My boyfriend is seeking counseling after becoming violent with me. This was the first time. Is there hope?

Question

We have been together for one and a half years..this is the first time he has ever become violent with me. We had both been drinking a considerable amount. He is completely appalled by his behavior and has been seeking therapy. He has told his family what happened and why we broke up. I still love him...and know he needs help for his anger. I am completely hurt and angry and I am not sure I could trust him enough to be with him again. I am wondering if there is any hope for him to never do this again...and for us to be healthy and happy again? I had an abortion 2 months prior to this...This was something he did not want me to do and after it was done I realized it was not what I wanted either. Since this experience we have had a lot of issues with depression and sadness. Part of me feels that this is what triggered his violence towards me.

Answer 1

He needs to control his anger as well as his drinking. BOTH were factors in his violence.

Answer 2

Firstly sorry for your loss,having an abortion is a very tough depressing,and painful experience a women goes through that a man will never understand.Hope you are beginning the healing process.Oh yea alcohol and violence go hand and hand.The fact that this was the 1st incident of violence and as you put it a considerable amount of alcohol was involved it appears there is hope.My experience as a counselor for substance abusers and domestic violence is that cases involving domestic violence the abuser rarely seeks help right away,nor are they willing to tell others what happened.I can appreciate the fact that the abortion may have been a contributing factor that should not be accepted as an excuse to strike you.Further you should never I repeat Never Ever blame yourself.At this point in time I strongly suggest you to get involved with a counselor that can serve as a guide and support for you.Remember this Love means no hitting under any circumstances.You also need support around the abortion to ensure you don"t beat yourself up about it .chances it was done out of fear.

Answer 3

you know what hunny I feel your pain. And thats what it is its just plain pain. You need to mourn over your aborted child and cry cry cry it helps a little to get it out. I will say tell you though that the death of a child even aborted can either make or break a relationship. I know its hard to leave him because you were pregnant with his child weather you wanted it or not it still hurts.But if he has gotten violent you have to try very hard to turn around and leave. And my dear pregnancies can and do tend to bring out violence because it is a stressful situation even when the pregnancy ends. So ask yourself this... If he got violent after an abortion how will he be if this happens again and you have the baby??? Just consider the fact that things could get worse. So if you expect the worst and the best happens then you havent lost much. But you seem like a girl who is very intelligent and you are probably very attractive and could find someone else no problem like tomorrow if you wanted to. So to me you seem like you have a pretty good idea of what is going on here and what needs to be done in your best interest.

Answer 4

Wow... read it all and I really don't know what to tell you. Your sister R is obviously in need of help but the situation seems extremely tricky. If she could move in with you or your sister B, that would be the best solution I see. But how do you manage this legally when the parents refuse, I have no idea... Maybe invite R over to your place for an extended stay during holidays (like all three summer months) and then you could ask your mom if it would be ok for her to stay at your place because they've got this program she's interested in at the school or whatever. It might go down better if you don't make it a permanent solution. If all this fails, social services might be able to help, for example by appointing a counsellor your sister will have to be sent to or a social worker who can act as a mediator within the family. I know that exists where I come from, but dont know about your place.

Answer 5

I speak from experience about abusive relationships. I am willing to bet this if I was to ask you questions like has he ever pushed you? Has he ever thrown something in your direction? Has he ever called you a B----, Whore, and so on? Some where he has exhibited some sign of abuse. The reason I say this is no one ever feels they can get away with hitting someone. They test the ground first to see what will be tolerated. It would be easy to blame it on the alcohol, the abortion , or depression. I would say he needs counseling, and so do you. You need to figure out why you would be willing to participate in that type of relationship.
I am not saying it is hopeless, but I would never trust the person again.
Most importantly do not take the blame. His actions are his not yours, he owns them. There is no room for excuses.

Answer 6

Well, I always think there is hope, even when all seems dark.

You ma need to give him some space, but let him know that you're there for him. I had to go to counseling for anger issues (different reason), and the one thing that I was always glad for was my friends and family who were there for me. And about the abortion, there's not much you can do. What's done is done and there's no changing the past. Learn from your mistakes and become a stronger person. I hope things turn out for the best!

Answer 7

If you're both interested in healing the relationship it sounds like you could benefit from couples' counseling. You probably need therapy for the abortion too, especially if you're feeling bad about it. And yes, that may have been what triggered his outburst. Alcohol does tend to bring up feelings that we try to burry. Yes, there is hope--but first there has to be healing. The fact that he is disturbed by his behavior and is being honest with his family is a good sign. I wish you the best.

Answer 8

If he realized that he made that mistake of becoming violent, then there should be hope, he noticed it and went for it himself, not waiting for an intervention. Just tell him that your there for him and as soon as he feels he is ready to finish counseling or that the counselor states that its all good now, maybe give him a month to just get back on track with life, and maybe you two could talk it out and possibly get back together, nothing too quick and sudden, let time lead the both of you.... its only for the best....

Answer 9

There is absolutely hope. The most important thing is that he realizes that he needs help and is seeking it. Just the fact that he is doing that says alot about his personality, he is willing to admit he was wrong. Think about the men that never seek help. Sounds like he is a good guy that just needs to work out some anger issues.

Answer 10

Sounds like you both need some time apart to focus on fixing yourselves. get therapy, get on some anti-depressants, lay off the booze. Get on birth control and if you get back together, don't get pregnant again until you are both emotionally stable and have been together for at least a couple of years with NO violence. Personally, once is too many times. Do some research and don't let him back in your life until there is serious change.

Answer 11

I fear that some of the people on here that are giving you advice do not know about abusive relationships. Some of the women who answered have been there and their answers are straight on. Listen to those.
Men who are abusive don't change. Sorry it is a fact that only five percent change and that is only after years of therapy and if they truly want to. Don't go back. It will only get worse.
How can you prove he is going to therapy. Most go once or twice and then quit going because they feel it isn't neccessary. Drinking is an excuse. The abuse is due to him wanting to control you.