how do dad's balance their time between their child from their 1st marriage and their current wife?

Question

i have my 8 yr old son 50% of the time.When he comes over he wants my attention 100%.This makes it hard with my current wife as i have to work long hours when i don't have my son over so we have little time together.my son get upset when i spend time with my wife when hes over.He says things like "its my special time with u dad"or "do something with her when im not here" now i do spend most of my time with my son but my wife wants some attention too.i divorced when he was 1 yr old so he has no memory of having me fulltime and my wife has been in his life since he was 3 yrs old.It seems hes getting more demanding of my time as he gets older what can i do?

Answer 1

If you have him 50% of the time, you might be able to set aside one of your nights or a few hours for just the two of you to go see a movie, dinner, go to the park, etc. He has to understand that you and your wife are a unit, that you parent him together and, just as your wife has to share this time with him, he must with her. She's not just a girlfriend, she's your wife and his stepmom. I would suggest also having them spend some quality alone time together (if they get along well enough) so that the time that you all share together as a family is more fun for him, too. Whatever you do, don't forget that you call the shots, not your son. Good luck!!

Answer 2

We have his son Tues, Wed, Thurs and some Fridays. And any other time in between. This summer, most likely, he may visit his mom on weekends. Dad works 12 hour shifts 3 and 4 days a week, alternating. When my stepson is here I entertain myself. They go to his baseball practice, games, the batting cages, play PS2, and watch the Yankees. I love this man, largely because of his devotion to his children. Oh, yeah, 2 girls also, one of which is a constant paticipant in our lives. But we won't go there right now. Anyway, I entertain myself. Stepson goes to bed around 9, 9:30, (he's 13) and that is the time I get to be with his Dad. Providing the man is not badly in need of Space. In which case, I go to bed. As far as the whining goes. That is unacceptable behavior. Each day, let the boy know what is going to happen. "Hey, Junior, today we're gonna watch the game and go hit a few after. Me and you are gonna go get a pizza for dinner, and then you are going to shower, work on your homework, and go to bed. Bedtime is 8:30, ok?" "Son, we've got to get the lawn mowed and the car washed today. You want to wash the car while I mow? We'll clean up after and go get some burgers. Bedtime is 8:30, remember?" So, no need to whine. If he questions your judgement tell him you're the Dad and this is the decision you have made. He is undermining your authority and your decision making process. He has the mind of a child. Treat him as such. Might I suggest? Find that extra money to get out of Dodge. Schedule a night away on a fairly regular basis and give your relationship your full attention. This works wonders when theres a constant time crunch. It just says, Yeah, there will be time for us, and it's next weekend. Major stress reliever. I'd say it runs us about $100.00 every six weeks or so.

Answer 3

Try to incorporate activities that include both of them. It doesn't just have to be one or the other. He may be experiencing jealousy of your wife even though she's been around for awhile. And he's old enough to be affected by the situation - kids who have a parent who's broken up the family to be with someone else will often be resentful of the person they perceive as responsible. Although kids do 'adapt' - if you can call it that - they are often better off in a more stable environment and just visiting the parent who left on an every other weekend basis. Kids need stability (actually they need two parents who care enough to make the relationship work instead of bailing - excuses are just that; excuses). Many say that the child will suffer more if he is stuck with parents who do not get along. Learn to get along. Love is a decision, communication and common courtesy can be learned.
But, I digress. What's done is done. One thing you may want to do is look into a counselor who specializes in stepfamilies. He or she may be able to help you to work together to adapt. Your son not only wants your attention - he needs it. Your 2nd wife needs to be understanding of this - she does have you when your son isn't around and she knew what she was getting into when the two of you started your relationship. Your son had no choice in the matter.

Answer 4

Your the parent set the rules it's your's and your wife's house and he's the child. Your going to have to explain to him that you work alot and that you need to spend time with his step-mother as well as him so sometimes when the child's there he's going to have to learn the rules and learn to understand them. Your the parent don't be afraid to be firm with him.He might look up to you and respect you for this. The child needs to learn and your the teacher. Just think if he was living with you he would have to share anyway. Don't let him make you feel guilty because when he goes there he expects all your time set him straight.Besides what does he do with the other 50% of the time spent without you, he probably spends it with his friends and some with his mother.P.S. Maybe you could find something all three of you's could do together more often as a family. Your 2nd wife is his second mother. Best of Luck!!

Answer 5

Eight year old's are in a period of learning about relationships and often insecure.
Once he has other friends to play with when he visits you, he will not want the attention he seeks now. That said, I seem to be missing something here, don't you , your wife, and son do things together as a family?
You may need to consider teaching your son, that adults need their own time together with other adults, and that his needs for the 'special time with dad' is limited. If you were female I would say you need to cut the umbilical cord.
He may be a little upset at you for awhile, but you appear to be a great dad, he will have learned a important lesson, even when you love someone, they need their own time.

Answer 6

You're child's time with you is limited in more ways than one- he will grow up soon and be more interested in hanging out with his friends than having your attention 100% of the time. Also, your divided attention probably only makes him more clingy- the more you try to pull away the more he'll want your attention. Try wearing him out with TOO MUCH attention for an hour or so if you REALLY need a break- bore him to death with a father/ son bible reading or something! Kidding, you really need to give him solid quality time with dad when you see him, or he will grow up to resent you and your wife. Also, your wife, as the adult, should be understanding. She knew what she was getting into when she married you. If she has a problem with it, she should ask herself how she would feel if it were her son that only got to see his dad part time. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 7

There is no general answer to your question.

But to start off, you should tell yourself you are lucky that your son wants to spend time with you. Not every father is so lucky. The next point is: what is your moral compass? My not-so-popular view is that you brought a kid to this world and he carries your blood so he is more important. A boy needs his father;s influence more and more as he reaches 10 and beyond, particularly in his formidable years. You have a chance to mould him after you -- sports, building models, hiking. You want to look at him 10 years from now and have a good smile on your face because you see him in you.

I'd go as far as the scary thought of the opposite-- a young man going out to the world holding a grudge against his father.

Obviously, there is hell to pay from your current wife. At least don't make more kids for now. It is a test of your management skill. A very horrid question: is your son worth divorcing your 2nd wife for? Hold that thought as the bottomline.

Answer 8

Your son should be taught to share. If you give in to his selfishness and teach him selfishness, he will grow up to be a selfish man. When he is with you, it is fine to show him that he is special and do special things for him and with him but with your current wife included. This will show him that your new wife is special to you too. (What he is doing now is to manipulate you to pay 100% attention to him to the exclusion of your new wife. Don't give in to his conniving and manipulative ways.) By showing him this, it is telling him that he needs to respect your wife because she is special to you too. If he doesn't get this in his head, he will think your universe revolves around him and him alone. He is now 8, and in about 6 yrs, he will want you to leave him alone and he will want to be with his friends. Then you will be the one feeling abandoned after giving him so much. Then in about 4-5 yrs, he will have his own girlfriend and he might not even have time for you. Don't let an 8 yr old twist you round his little finger.

Answer 9

kids naturally seek attention divorced or not but your child should be your first priority just explain this to your wife try having a time where both you,your wife and your son get to do something together he just wants his dad trust me this is coming from a person who's dad didn't ever spend time with his kid . but what you can do is have your son involved in some sport or activity that will allow him to have fun and not need to have your attention constantly .good luck!!!

Answer 10

Your son comes FIRST always no matter if your single or married you have to do things with both of them together as a family or if she doesn't want to go you take your CHILD out and spend time with him she should see he is a KID and at a age where dad is what he wants when he is with you your a package deal and she knew this when she and you hooked up