everytime he tries to have sex wid me i get memories of the guy who raped me ( 2 yrs ago) . my husband has been patient for 8 months ( v got married 8 months ago). but now he is just hell bent upon having sex nd cant control anymore. how can i convince him that i dont wanna have sex atleast for some more time nd dat im uncomfortable havin sex
2007-05-20 00:10:47 · 48 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Your husband isn't a rapist, he's want it because he loves and cares about you. You need to understand that (8 months - he has a hell of a lot of patience!)
Have you tried counselling to try and get over it?
2007-05-20 00:13:49 · answer #1 · answered by Mighty C 5 · 3⤊ 0⤋
When would be the right time -- how much time do you need? Have you been to counseling to help you get over the mixed feelings you have equating sex with a loving husband and being raped? Whether the rapist was an acquiantance (known sometimes as date rapist) or a total stranger, you have to understand your memories of the attack were an act of violence -- not an act of love. Beyond therapy, simply talk to your husband, to let him know what you are feeling right now and why. Give him a BJ to calm him down. Tell him he needs to be gentle, loving, kind, and most of all understanding. Work your way up slowly, if you have to, but if you keep refusing his advances totally with no shared comfort between the two of you, then you may look at getting your marriage annulled (or even getting a divorce). Not the best solution, but better than continuing in an unloving relationship. Best of luck to you!
2007-05-20 00:29:12 · answer #2 · answered by Andy K 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can understand your problem, but I hope that while you are turning him down, you are getting counseling so that he can see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It might actually help you, if you slowly allow yourself to have comfortable intimacy with him...so that your body and mind can know that you can have that closeness, and it won't end in pain and violence. I know what I'm talking about, from experience, and I know that you can get through this. Let him in on how you feel, and understand that this is very difficult for him too. Don't shut him out. Talk to him, and try to take your sexual activity nice and slow. When you find yourself becoming uncomfortable, you have got to remind yourself that he is the man you love and the man that you chose to marry. Don't let anything come between you.
2007-05-20 00:27:50 · answer #3 · answered by Kerry 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you seek professional help? He's really such a gentleman to wait that long but he's also a man with needs. When you decided to get married did he tell you he was willing to wait or did you say that having sex was going to be fine by you? According to your answer you will know how to deal with the situation but remember that even if he is patient that doesn't mean you can postpone having sex as much as you and you alone want.
I am sorry for the experience you went through and remember your husband is a person who loves you and married you unlike the other person who has issues. Your husband deserves your love. You should be understanding to his needs as much as he is understanding to yours.
2007-05-20 00:18:24 · answer #4 · answered by she 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I've been in similar situation, but I realized that sex out of love is something totally different. Belive it or not, but unless you allow him to have sex with you, you will never know the real feeling of sex. Besides, he was so patient and I guess that if you wont help him out, he wont take it anymore, and you might destroy your marriage for no reason. What happened has happened "period". It is about time to go on with your life and forget your sorrows and bad memories. Help him so that he can help you get over what you suffer from.
2007-05-27 23:29:07 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
first thank your husband for being the most tolerant male on earth and don't lose him because of what some freak did to you. get a thorough gynae exam to rule out injury that may cause u pain during intercourse. next find a good trauma counselor and get the rape processed so that u learn how to live ok despite the horrible things that happened. then when u are ready get the counselor to recommend a good sex therapist. they will teach u techniques such as sensate focusing that allow u and your husband to explore each other without penetrative sex until u are ready.
2007-05-27 00:04:29 · answer #6 · answered by kiki68 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am so sorry you were hurt like that. You were a victim and you never deserved what happened to you. Keep communication open between the two of you. Ask him to hold you, learn to trust him. Relax and feel safe with him. Look in his eyes when he talks to you. Remind yourself that this is someone who doesn't want to hurt you. In time you will realize the difference between the love you have for your husband and the violence that was committed on you. It's hard, baby ... but you will get over the fear once you learn to trust again. It wouldn't hurt at all for the two of you to get some outside help, and if he doesn't want to, you need to talk to someone. Don't let that person who hurt you so badly have that much control in your life. You want it to get better, you took the first step by asking for help. You're on your way!
2007-05-27 12:22:44 · answer #7 · answered by catherine 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, just tell him how you feel and now except the fact that he will go somewhere else. If you knew you were thisemotionally wounded, why did you get married? You have to get pass this. While you andyour emotions are ruining your marriage, the person that raped you is still moving on with their life, whether they are locked up or running free. You have given this person total control over your life. Good luck.
2007-05-25 17:01:57 · answer #8 · answered by Go GO Ressa 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hunneh i know exactly what yoor goin thru here. Mine wasnt as traumatic as rape but i was forced into sexual activities at the age of 18. Then me n ma bf got together a few months after and i cudnt bring maself to do anythin with him brought back memories he listened when i told him what happened and seemed to understand. Then a few nights after was really pushing me, making advances left right and centre making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Again we spoke and i told him that i wasnt ready and if he didnt understand this then maybe he wasnt the person i thought. We stayed up all night talking about ma feeling and things that i didnt want to do n things that were stopping me. By the end of the night i felt great we had chatted for hours and he really understood. Couple of weeks later i made the first move and we only kissed and cuddled but it was a huge step. Maybe yooh need to have a good chat about your feelings hunneh trust me it helps x
2007-05-20 00:16:32 · answer #9 · answered by Claireluvsyaxx 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Honey you need help. You and your husband need to get counseling. He needs to learn how to let you come to him first. The person who raped you was not after sex. It was a physical and mental assault. You have the mental now the physical is over. Your husband loves you and you love him. The two off you need to battle this head on, the only way to do this is with the help you need to battle the mental scars. 8 months is not that long. He needs to wait for you.
Best of luck. I will keep you in my prayers.
2007-05-26 13:51:19 · answer #10 · answered by flateach33 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Did you receive counseling for this incident. Your husband is probably trying to reconnect with you since this has happened has probably taken a toll on your marriage. Try talking to him and working out this situation somehow that both you will be happy. Take one step at a time. You should do this for yourself as well as the marriage. Your husband is your best medicine in making you see things better.
2007-05-25 04:29:39 · answer #11 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋