Comments on my poem(s)??

Question

Soldier's Legacy

A metal of valor, sparkling gold,
A soldiers helmet, blood stained and old.
A picture of my father, the day before he died,
My own swollen heart, full of depression and pride.
He fought on the front line, day after day,
while I'd neal at his picture, cry and pray.
He fought for freedom, for his daughter and wife,
and for his country, as well as his life.
What do you call it, when a soldier has to fight,
fight for his family, freedom and right?
They say that a man will always return after the war
but only a box of poems comes knocking at your door. Letters he wrote, and letters he kept,
stained and wrinkled from tears that he wept.
His certificate returns in the hands of a man,
dirty, injured, and sun bitten tan.
He seems to have a lot of certificates in that car,
but this one gripped my heart and left a scar. (second stanza below)

Well, he came back the other day,
in a box, his ashes grey.
The box meant for shoes, combat boots,
which made my soul grow mute.
They were size 12, black and wide,
but on his feet, the day he died.
The same ones we sent him his first week by post,
this next little detail, hurt the most.
Nestled in his ashes, there lay a locket,
This unknown soldier slipped it in my pocket.
In it was a lock of hair,
Curly brown, placed with care.
Silver, shining, engraved with my name, It comforts me, so much more then I can proclaim.

Drowning
There doesn't have to be water to know that you're drowning,
The same way you don't need a mirror to know you're frowning.
Whether you're in a puddle, bath tub or lake,
or in the ice-cream ocean in your favorite vanilla shake.
Or drowning in the memories of things you've never done,
milestones unachieved, prizes never won.
The thickness of the air, the purity of lies.
The souls who drowned too fast, the way you sympathize.
So go tempt fate, but don't swim low,
because if you outlive the shark, you get the undertow.

Lacking Love

I never thought I'd have to push and shove,
just for a bit of my father's love.
He never called me 'Daddy's little girl",
Never spun me in a childish twirl.
He never read me a tale from my favorite story book,
Never helped me make a clubhouse in a small corner nook.
He never danced with me in the rain,
Never kissed away the pain.
He never took me to the rink to skate,
But now its too late.
(Second stanza below!)

He never crossed the street, and held my hand tight,
never chased away the monsters in the middle of the night.
He never looked at me in awe with pride,
never came to comfort me when I cried.
So how come I feel his arms around me,
after he's died?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Life's Like That

Cold and grey,
your hair blown astray.
Flustered lost,a windswept sunhat.
It may be confusing, but life's like that.

Nervous with jitters,
heart's butterflies flitter.
perhaps your shy, oh what a drat.
Left in the shadows, life's like that.

Crazy with worry, feeling insane,
riding around, on a destinationless train.
Not sure of where you're going,or even where you're at,
spun like a spinner, life's like that.

Not feeling well, full of regret.
your feelings are obvious, by your brow full of sweat,
full of remorse, you feel small as a gnat.
It's merely human nature, because life's like that.

(last stanza below)

Now you're happy and elated,
aren't you glad that you waited?
A tire lacking air, my poem's gone flat.
So here's the happy ending,
because life's sometimes like that.

Hey guys! I'm 13 years old, so this poetry is sort of juvenile. I apologize!

Remember, there are 4 poems here! Soldier's Legacy, Lacking Love, Life's Like That, and Drowning...

Answer 1

NICE!

Answer 2

I feel that the rhymes damage your poetry. Sometimes rhymes are good (think Shakespeare for example or Silverstein) but sometimes they're childish when you overuse them, and use them heavily. Poetry is meant to be spoken out loud so if it sounds choppy and runny with a repetitive drum beat in too many places when you read it, it's probably not that good. It should flow.

They're well written narratives, don't get me wrong. But not very poetic.

Answer 3

You have a talent don't let that go.... your poem touched me deeply you left so much detail I felt as if I could see every moment in my head... I feel your pain more than you know and I'm thankful that someone else out there feels the same as I do. Just remember there is someone out there who has it worse than you and someone who has it better. Keep your head up and hold yourself with pride. Your a strong person Don't let that die.

Answer 4

Excellent strathhavengirl!

I especially liked the first poem, about your Father.

However, in the sixth line:
"while I'd neal at his picture, cry and pray."
"neal" should be KNEEL.

You have lots of talent. Thank you for sharing your poetry.

Doc Hudson

Answer 5

I love the imagery and empathy. I would only change one thing. In the first line, I would use the word medal instead of metal, think about it. You write well, congrats!

Answer 6

i'm commenting on your poem lacking love. i sort of understand where your coming from, my parents are divorced. i only see my dad two ta three days out of the year and i'm thirteen. so i understand that you can feel abandoned by that, but my dad is'nt gone ,so to speak, yet.
i have already comented on most of the poems you have.

Answer 7

Beautiful! Simply beautiful! Thank you! You lifted my spirits with that beautiful poem!

Answer 8

Good job... Keep it up.... I could visualize everything and feel the emotion... Thumbs up... OH YEAH SPELLING ERROR-NEAL-KNEEL...

Answer 9

i thought the first stanza was the best

Answer 10

You have a real talent for writing :)

Answer 11

IT'S AN AWESOME POEM!!! BUT SERIOUSLY I LIKED IT... I IMAGINED EVERYTHING AND IT MADE ME SAD TO THINK ON HEN SOMEONE PASSES AWAY...