Just found out spouse is cheating. Now what?!?

Question

I had a suspicision for a long while now, but have been living in denial. I confronted him many a time and was actually met with tears and shock that I would say that. I think that he thought I had hired a PI, or was about to. We had been working on or marriage.... or so I thought, when he started to revert to his old self from a few months ago. Needless to say, I was worried and the old nagging gut started to rear it's head again.

Long story short, he admitted to it today and didn't seem very remorseful. I can't have him here and have already decided to put him out as soon as he returns with our 2 kids.

My prob - I've been homemaker for the past 2+ years and off and on for the past 9 years so I have no real work experience. When we were having problems I started to look for a job and have been intermitently since.... with no luck as of yet. Where do I turn? I have little money of my own and no way to support my 2 kids. I'm terrified that I won't be able to keep my kids! HELP!

First, I want to thank everyone that has responded so far. I really appreciate the advice and support right now.

Second, I'm adding that I have a little over 2 years of college under my belt. I left because I was young, impulsive, and quite stupid in retrospect. I've begun to look into what the city departments can offer (my tax dollars at work). Unfortunately, nothing is open on the weekend and I have to play the hurry up and wait game.

I've got the want ads to look at in a few hours and I've canceled all appts for Monday and plan to roll up the ol' sleeves and hit the pavement if anything looks good.

Third, I'm terrified and appreciate the reminders to breath. I loath him for what he has done to not just me but to our kids. Yet, oddly, I don't want to see him ruined. I'm not going to let him off by any means. I now dread the morning when I have to pick up the pieces and explain that daddy isn't coming home and that we must be brave, work hard, and move on.

Answer 1

If you are convinced your marriage is quite likely over, call several lawyers, now. Ideally get referrals from people you know. Talk to the lawyers, see which ones you like.

As a guy who has seen guys get creamed, I'd half like to urge you not to get a lawyer who will attempt to clean your husband out, but in any case, you should get one that gets you a fair deal.

Custody of the children should be based on who can raise and care for them. It would be very rare for that to be solely your husband, more likely it will be either you shared custody. As a higher income earner, he will be obliged to pay child support to you even if you share custody equally.

Try not to spend your energy and emotion worrying. You will make it through this, you will be with your children, you will find a way to live comfortably enough with them, and things will get better. In the meantime, stay close to them, keep talking to friends, family for support.

And your lawyer. My gut is that they will NOT want you to run out and get a job immediately. Your support schedule will likely be based on how things are right now, and right now your husband is the provider. Now I think you should look at getting work after things settle down, and adjusting the payment schedule then, but by getting the payments set first, you can try to find a decent job that makes sense, and then adjust. If you grab _any_ job, you'll be forced to keep working that, basically.

Don't panic, move carefully, and while consulting your lawyer.

Answer 2

You are about to embark upon a new life for yourself. Take a deep breath and get through the rough parts and keep in mind that you'll be happier on the other side. Now is the time to not only take action as far as finding a job but the time to think about what you've learned. You were suspicious for a long time. Have you learned to trust your gut yet? We're given instincts for a reason. Remember to listen to yourself more often and your path will open up before you. You have just learned an amazing lesson that some never have the chance to learn. Don't let it be a wasted lesson. Know that everything will work out. Many women(and men) have already gone down this path before you. Get a lawyer, work out the child support issues and restructure your life to live it to the fullest each day. Keep your children safe, happy and protected through all of this. They need you now, be there for them. Start dreaming about your new, perfect life. Soon you'll not be dreaming, you'll be walking in it. Good luck, hang in there :)

Answer 3

See first don't put him out right now go continue to look for work anything and save as much of your money as you can when you feel you have enough tell him it's time that the both of you separate or go back to school and take a course in something that you want to do so that when you go looking for a job again you will have experience in that next go to the GYN doctor and get a FULL CHECK UP because you don't know if he used protection or not don't sleep with him anymore and if you feel the urge please use a condom but if you know you can't financially support yourself and the kids if he leaves now keep him around until your money is right it may hurt you and make you sick but you need the help just until your able to do it by yourself

Answer 4

First of all be happy it has all come to a head. A man does not cheat unless their is something wrong with the marriage. First of all keep your head and don't go on a yelling throwing a fit rampage. Don't be all bent out of shape if you live in the USA and have been married 9 or more years you are golden (can collect his pension and all the good stuff) Divide everything right down the middle (all the assets you built during the marriage, you staying at home allowed him to work worry free) Second of all TELL him he gets the kids, you won't pay child support but want visitation. (This will put a damper on his playboy ways! He wants nothing better but to dumb you and the kids and start over with a new honey carefree.. no luck big boy!) Bet he will begs you to stay (happened to me) If not consider yourself lucky, start your new life free of the old fart.

Answer 5

Why don't you try and go to school for something, can you work the computer, do office work. Get yourself prepared and then kick him out, once a cheater always a cheater. Where there's a will there's a way, but get yourself situated first, be ready to support yourself before you kick him out, just play along until your ready, you don't have to be honest, he isn't. I just hope he doesn't bring you home an STD. Even if you have to be a good actress, for your kids sake, get prepared first. And for Gods sake don't have any more kids or you'll never get out. Is there any family member that can help you out if they see that your trying to make it on your own? I wish you luck with everything, sometimes people suprise themselves with what they can do when they put their mind to it, I know it's scary, but think about the girls before you that didn't think they couldn't do it and did !!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

Assuming you're going for a divorce...Go right away to get a motion filed through the court to set up temporary support and custody for the kids. This will force him to pay support so you can maintain the house and kids while looking for a job. Whatever you do, don't rely on the support alone. You can find a job that pays enough to support you and your kids, just need to look in the right places. Good luck!

Answer 7

First thing. Do not kick him ot as of yet and this is why, You need to find a job that you can pay your bills with. You have experience as a housekeeper so you need to go to all of the major hotels in you area and apply. Also try hospitals and nursing homes. When you have secured decent pay kick his *** to the curb. Do not procrastinate because at this point You probably don't even want to look at him. Get moving with this as soon as possible and put his *** on child support!!!

Answer 8

I left my husband 17 years ago with three kids, a microwave and the clothes on our backs and a car in my name. I drove till I( ran out of gas in memphis tn (from NJ) I had 200. cash. I bought a newpaper found a house for rent and explained everything to the landlord. He allowed me to move in for 100. I applied for food stamps the next day so my kids would have food. Found a job as a waitress (never broke in this job) and my 9y/o daughter was in charge of the two younger ones while i was at work ages 6 and 3. Not good but until i could afford a sitter it had to do. We made it without the abusive cheating husband of mine. You can do anything you set your mind too, remember once a cheater always a cheater. Throw his *** out and file for child support and alimony.

Answer 9

Kick him to the curb, get your life in order and raise your children yourself. Go on temporary government assistance... there is no shame in it if you honest and truly need the help (and right now you do). While you are looking for a job the assistance will cover your expenses, mayeb you could even go back to school and better yourself for the long run. If you would prefer to, and have the support system available, see if a relative would let you stay with them until you get things in order. Just don't assume he will go down without a fight. Assuming that he is the children's father he does still have rights to them and he is likely to try and fight for them.
Good luck, I hope you get the help you are in need of.

Answer 10

He will have to pay you child support for the kids and in some states they have what is called Spousal Maintenance, which is basically alimony. So, as soon as you separate, I would contact a attorney, in my state, which is Indiana, usually the husband has to pay for the divorce. The judge will order him to start paying. You can also apply for assistance with the state to help you out. In Indiana, they have assistance programs that help with child care, housing, food, etc.

Good Luck and take him for all you can get.