Has anyone ever voluntarily given up a truly unteachable and unruly child?

Question

The child is 9 and has autism and mild CP and is oh so disruptive...LOUD screaming and animal noises all day except during sleeping hours, and is beginning to seriously hurt her siblings...scratched her 11 y.o. brother on the cheek about 4 inches long and it has left a scar, also kicked her 2 1/2 y.o. sister hard in her chest last week...
She has been to docs for 7 years now and has tried 6 diff. meds (none help, even antipsychotics) and attends special school all day year round...there appears to be nowhere else to turn and no answers left...no one knows what to do and as heartbreaking as it will be the family can't stand the chaotic disruptions anymore, it's so emotionally and physically draining...Has anyone went through this and literally given up and thought maybe the child would be better somewhere else? She will never even be potty trained and the family can't see themselves living with this 20 years from now, even as much as has been invested in her, moneywise and emotionally

Answer 1

It sounds like the child is extremely mentally disabled - the ultimate handicap.

I have an aunt who finally put her downs syndrome child in an institution after the evolution of psychosis and violent behavior along with the retardation. Psychotic behavior doesn't work in a family setting or in public.

Any normal healthy person would be pushed to the edge of sanity enduring the situation you've described year after year after year.

The subject child would unwittingly be causing constant havoc and heartbreak for the people that love her the most.

If I were in the position of managing this family I would make decisions based on the well-being of everyone involved including myself.

If the parents are crumbling under this huge strain then the family is ruined and the people in charge are likely responsible. There's obviously no glory in that.

There could, however, be some relief in making the difficult decision of letting the child go to a place better suited to protect her and care for her. People make this type of tough decision every day. There's flexibility in it too.



The costs are weighed and that's how it's done.

Answer 2

You posted an answer to a question I had asked and touched on a little with your situation.
Letting your child live in an institution (or whereever else) is not necessarily "giving up your child." You can still visit her, and she will always be your child. Just make sure she's in the best possible care; I'm a psych major and I've heard and read too many horror stories of "bad institutions." So get references from other parents at the place before you make the decision.
You will be criticized if you decide for her not to live with you anymore, but don't take anyone's judgements to heart until they have walked in your shoes. This is a horribly hard decision for you. If you feel that this will benift you and your entire family (including her) then go for it.
I am one woman who has NOT walked in your shoes that will not dare to judge you for whatever you choose.
**************************************
To comment on Arianna's msg: I am bipolar. 2 uncles and a gradfather were also bipolar. Bipolar is totally different from autism. Bipolar individuals can FUNCTION IN SOCIETY. They can go to school, work, have their own family, and not to mention simple tasks like being able to use the bathroom normally. Your child cannot do those things. It's NOT the same situation.

Answer 3

Raising a child with special needs like autism is a very difficult path and I give you credit in your caring and love for your child.

The safety of your family is important and safety to self and others should always come first.

Advice I would give you.

1. I think you are on the right track in getting help, but just medicating is not the answer with autism and you have seen this for your self.

2. Seek to get a determination of disability for your child. This will help her get on the map in the disability system and get benefits like.

a. Social security which will help your financial situation
b. Case management
c. Skills training or a behavioral specialist
d. Determination of a need for care like in a group home or care home

3. Seek legal advice on things like guardianship, life care planning,

4. Get emotional support. I think that we get natural support from friends, family, church, community. I would recommend also NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) that have advocacy and more importantly groups that allow you to be around others that have been through and are going through what you have and this can be the best support.

Best wishes.

Answer 4

Very sad. The doctors are really the only one's who can provide answers. However, it sounds like the family might want to get another doctor(s). Seven years of the same thing with no change?!? Also, the family should be in counselling. A caring group of people should get involved; do what is necessarry to help this family. Provide encouragement, raise money, get them to counselling, bring over dinner, rake their lawn....anything.
My prayers are with this family today.

Answer 5

Oh the poor poor family! They must be at the end of their tether! How sad for them ALL! I would expect that they need to get some emotional as well as physical assistance....are they???

I expect that for the child as well as the family there is no other course of action but to put the child into an institution that can cope with them! The family should not feel guilty as they have TRIED and maybe in some eyes, failed, but they gave it their best shot!

The tension it is building and resentment and exhaustion in the family will not give way or make the affected child feel secure. Maybe the child is 'picking' up on the tension and reacting without knowing how to communicate this to them.

If it were me who knew them I would support them strongly in giving the child up. Keeping a 'special' child is not for the faint hearted....I know...we had the option to abort our child at 20 weeks because of suspected genetic problems....we didn't......but we had to face that decision of could we cope......

We decided that we would until it became too much for us.......I think they are the BRAVEST of people to have taken it all on and tried! Give them my heartfelt sympathy at having to face this decision and tell them that no matter what they should be proud to have given this situation their best for so long!!!

They can always visit the child anyway....they don't have to totally cut themselves off from the child!!!!!!

Answer 6

Yes. Some people do make the decision to place a child in another living situation. No one understands what it is like to life in that situation unless they've done it.

Don't let the insensitive people who answer get you down. They have no idea what you're going through. You have a hard decision to make.

Discuss this with your child's pediatrician, your minister, and anyone else who can help you make this decision and find the right placement.

Answer 7

I am so sorry for that family. I have seen these children and the families. It is horrible. No matter what others say, it is okay to leave them institutionalized. There are many people who are effected and who need to live normal lives. It is not good for the other children. God bless you with peace and strength and don't let anyone guilt you until they have walked in your shoes!

Answer 8

I meant to pass this by because I've never had an autistic child but when I saw the DG's answer , I was so offended, I had to say something. There must be specialists, support groups, and school officials that can help you make a decision best for all concerned. It isn't fair to the older and younger child to be injured or killed because their sister "can't help it" and the turmoil must be affecting how they view life, so for their sake, I would search every avenue and find out what options are out there. It's got to be a wrenching thing to even think about and my sympathies are with you.

Answer 9

I am sorry but this has apparently gone on too long. Imagine subjecting the siblings to that. They will have mental scars as well as the physical ones. Please detach yourself and make the initial moves necessary to remove the 9 yr old from the home. Dont think or be sentimental or anything. Just do it before something very bad happens.
God Bless you.

Answer 10

i am so sorry for you and your family. It must be very hard to deal with. i have never had to deal with this issue, i would recommend finding a home that would care for your child appropriatly for that child's future. do not leave the child, they know you, even though you are not able to give them the attention they need. it's not your fault. but be there for the child.