'll come ask you to marry him. If not, you are better off because you can find another guy who will love you and your kids and make you happy.
2007-05-20 09:18:39 · answer #10 · answered by Wiser1 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he's one of those guys who thinks, "Why buy the cow when the milk is free?" Some men seem to think that you are one of their possessions. I would set him straight and let him know that not only do you not belong to him without a ring, but you will find someone who you will belong to if that's his attitude. Some guys just want to have their cake and eat it too!
2007-05-20 07:23:41 · answer #11 · answered by karenhar 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋